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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Out of interest...

36 replies

mumandboys123 · 03/12/2013 18:22

...how many of you involve yourselves in your step children's schooling? My ex has literally just moved in with the latest girlfriend (third live-in girlfriend in 5 years, countless other women mentioned by children over that time as well) after knowing her for no longer than about 4 weeks. Children like her and all seems fine. I am put out, however, in that she has started writing in my children's reading record books. I know I should be grateful she is interested and supporting them (and I am, honestly, after several girlfriends who have behaved very badly towards our children) but I just feel she's over-stepped a bit? To add insult to injury, I work full time as a teacher and so can't attend my children's school plays. My mum usually goes on my behalf - the school only gives out 2 tickets per family. I have always asked my ex what day he wants and ordered him a ticket...I discovered today that he's removed the paperwork from the children's bags and ordered both tickets for the Xmas play without telling me (so my mum now can't go and presumably - I might be wrong- the girlfriend will be attending). I have never met her, it is a new relationship, she has seen our children about 4 times in total....

I know it's unreasonable. I'm just interested in at what point you got involved in this kind of thing or indeed, whether you consider it off-limits (or not).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

supermariossister · 04/12/2013 08:22

I would try to look at it that at least they have someone else in their lives that is interested in helping them and achieving what they are capable of. I wouldn't be happy about the tickets though especially since relationship is so new and presumably your mum would like to go too. my sc have the four of us who are all involved I imagine sometimes when we are all nagging about the same issue they wish we weren't but they have four adults who love and support them and who they could turn to if they needed help and surely that can only be a good thing even if it is a bit hard to get used too. perhaps if they stay together it could work out u do u Derraid your concern though if it's a regular thing to change girlfriends and such

supermariossister · 04/12/2013 08:27

Do understand your concern that should be

AliceinWonderhell · 04/12/2013 09:05

It all depends how much energy you have to deal with these issues and which have the most significant affect on your DCs.

If your Mum not being at the play, or their Dads DP signing their spelling book, causes the DCs significant distress, then that's what should be prioritised for change.
If the effort of pursuing child maintenance is creating stress and exhaustion and without it, your DCs will be homeless or in poverty, then it's probably sensible to let the lower priority issues slide and pick your battles.

If you have the energy&time to address everything they your ex does that you dislike or disagree with - can you share your secret, please?!?

stepmooster · 04/12/2013 09:09

Pls point out where I said your ex should not pay you maintenance!

Ffs I never think acceptable if the nrp has means to do so.

My point is you can choose to let your ex wind you up and bite every time or you can get let it go.

You have to stop assuming every stepmother on the planet either the ones your children have or the ones on here are like the lady who slapped your children. We are not.

If you rant away to your ex like you do to me then he's going to behave like an arse some more.

My DH ex is a complete bitch and when she does something last minute or cuts DH out or has a dig about our family. I have to calm DH down so he doesn't bite. For the life of me I don't know why she cannot accept that DH is happy and I guess she gets a kick out of messing with him. If you ignore this shit he will get bored.

So at the end of the day your childs homework diary has been signed off by another adult when not in your care, and your mum can't go to the play (which if you both went as a together family) she wouldn't go either.

Yep carry on biting and ranting to your ex, or just ignore the small stuff and save your energy for screwuing the bastard for CM.

stepmooster · 04/12/2013 09:11

Btw are you expecting to approve of every new girlfriend your ex has?

Maybe he introduces them early cos he's a twat and knows it gets to you?

MatryoshkaDoll · 04/12/2013 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaluki · 04/12/2013 10:39

I signed DSD's reading book for the first time this week. I heard her read and she gave me the pen and I signed it for her without thinking. I have been wondering if his ex would mention it but so far she hasn't! My dcs stepmum often does it too and it has never occurred to me to mind!
As for the tickets, we always get 4 and I give 2 to my ex and I either take DP or my Mum. Fairest way.
DP has never been to a school play for his dc. The tickets are all given to his exs family. A friend of his has dc at the same school and he recorded it last year and gave DP a copy but his ex found out and accused the friend of shit stirring so I doubt he will do it this year!!!
You see not all exs and stepmums are the same. I am a PWC and don't see my dc as possessions, they are mine and my exs and we both love them and want the best for them. DPs ex thinks they are just HER kids and if she had her way DP would never see them again.

Original poster

mumandboys123 · 04/12/2013 15:35

my mum not being at the play will upset the youngest child, yes. Very much so. It probably won't be so much an issue to the other two. I have no issue with the reading - just felt it was a bit 'crossing the line' given the early stages of their relationship. It's obviously a grey area - some step parents are involved, some aren't. I can live with it and I wouldn't have said anything because I see how silly it would be - why complain the children are seemingly being cared about?

Stepmooster - my apologies. I had a bad night last night! There is no ranting at my ex. I have no contact with him other than a handover once a fortnight (takes less than 2 minutes) and the odd e-mail or text, neither of which could (rarely) be described as 'ranty'. He doesn't get bored - I have ignored it and ignored it and ignored it....for over 5 years now! It's a huge game he plays - only when a relationship is 'serious'. I guess he needs to prove to any new girlfriend that he's in charge. Hence the concerns we have another one who doesn't know where the line is.

OP posts:

stepmooster · 04/12/2013 17:43

Apology accepted.

Ive been thinking, in the run up to their hearing, DH ex did some pretty annoying stuff to get at him. Its like she knew the judgement would be in his favour and she was determined to blindly go along with it wasting tens of thousands of pounds.

Perhaps your ex is the same, using the kids as pawns to get at you because he knows deep down he's wrong but can't admit it.

You are winning and he doesn't like it.

Hopefully once its all over and you hopefully get what is owed to you things will improve.

Original poster

mumandboys123 · 04/12/2013 19:32

Oh yes, he's very much in the wrong, about so many things, and he'll never admit it. The re-writing of history that has gone on is....incredible. I step into the twilight zone on an almost daily basis!

I'm not sure we'll ever get the maintenance the children are due. I would happily settle for far less if only he would pay something, regularly. The loop holes around self employment are huge and I'm not sure we'll get the Order in court anyway. We'll see.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 04/12/2013 21:00

I personally think its wrong of her to write in the child's reading record. Not in all SP situations, but certainly in the one you describe. I personally take nothing to do with my DSC schooling a) I have neither the time nor the inclination and b) they already have 2 parents.

The play tickets is also wrong, you and ex should each have a say in how your share (I.e. 1 ticket each) is used

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