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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I have left DH. I miss my step daughter so much.

29 replies

Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 21:28

I was full time primary carer for DSD for nearly 4 year. Did all school runs, doctors, everything.

I have left DH. It has been in the offing for a while but came to a head over xmas and I have moved out. DSD staying with GPs for a bit.

I am still trying to see her as much as possible, but it isn't enough. She is my little girl and I miss her so much.
I miss that my role has suddenly disappeared - I've had mums from the school texting to ask where I am.
DSD said to me 'will you still be friends with x's mum? Because you're not really being my mum anymore are you?'
I don't know what to say to her. It is all such a big horrible mess.

How will I cope? I feel like someone has removed a limb.
I miss her more than I think I will ever miss DH and she was an enormous factor in me staying so long.

OP posts:
mostlyharmless · 11/01/2014 21:32

What an awful situation. How old is she? Have you talked about seeing her with your DH at all?

NotALondoner · 11/01/2014 21:35

Will you have proper contact at all? I remember your other threads, you obviously have a huge amount of love for her.

lunar1 · 11/01/2014 21:39

Will he be reasonable in allowing you to see her? I hope you can maintain some proper contact.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 21:40

She doesn't want to see DH. He has always had a temper and it had gotten out of hand of late and she has said she doesn't want to go home if I'm not there. DH is not coping with the split, drinking so she is staying at MILs.

I am picking her up from school on Mon which will be great but when I saw her on wed she was clinging onto me, wanted to come with me.

I would love custody but I know DH and her mother (despite not ordinarily giving a shit) would fight and not sure of my chances anyway.

It is parents evening next week. I should be there.

I'm torn - because I want to be as involved as possible but I don't want to overcomplicate her life - what happens if\when DH meets someone else? How many step mums can she have?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/01/2014 21:40

Hugs, she will still have to be considered under "Arrangements for children of the marriage" form and you would get support from cafcass etc to have regular contact with her. Is your STBXH happy to let you have regular contact?

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 21:43

At the moment he has no issues with me seeing her but I think that will change once he realises I'm definitely not coming back.

We will always be linked because of DS of course but I won't be her mother anymore will i?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/01/2014 21:43

If she's refusing to stay with DH I would offer to have her at yours?

RandomMess · 11/01/2014 21:45

"mother" is just a label, tbh you are her "Mum" because you have fulfilled that role for a long time. So sad for her, the fact you have ds will work in your favour as it's something else that you have to offer - a relationship with her sibling that she is entitled to.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 21:45

I even feel like a fraud posting here because I'm not a step parent anymore am i?!

It was such a big part of me, all happened so quickly and now it's all gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 21:46

I can't have her to stay yet as I'm at my mums in another county - but I move into my new house of the 8th Feb and have said she can stay whenever she likes providing it is convenient for daddy.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 11/01/2014 21:49

Is there a mum on the scene at all? It seems far to hard on your dsd to lose you as her mum.

elliebellys · 11/01/2014 21:52

Im so sorry fairy.you are so more than a step mum to this little girl.always will be.if it gets nasty over contact then take it to court for a contact order you will have a strong case.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 21:55

There is a mum, yes. She has not had her since she was 1 though (nearly 9 now) and has openly said (as DSD has Said ideally she would want to live with her) that she doesn't want her full time. She has upped her contact to two nights per week, although she has already text MIL twice to say she can't have her (it's been two weeks).

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 21:56

I think when I get myself together I will start thinking about joint custody or something.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/01/2014 21:58

At 9 your dsd's desire to have regular contact with you (or residency even) would be taken into consideration. It may be worth seeing if you can get some free legal advice from a solicitor or even ask your h about organising formal contact whilst he is still being civil to you? Again gives you a stronger footing should it all become nasty.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 11/01/2014 22:00

Fairy - so she's back with the crazy MIL who used to come over and rearrange your house? Was MIL any part of the reason for the split?

Spottybra · 11/01/2014 22:04

Get legal advice and fight for her. Even if you loose she will remember that you did.

ChippingInWadesIn · 11/01/2014 22:07

I am glad you have left him, I am just so very very sorry you couldn't take her with you. I hope you can find it in you to fight for PR and have her live with you and DS x

If I were you I would tell her that you will always be her 'whatever she calls you mummy in your heart and that you want her to live with you & that you will do your very best to make sure it happens, but if it can't you will still love her to bits and want to be her 'whatever she calls you mummy'.

My heart is breaking for you - it is a horrible horrible situation :(

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 22:08

No, MIL not any reason, although part of a bigger picture of why they are all Fucking lunatics.
MIL rubbing hands in glee obv but it at least means she's my no1 fan for the minute.

We split because he is a lazy, selfish abusive prick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 22:10

Thank you chipping - you've got me welling up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairy1303 · 11/01/2014 22:10

Thank you to all of you of course, I don't know what I would have done without MN

OP posts:
Mrsantithetic · 11/01/2014 22:26

Not a step parent any more either but I was from 18-27 although the early years where only long weekends eventually I had him full time. Broke my heart when I left his dad. However he is 17 now and still keeps in contact with me. His family moved away and he went with them shortly after we split so I haven't seem him other than in passing when he has been this way but he knows he can always come to me.

Anyway just saw this in active and wanted to pop on and show some support. It's really hard and you have my sympathies. I hope you can work something out.

NatashaBee · 11/01/2014 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 11/01/2014 22:52

I used to feel this way but slightly different for me in that

P used the kids to get me back with him on numerous occasions
Kids didn't feel the same way about me

Anyway, if they had and in your position I would definitely put in for at very least a contact order and at the other end apply for residency.
Sounds like both her parents are crap and she'd be much better off with you anyway.
She will be assessed for gillick competency and her wishes will be taken into consideration either way with GC adding a bit more weight to them.

I think your chances are actually pretty good. Don't feel a fraud posting here the step parents board is second only to relationships board IMO for support x

CountryGal13 · 11/01/2014 23:04

How awful. This must be heart breaking for you. I hope that things work out well. It sound like this little girl needs you as the only stable person in her life xx