Just back from holiday- how angry should I be?

[MarmiteMania]

Background- Dss 20 lives here full time but keeps himself to himself, does not acknowledge me in any way never has, never been able to give dh a reason for his behaviour.

We have been away for two weeks and he has been home. Before we left i made dh tell him no parties or sleepovers. only yesterday dh spoke to him and he promised that he'd been here alone.

Found out in a text from my cleaner that his girlfriend who we have never met has been living in our home, often being left on her own whilst he works. They lived like animals and if it wasn't for our cleaner coming in I can imagine how we would have found the place.

To say I'm livid is an understatement- but not as livid as i am with dh, who is trying to minimise the whole thing, saying I'm making a fuss out of nothing and all 'kids' are wrong sometimes.

Dh thinks it has nothing to do with me but I told him it's my home too with my possessions some of which are very personal. I have told him I want to be present when he speaks to ss as I have no doubt he otherwise wouldn't bother.

Am I over reacting??

By the way, see this

"Secondly, ss doesn't treat it as a home. He comes and goes without communicating to anyone other than dh, refuses to take down his dirty plates from his room, join us for a meal or even wish his step siblings a happy birthday. So it's more of just a room a d services for him."

That's also pretty standard 20 year old behaviour. And I can add won't put washing in the washbasket and won't change bedlinen to that list.

The holiday stuff would be normal young adult behaviour, and it would be something you'd take in your stride if it weren't for the APPALLING way he is allowed to treat you. On top of that, any little thing would be a final straw for me I think... If I hadn't already moved out years before!

No wonder you are sensitive about it being acknowledged as 'your home' if you are routinely treated as if you are invisible in it, and your DH condones that.

I'd be giving an ultimatum. Not only is this an unnacceptable and bloody bizarre way to live, what example do you think it's setting for your children? And your DH condoning it - what kind of a father to ANY of them does that make him?!

The gf staying over I'd leave, ds1 19 had people over when we were away last week, I haven't even asked who.

Leaving the place a tip for the cleaner to deal with is not on, totally ignoring you and everyone else in the house is something I wouldn't put up with and I'd hope my dp would have more respect for me then to let it happen. I think you need to talk to both of them

Oh gosh, this is a hard one Marmite.

Has SS been part of your life since a child or is the blended family a more recent thing?

What I'm getting at is where did the lack of communication on his part start? Is it a chicken and egg thing - that he was nearly an adult when the households merged so he feels that he's being treated unfairly and like a child so is unwilling to talk to you? Or has he been part of your family for years and difficult for just as long?

I can sort of see some of it from his side if it's the former (but that doesn't excuse the ignorance or the laziness). I can understand that he'd be resentful if as a young adult he suddenly had a host of rules imposed upon him that he feels aren't age-appropriate.

If you gave some ground and accepted that as he's an adult he can (within reason and as long as it isn't disruptive to family plans) have people over, for example, do you think that he might be a little more willing to give as well as take?

Are your children younger? I'm wondering if the practices of young adults are alien to you because you've not yet experienced them as a parent. It's ime quite common for late teens/early adults to be lazy sods (not ok, but it happens!), and to forget to/think it unnecessary to communicate their comings and goings as a younger DC might be expected to. I've read several times on here of MNers questioning biological parents when they say that they're annoyed that their DC don't tell them where they're going/when they'll be back/who they're with and telling them that the DC are adults and have no obligation to be answerable like that. I'm not sure I wholeheartedly agree with that but I can see the argument for it.

I'd expect to be spoken to. I'd expect a contribution to the household from a 20 yo. I'd expect them to clean up after themselves and would be telling them that they're paying the cleaner a bonus for her extra work and to compensate for their disrespect towards her. I'd very much expect my husband's backing too!

I wouldn't tell an adult member of the household that they couldn't have "sleepovers" or a girlfriend to stay while I was away. I'd expect resentment and childlike behaviour if I treated an adult like that.

This is one where you need to talk to your DH first and tell him how you feel and how it's upsetting you - and to compromise.

I totally get where you are coming from though, your ss shows you and the house no respect, he's not going to care if anyone he invites round acts the same

MrsWinibago I have acknowledged those posters if you read my second post, thanking for those comments and thinking that maybe I have over reacted.

I think if I actually had a relationship with him, even a cordial one, perhaps I wouldn't feel as I do. I still think out of courtesy he should have checked with his dad, but thanks for all comments which have helped prepare me for the conversation (in which I will obviously be ignored!)

Do you and your dh ask his permission to have friends over? And if he told you you couldn't have a friend over, would you listen?

Pointless question. The step son doesn't pay the bills so doesn't get to dictate to those that do what they do and who they have over.

I knew someone would say that

I'm coming at it from an angle of "I'm a grown up this is my home I can have a friend over"

The DH doesn't have a problem with the SS not paying bills (for the record, when he lived at home my DS paid his way - I think your DH is wrong OP)

I don't get why you have let him get away with treating you like this for so long.
I would have had a go at him and told him to be civil or leave.
It's because you let him do this that he carries on.
He's not a child - he's an adult who should be paying his way and respecting your home.

And I would be annoyed at a stranger living in my home while I was away.

When my kids are that age the rule will be that if they want someone to stay then they ask! It's basic manners IMO.

Wheresthelight yes I probably am projecting. ss ignoring me is such a massive issue that I didn't mean to include it in my post- but your answers have helped me understand that if it wasn't for his vile behaviour to me, the girlfriend staying wouldn't be the end of the world.

I don't have a problem with him not paying rent- I don't think I could ask my own child for rent although I certainly understand those who do.

He obviously has some built up resentment, have been with dh for 8 years (not ow), whatever gripes he has he has never discussed with dh, despite dh really trying. He has been resentful of me since the day he met me. To be honest I'm past caring and just want him out.

Hooby I love the idea of him paying the cleaner a bonus! But dh wouldn't dream of it.

Kaluki the fact that dh has refused to ask ss to be civil or leave has sent me to the brink of separation. Dh has now got ss to think that renting a flat is his own idea and is encouraging him but doesn't want as to feel he's being made to go. Yes, dh is spineless with his kids. Believe it or not though, he is perfect in every other way- kind, loving and generous. If ss wouldn't be going it would be a deal breaker though. It will always be there yes, but I won't have to live with it.

Anyone who ignores you in your own home should be told to fuck off. You wouldn't tolerate that kind of emotional bullying from a partner so don't take it from any other adult (which, at 20, he is).

It isn't at all kind to sit back and allow his wife to be made to feel ostracised, bullied, dismissed in her own home.

It isn't at all loving.

It isn't at all generous.

So your DH is kind, loving and generous if it's easy for him, but once that is tested, he kicks your feelings into touch quicker than shit off his shoe?

Nice!

That's leaving ASIDE the fact that pulling his son up on this is the RIGHT thing to do - it's not like it would be indulging you at the expense of him. If your DH was AT ALL a good father, he would not allow your stepson to revel in being this kind of nasty, hateful person (at 20 mind you - this isn't a surly 15 year old we're talking about).

You chose very poorly with your 'kind, loving, generous' man from where I'm sitting, OP. I hope this is a straw/camel's back moment for you, I really do.

I really think you should seek some professional advice on how to deal with your dh and his refusal to deal with his son.

my dp has a similar reluctance to deal with his older kids treating me in this vein but they are 11 and 8.5. unfortunately for them I refuse to let it slide and they get told firmly that it is not acceptable although thisnoften leads to rows with dp

I refuse to accept being treated like shit in my home. and I regularly point out that it is not my fault that their parents aren't together.

would his mother accept him treating her partner in this way ot is that why he lives with you rather than her?

OP that behaviour sucks and for your dh to tolerate it from an adult is beyond shitty. Hopefully your family's life will regain balance without this toxic situation hanging over you daily.

As for the holiday thing, he freeloads off you, taking you and the home for granted, so yes he should have asked. It's called respect/consideration. At the very least he should be paying the cleaning bill for the two weeks...

I think it's fairly certain that the OPs DSS is a very confused young man.

On the one hand, he has all the privileges of adulthood; equal, adult status in his Dads home and independence regarding his behaviour and attitude towards others (the OP and the cleaner, to name two).

on the other hand, he is being given the allowances given to a child; natural consequences for abusing those privileges don't apply because he holds a "get out of jail free" card on account of his child status.

One, or both, of his parents have failed in their responsibility to teach him the skills required to function in society as an adult - at 20, I think it's too late to undo that damage. It is likely that this young man will remain stunted socially and emotionally for life - something the OP might need to consider when looking to her future.

I disagree with the other posters. At 19 I lived with my mum, paid rent and I still had to ask if I was allowed someone to stayover.

He is being rude and unreasonable. I see your point totally

I think it's fairly typical for a 20 year old to have friends/girl friend over.

However, I would expect them to tidy up.

Are you home yet? If not, they may be planning to do a mega tidy up on the day you return. I would be annoyed if I arrived home and the house was a mess.

Got home to perfection they had obv done a clean up.

Dh and I sat him down whereby he lied girlfriend had not stayed over. (She stayed a week). I made it clear I wasn't buying it but decided to let it slide and here's why.. for the first time ever he was polite, didn't try to ignore me (yes I know he was in the wrong but that's never stopped him). Dh steered the convo round to ss's and my non-relationship. We actually communicated, agreed to make an effort to change things and he had dinner with us last night.

I'm not getting too excited but this is a first and I'm willing to give it a whirl and do what it takes.

Nice update, OP. Small steps and all that .

Thanks Bowlersarm x

Mm - hopefully new beginnings!

Fingers crossed for you op, you deserve to be respected in your own home, onwards and upwards I hope.