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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can ex refused to allow my DP to collect my child?

25 replies

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 21:39

Ex has said that he will not hand over our child to anyone but me when it comes to pick ups. He said he will be making a request to the school to ensure DP nor anyone else can do pick ups. Can he do this? I work a lot and my DP or friend sometimes collects our child from him. He is saying this is going to stop. I rely on my partner to collect a lot.

OP posts:

onetiredmummy · 25/10/2013 21:47

I had this too and my reply to him was fine, you bring them back to my house when I'm there to take delivery of them not when it's convenient for you . If you don't like it then talk to my solicitor and we will talk through them from now on.

He backed down.

Tell school that dp can pick them up and your ex is playing foolish games.

Theworldisending · 25/10/2013 21:57

When ours were younger, we always give first call to the other parent on pick ups from school, so if I couldn't pick them up my ex was given first call and vice versa.

But if he can't do it, you can have who you want to do it.

NanaNina · 25/10/2013 21:59

The short answer is NO - he can't legally do this. You need to be assertive and tell him that so long as your child is in the care of someone you trust, be that your DP or friend then that's what will happen. Agree with otm you should make an appt to see the head teacher and explain the situation. Schools do need to know who can and can't pick up the child. They don't like getting involved in "taking sides" but so long as you make it clear that your child can be collected by your DP or a friend then that should be all that's needed.

IF ex does go to school and complain, there may be the need for A 3 way meeting between you, your ex and the head, so that things are sorted out.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 25/10/2013 22:06

OP how would you feel at a girlfriend or friend of his regularly doing the collecting from you? Not being snipey, do genuinely want to know.

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 22:08

Thanks for that info. He is a difficult person and always trying to find new ways to make our life harder. Ex does all collections during term time but I share them in holidays. He is now saying though that when he drops our child off, if I'm not there to recieve, he will leave again and I'll have to go and pick up child when I get in! He lives 20 miles away!

OP posts:

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 22:11

Oh his oh collects quite regularly

OP posts:

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 25/10/2013 22:15

so its one rule for one and one for the other?

He sounds a bit nutty then, if he is trying to stop you do something he does. Could you say "well, I will be home at x time, so dont bother coming before then, as DP will be in, so it will be a wasted trip for you"? Does he have to be somewhere, isthat why he drops off at a certain time?

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 22:20

To be honest, the only time we need to see each other outside of holidays is in the midweek tea time visit. He drops our child back to me after tea but he's now saying be won't hand over unless I'm there, and that he will take child back to his house 20 miles away.

OP posts:

redcaryellowcar · 25/10/2013 22:22

I think I will not be going with popular opinion here, what is the point of you having your son for time together when you are not there, I honestly struggle when children become a logistical exercise, when actually why they want is to spend time with their parents?

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 22:27

We are talking the difference of half hour or 40 minutes while I'm on my way home from work.

OP posts:

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 25/10/2013 22:29

So he stays with dad a little longer. Does your ex need to drop him at that time?

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 22:33

Yeah that's the time specified on the court order. So for example if dc need to be back with me by 10am in the holidays and I'm not there, he say he will take dc back to his house

OP posts:

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 25/10/2013 22:34

But if the court order says they need to be back to you then surely you should be there.

ivykaty44 · 25/10/2013 22:36

Thats fine if your ex dp doesn't want you getting help with pick ups from school then he will need to do all those pick ups from school himself I can't see a problems with that - but your exdp may have a problem with that....

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 25/10/2013 22:52

The court order doesn't specify that I have to be there. Who can be there every single time, for years on end? He also isn't there loads of times when I drop dc off but I don't create a fuss. Once I drop dc off to a childminder I had never seen in my life. She literally opened their front door and introduced herself as their new nanny. I almost fainted and nearly didn't handover - I mean the woman was a total stranger to me and ex did not prepare me for it in advance.
I am always with my child on my time. The issues I'm speaking of are relating to my DP going to pick dc up for me and other minor things. I'm not actually talking about providing actual childcare.

OP posts:

NorthernNanny5 · 26/10/2013 08:22

I agree with the first refusal offer. I wouldn't like my Ex's GF up at the school on a regular basis when I would be capable and happy to do it but had not been asked.
I hate this attitude of my time I'll do what I want, none of stop being parents just cause there not with us.
I do think your ex has double standards and it can't be one rule for one and one for the other.
Is it maybe a case your more often than not not there for drop off collection rather than sometimes and this is bothering him? Not saying that makes him right, just trying to get a picture

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 26/10/2013 08:33

Please, I am talking about occasional times, not regularly!!
I asked him to sign a first refusal form, he refused. Funny enough, he said that it was up to him to arrange care for dc when with him. There are serious double standard.

OP posts:

NorthernNanny5 · 26/10/2013 09:50

Hi Sally wasn't suggesti g it was regular just trying g to understand the situation. I totally sympathise, so what he's saying is in his time he can do what he wants, but on your time you still do what he wants! Was he controlling when you were together?
I would remind him of the first refusal document. If continues to be awkward about drop off etc suggest lawyers again, he's being a bully Sally

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 26/10/2013 11:16

He tried this in court a long time ago- and failed. The judge said it was up to whichever parent to arrange care as they see fit but now he is saying he won't actually hand dc over. This is going to cause me issues. I hate going to their house, he intimidates me so my DP picks up for me. He is saying he won't hand over to my dp which is a nightmare.

OP posts:

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 26/10/2013 15:30

Tell him if he wants a variation to the contact order, and wants to change the time that he returns your son home then he takes it back to court . Hopefully he 'll then stop to think about the little boy left waiting in the car whilst he decides if he 's going to let him out or drive him away again..

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 26/10/2013 20:23

Thanks, that's a good idea. What about if my DP wants to pick dc up from his house though? Ex is planning to send my DP away if he calls to collect....and make him come back later with me in tow. I can't go anywhere near ex's house. I have anxiety

OP posts:

JustMe1993 · 27/10/2013 22:48

If he refuses to hand DC over can't you call the police? If the court order states he has to hand DC at a certain time and he doesn't he's breaking the court order and he most likely won't do it again

Original poster

oldsoaksally · 28/10/2013 18:02

Good point! Will try that!

OP posts:

holidaysarenice · 28/10/2013 18:10

Its just been said but I second that if they are to be dropped of at x time and he doesn't do it, then he's in breach of the order. Let him try that one.

emmalcp78 · 30/10/2013 14:43

I agree, he would be in breach of the contact order if he didn't let your DP have him back on your behalf. He's just making trouble. My ex did the same. Trouble is if you had to take him back to court over it, it would be very expensive...I sympathise. Your ex sounds a lot like mine. It's a control thing, he can't control you any more in the ways he could when you were together so he's trying it like this.

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