DH has no interest in my DD. Feels he's betraying his kids (23 & 19).

[lizzielogs]

Help! I've been married 2 yrs & its become obvious that my DH has no interest in my DD (14yrs). We were together 6 years before marrying but not living together. She adored him, but I think I was blind to his reactions to her, & things were different because we weren't living together. She can now see how he is & just thinks he 'hates her', I've tried to speak to him about it & it boils down to the fact that he feels he's betraying his children (23 & 19) by showing any interest in mine. They only communicate if essential.

How old is your dh? Not that age is an excuse but perhaps now his kids are grown up he can't be bothered or feels to old to do it all again and he's made up this betrayal crap. His kids are old enough to not feel reflected or betrayed because their dad dares interact with another child. I think you need to think carefully about how you want your life to be. Your dd will need you and he needs to show some respect and kindness.

I had a similar thread on here a while ago.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1883294-He-ignores-my-dc
Things are a little better but only because I've stopped stressing about it. But my dc aren't overly bothered by it. If your dd is upset by it then it needs to change. I think he is using his own kids as an excuse. They aren't likely to be jealous at that age!!
Your DD shouldn't have to live with someone who she thinks hates her. 14 isn't exactly a child, he could make an effort to talk to her and find something in common with her. She is your DD at the end of the day and he is being disrespectful to you by treating her like this.

He's 50. He still spoils his children completely & is constantly trying to make up for not being in their lives when they were younger (though he lived near & saw them loads). I've never been able to reason with him about his children & have accepted that they come first etc, but this is having a massive impact on my DD & shes at a vunerable age etc which he can't seem to see.

So if his dc come first he should understand that your DD does too?
How would he have felt if someone treated his DD like that.
At 50 he should be old enough to know better !!!

Thanks Kaluki, interesting thread. Its never easy is it!

I feel for you. Reading this I wondered if you were my ex's wife - but our problem is the other way round.

He is constantly there for her children (youngest 14) but never there for his others (23 and 19 - and 10)

I don't understand his mentality, and I don't understand your husband's mentality either. I think sometimes people just cannot engage with certain of their children, full stop, for whatever reason that is entirely their own.

It is not her fault and not anything to do with her really - just him being unavaliable to her. I would reconsider your decision to let him live in your home, tbh, if he is making it so uncomfortable for her.

Or is your H never really there for his children either? If not he's making excuses and playing everyone off against one another.

It's not.
Tbh that is my one and only regret about not being with my dc's dad. It's that you can't share those childhood moments with the other person who loves your children as much as you do.
DSS passed his 11+ recently and I was overjoyed but although DP said the right things I knew his heart wasn't in it because it wasn't one of his kids.
Does your DD see her Dad? Mine do so it isn't so hard for them.

Could you turn it around and ask him how he would have felt if his kids were living in a house with someone they thought hated them despite professing to love their mother?

I get that he must feel guilty about not being around for his kids and I don't know what caused his first marriage to break up. But, given that he has been with you a while and obviously likes you enough to marry you, in some sense he must have moved on with his life in some ways. And given that that includes you and therefore your dd, he needs to be behaving at least nicely to her in the day to day routine interactions of everyday life. Surely that's just common manners?

From what you've posted it's not like you/your dd expect to be taken on expensive holidays or even lots of days out or expensive shopping trips - more just nice, normal chitchat over the dinner table or being able to ask for help with homework or knowing that in an emergency, if you weren't around and he was, that he would step in and help automatically because he wanted to, not because you'd had to beg and plead him to. And I really dont think this is an unreasonable ask, particularly as it sounds like your dd is being a nice teenager at the moment and not a tantruming stroppy brat (not that that would give him the right to not be personable to your dd but even as a parent you're much more likely to be tearing your hair out and thinking arrgghh if that's the case!).

How well does your dd get on with his kids? Do they ever interact with each other? If they said they liked their stepsister or that they thought of her as a little sister or were glad he had a chance to be a dad to her , would that maybe make him reconsider how he treats your dd?

She only sees her dad about once a month or so. He says he can't afford to see her more than that - so if I want a him to see her I have to pay him! (I know - Jeremy Kyle - thats a whole other story.. don't get me started).
He actually snuck out of the house early in the morning on her birthday recently - he said we sounded so happy together in the kitchen he didn't want to 'spoil the moment'! Thats all very well - but how do you explain it to a child you're trying to convince their stepdad does care for them?

Barely any interaction between the kids. Before we were married I tried to get us all to do things together as a family, but there was always an excuse from one of them (I should of tried harder), I guess I thought once we were living together things would work out. They rarely come to the house, & only seem to come here when they've run out of money or need a lift somewhere etc. They were divorced by the time we met BTW, his ex had an affair..

Is this upsetting your dd?

I go through phases of this with dp and ds. He says he'll make more effort and all is fine for a while, then something changes with his kids or something and it all starts slipping back.

I don't really have any advise but understand how you feel.

I think your post goes to show that insecure dads don't suddenly stop feeling insecure when the kids have grown up!

Bump

Your poor daughter. It must be utter misery for her to have no choice but to live like this. Growing up feeling hated. It's just horrible.

What do you want to do? How can he love you and treat your child with contempt? Even if he doesn't give a shit about your child, can't he see how much he hurts you by treating her as he does?

Perhaps you could try some family therapy ,if that doesn't work then to me its simple ,your dd shouldn't have to live in the same house as someone who she perceives to 'hate 'her .I would imagine if things don't change your dd will just leave home ASAP