Advice on how to deal with my confused, bullied DSD

[SnowTale]

I'm wondering if anyone can shed a little light or advice if possible.

I live with my DSD, DH and our children together. DSD is 7 and has lived with us since the age of 2 and a half. She's always been fine until recently with the fact that she's living with her dad and I and sees her mum overnights once a month (mum's choice).

Lately she's been having a lot of bullying in school. She's been told by girls in her class that she can't come to their parties because she doesn't live with her real mum and that she doesn't have any real brothers or sisters.

We've been up the school to have a word with the teacher (as it was her who informed us at first what was going on before DSD let it all out). The head has apparently contacted the parents of the children involved. But now DSD has started having nightmares and bedwetting. She's woken up crying that her Mummy doesn't want her.

DH and I have tried reassuring her that just because she doesn't live with Mummy doesn't mean she doesn't want her or love her (even if inside we both think she could do a lot more) but she's convinced that because she doesn't live with Mummy and Daddy then she's not loved by one.

When DH has spoken to her himself she told him that basically her ideal scinario would be living with Mummy, Daddy, I and her siblings all under one roof.

Not much advice as it's not something I have had to deal with but I would be amazed if every other child in her class lived with both parents

what mumof3 said - i doubt very much if these other children at school live with mum dad and siblings - they are projecting what they have heard from their horrible gossippy parents onto your stepdaughter.
so very many children do not 'live with mummy and daddy'!

Oh poor love! What mean little baggages the others are, I hope karma never visits them and shows them how hard it is to deal with a situation like that themselves. :(

The trouble is that we as human beings very often take on one negative idea/thought/comment as gospel, despite 100 positive refutations of that thought. Once she has it in her head that it is "true", almost nothing you can say will shift it - but the reason it has taken root so well may be because she lacks confidence and also has wondered why she only sees her mum so infrequently. So - what can you do - try and build up her confidence in herself, so that she believes herself that she is lovable, and likeable, and that these girls are narrowminded ignorant little girls who have only got maybe 2 parents who care about them, whereas she is lucky enough to have three parents who care about her - that's great for her!

Re. the parties, I just don't get that. What a stupid stupid thing for them to say/think - do you think it's coming from their mothers/parents? some ancient stigma re. "broken families" or something? Utterly ignorant and pathetic of them, anyway.

Does she have friends among other children in her class? Maybe have a party yourself and only invite the children who haven't bullied her, and have a BRILLIANT time.

Children can be so cruel. My ex went NC and ds1 has had cruel taunts at school. He has asd and bullies target him anyway but then they were able to add 'see, you're so weird your own dad hates you'

It's heartbreaking and there is so little you can do to 'fix it'. Like you we spoke to the school who have apparently dealt with it. With ds it has taken a lot of love, reassurance and patience. Dh has been speaking to him, telling him how proud he is and how much he loves him.

I think that is all you can do in reality, show her she lives with 2 parents who utterly adore her and give her plenty of love and cuddles. No doubt you already do this so just keep at it. It takes time. You can never completely heal the hurt an inadequate parent causes but she just needs you to be there.

I hope she's okay, poor wee thing

Thanks for the responses. I completely agree that she's not the only one who doesn't live with both. I'm a product myself parents who divorced.

She does have one friend who she is joined at the hip to. It's mainly a group of about 4 girls who keep on at her.

Personally, I agree that she is lacking in confidence and is also crying out for attention from her Mum. It would be helpful if Mum would also reassure her but she's put it down to "kids being kids and it'll soon blow over."

Sounds like her mum has her own problems, one of which being that she CBA to put herself out for her own daughter. :(

Can you give her a set of responses to remember when these girls start on at her?

I did tell her to say "You're just jealous because I have three people who love and care for me." Originally it was to ignore them.

Sometimes it burns me up inside that I want to go and have a word with the parents myself but I'm not sure what good it would do after the school have had a word. And I don't want to make it worse for her.

We've even asked Mum to have her two overnights in the month. She agrees but never sticks to it.

God what horrible kids. I'd be livid with mine if I found out they were doing anything of the sort!

Do you know the parents of the kids involved? Any chance of you speaking to them about the situation? The teacher could do a little session in class about how all families are different, and about how half / step siblings are still siblings etc.

Xalla, I know who the parents are but not personally. The 4 girls' mum's always gather in a cliche of their own when at the school. I haven't had a word with them myself because I thought the school had sorted it. And I wasn't sure on the impact of me going straight to them would have on DSD. But obviously she's bedwetting and very distressed over the comments now. So I guess DH and I will have to have a talk with them.

The school need to be more proactive to address this. There must be programmes and resources they can use for pse, circle time etc.
She isn't going to be the only child in the school not living with both parents due to divorce separation fostering or sadly bereavement and using this issue to bully another child is mean.
School is responsible for her well being in school. Perhaps they can also bring in the parents and without mentioning dsd tell them their children are being mean to other children in respect of their home life - something they can't control.

Problem with going to the girls' parents, is that you don't know if this shit is coming from them, from stuff that the girls have heard in their homes.

Completely different scenario, but when I was about 7 or 8, we had one boy in our class who was completely racist. Utterly foul behaviour, he really was, a bully, racist etc. - but his behaviour must have been learnt from somewhere and no prizes for guessing what his dad was like!

So, going directly to the parents might be counter-productive, sadly. :(

Really all you can do is work with your DSD and build up her confidence, give her more stock phrases, teach her to pity them for their narrowminded bigotry and lack of imagination, and love her all the more.

Agreed that the school need to be more proactive and if the Mums are in the same clique as the daughters, maybe don't approach them yourself. It could well be coming from home. Ugh.

It sounds like you are dealing with your DSDs emotions well but I wonder if you should insist that the school access a counsellor for your DSD to have some professional input. It may be too painful for your DSD to "dump" all her emotions on you and her Dad but may be able to on an outsider?

I agree that the school need to step up massively.