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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Being told by parners family that im not fair on step son

18 replies

Claire2390 · 21/12/2013 13:59

My wife and i both have a son, i look after them both fulltime because my wife works 37+ hours a week. I try my best to treat the boys fairly, but i have had constant digs from all her family that im harder on my ss than my son. But resently my wife is agreeing with her family that i am. The trouble is that my ss is alot more difficult than my son. Hes much more of an attention seeker, where as my son almost disappears in to the background as hes so quite. Everyone tells me i should give him the extra attention so then he wont be naughty but i feel as though why should he been given more attention than my son just because hes louder n naughty. He should just be taught how he behaves isnt right. Does anyone else have this trouble? Its mking me not want to look after him if im not doing it to thier standard!

OP posts:

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tribpot · 21/12/2013 14:04

What ideas does your wife have to address her son's behaviour? How old are the two children?

He may be a child who needs more attention, but that should be a reward for good behaviour, not reinforcing the idea that bad behaviour gets you what you want.

Original poster

Claire2390 · 21/12/2013 14:22

My son is 2 and a half and my step son is 3. She excuses his behaviour and puts it down to everything else .. Hes hungry, hes tired, hes done alot today, he misses her anything goes really. An example is they always have milk before bed, my step son said with attitude that he doesnt want milk, so i said thats fine just straight to bed, my wifes aunt on the otherhand went n got him hot chocolate n said i was being hard on him. I think that condones the way he spoke to me and also giving into his demands. I would never give either of them chocolate for bed.

OP posts:

cavell · 21/12/2013 14:35

From what you've said, it sounds as if you are treating the boys fairly to me.

It seems more that your wife and her family have very different ideas from you regarding discipline, expected standards of behaviour and so on. I'm not sure how one resolves such issues other than by talking them through.

Original poster

Claire2390 · 21/12/2013 14:40

Ive tried, its like he can do no wrong in their eyes!

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 21/12/2013 14:49

Not all children are the same and not all children require the same parenting techniques, you may need to parent them both differently in order to meet each of their needs. But your inlaws also need to recognise that it is not fair for the inlaws to undermine you.

If your wife wants you to be the stay at home parent, then you both need to agree on ground rules, then if the in-laws complain she can stand up to them and insist that your family rules are respected.

BillyBanter · 21/12/2013 14:53

It doesn't sound like you are being particularly unfair. All parents treat all their children slightly differently as they are different little people and the relationships between each parent and child each have a slightly different dynamic too.
However lots of parents do also knowingly or unknowingly favour one child over the other to some degree.

Both of these apply to any family combo, whether full siblings, half siblings etc.

Her and her family will be more alert to anything that could look like you favouring your natural son over your step son, I expect. I think it's fairly natural to worry that a step parent won't treat their stepchild as well as their own children. This doesn't mean their observations are an accurate picture.

All I can really suggest is you give him lots of positive attention for good behaviour and try to ignore as much bad attention seeking behaviour as possible. Try to be aware that he does or will know that he is not your son and that it is important to give reassurances that he is just as valued by you. Remember too that some children just like more adult interaction while others are more self-contained. Neither is wrong and variations like this occur between full siblings.

BillyBanter · 21/12/2013 14:54

YY to molly too.

Sparklyboots · 21/12/2013 14:58

Well, he is only three, OP... He sounds like you think of him like a stroppy teen. I'm not sure you can gets smiles, good manners and gentleness out of someone that age unless you model smiles, good manners and gentleness; shouting and negativity begets shouting and negativity. I'm also pretty certain what you are interpreting as "attitude" isn't quite so calculated. It's possible to tell the child that speaking like that is unlikely to encourage cooperation without being punitive; issued as friendly advice it goes down better anyway.

Original poster

Claire2390 · 21/12/2013 15:01

Yeah, i think the idea of setting ground rules is worth trying. I do try and over enthuse the good behaviour, some parts of that i find difficult though, for instance; he's been toilet trained for over a year now and finds it funny to have accidents so when he does go on the toilet i try and be all enthusiastic about it but its forced as at the end of the day he's just not being naughty that doesn't mean he's being good, if that makes sense? Saying that i would be the same with mine if he does it after a year of being trained.

OP posts:

Sparklyboots · 21/12/2013 15:03

Yikes, that post sounds like I think you shout at him or whatever... I didn't mean to imply that you rage at him all day or anything. Just to suggest that you model the behaviour you want rather than punish him for stuff you don't want, iyswim.

Sparklyboots · 21/12/2013 15:18

Right, the "accident" thing, I'd say reframe that to him as not being about you at all, but about him. We used to say, "bad luck DS, you didn't quite make it" even if it was really obvious he'd not bothered trying/ was up to mischief - he went through a week or two of this in the summer. This reframes it as his not your concern, and takes any fun out of getting a rise out of you. I'd go easy on the praise for this one TBH, a simple reflection of what you see - "you made it to the loo and sorted your own trousers" in an approving tone would be the absolute maximum. Otherwise you make the whole thing something he does for the effect it has on you, rather than keep it in the realm of his business.

Original poster

Claire2390 · 21/12/2013 15:43

I tell him im really upset with him, and hes not a big boy anymore to most things only when hes aggressive i put him on time out to take him away from the situation, then ill talk to him about looking after people and being nice. Not overly ogar like?

OP posts:

Sparklyboots · 21/12/2013 17:35

What you are saying isn't exactly ogre like, you are right, but falling from grace with important people can be pretty devastating, especially for children whose parental figures haven't always been stable. The thing about not being a big boy sounds slightly odd? He just is who he is, he's as big as he is before and after bad behaviour? Does 'being a big boy' confer status or privilege in your set up? It's a bit harsh to expect a three year old to be able to manage their difficult feelings in order to 'earn' your good regard. If he keeps on with difficult behaviour like hitting, it's clear he is overwhelmed in a situation and lashing out - can you swoop in and help him before he hits, rather than punish him afterwards? And possibly not make him responsible for your for your feelings (by saying you aren't happy with him) but just focus on what you do want from him and help him to achieve it?

BillyBanter · 21/12/2013 17:36

No but he's 3 and being a 3 year old.

That sounds like a top tip from Sparkly on the weeing front.

fubar74 · 21/12/2013 20:51

Can I just say something to put a little perspective on it, I have two of my own who always were very different and I was much harder on my son than my daughter for the exact same reasons you are with your ss than your ds but their way of seeing it is out of perspective because of their emotional link to the naughty one, but they don't have to live with his behaviour so this should be between you and your wife and not her family

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 21/12/2013 21:42

I think that in a three year old behaviour isn't always good or bad, it's all sorts of shades in between and I don't always react with my 'that's naughty' robe of voice unless it really really is - hitting or doing something dangerous are my absolutes for example.

I find that just nicely explaining 'people don't like that', or 'when you want x it's better to x' rather than all out telling off works really well for mine. And also alot of modelling nice kind behaviour rather than modelling dismissive shouty behaviour works with mine.

But it's difficult to say as each child is different. One thing that is true whoever the child is this:

That you need to give them love and affection even if they are a 'naughty child', otherwise the child only gets negative attention and that's very bad for them.

You don't sound particularly fond of him, but that might be just the frustration?

and I agree with another poster that you seem to be reacting as if the child is a teenager not a three year old. Try not to take it as a personal thing directed at you- he's three so he's just experimenting with what voices to use and what happens if he pushes what boundary. If you react like its a personal slight, you're getting more angry than it warrants, and also he won't understand why as its beyond him at this point,

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 21/12/2013 21:46

To explain why I think it's getting taken too personally -

"tell him im really upset with him, and hes not a big boy anymore"

Both these phrases are very personal, the first is saying what's important is his effect on you, rather than the behaviour in general. The second is quite belittling and I would use this with care, as a three year old has fragile emotions and a sense of self, and you are acting on that in order to shame / punish him, which is not really the point of telling him off is it?

A bit of distancing is required 'that's not nice', 'we don't no that' or even simply 'no hitting!' etc...

newlifeforme · 22/12/2013 12:48

I wonder if you're struggling with the different personalities, your son maybe quiet, that's just him and maybe he has inheirted your traits.Your ss will be different, maybe he is more lively, talkative, pushes boundaries but you can't make him like your son so you have to have different strategies.

I also think your son is fortunate to have you with him all week but your ss doesn't have his parent with him so it is harder for him.It will be obvious to everyone around you that you have a natural bond with your son so I think you have to work harder with your stepson.Be honest if you are not bonding with your stepson.In a nanny situation families aren't keen for the nanny to care for her own child as well as a family as its recognised that a natural instinct is to favour your own child.Sometimes its subconscious, you son will have traits similar to you and you will feel more confident with him.

I'm not sure the setup you have will work as you need to have discussed these issues ahead of time.I would be very uncomfortable if I was your partner, especially if its obvious to others that her son is treated more harshly because he is a lively little boy.I also think looking after 2 boys of this age is tough so you need to have lots of parenting strategies in place.

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