New to mumsnet...15 year old step daughter....dilemma

[Heather67]

Hi

I'm a step mum to a 15 year old girl. We have a good relationship. I also get on well with her mum and stepdad, and as it wasn't an acrimonious divorce her parents also get on well. All very adult etcetera and I genuinely feel lucky that it goes so well between us.

So here's the thing... I heard today that SD had her new boyfriend over at home last night and he left at 0245. That explained how knackered she was today...and grumpy LOL. But I was pretty shocked that he was there so late. Even more surprised that mum knew and was ok with it.

Am I completely out of touch??...I'm 46, I don't think of myself as old! That just seems ridiculously late. I find it difficult not to say anything but it's that balance between wanting the best for them vs. not sticking your nose in too much....always a difficult line to walk.

Would love to hear your thoughts and share any tips you. Oft have.
Thanks
Heather

One of the joys of Stepparenting - you can't/don't have the right to express an opinion

Parenting values are tricky at the best of times; when it comes to DSC, then it's even more complicated. What does your DP think? He's the one who should decide whether its a significant enough issue for him to address it with his ex - especially if it affects his DDs behaviour when she's in his care.
Generally though, differences in parenting style are best left - particularly if there's an amicable relationship in place. It's best to leave the discussion for issues that are really important; drugs, crime, pregnancy etc.

disclaimer - not a step-parent

but, you know, kids can do...stuff...at any time of the day or night. it doesn't take long.

at least he went home.

if you wouldn't allow this at your house, that's fine

....DP wad also shocked and says he is going to speak to his ex about it. I think he'll express surprise more than get into an argument...not his style.

Good advice from you both, thanks. Somehow I need to keep my mouth shut, but I find it really difficult :-)

I too am a step mum to a 15 year old DSD. I spoke up after a disastrous holiday in August and now she (and her 13 yr sister) won't have anything to do with me and refuse to come to our house.

I'd keep quiet. I wish I had in many ways!

I don't think you have to keep your mouth shut. You're allowed to have an opinion and your DP might even want to listen to it sometimes
It's just that it is just that - your opinion but if it's something that doesn't directly affect you then you don't get to actually make decisions. Or take the responsibility for them.
I don't think my DSD's mum knew where she was half the time when she was 15. Nor my DP but ultimatly not up to me beyond sharing my concerns with DP

Purple roses my poor DP probably hears too much of my opinion LOL....but yes, I take your point, it's a helpful way to look at it.

Louby44 I hope things work out for you with them, that must be very tough....

Heather, it is very hard to keep silence, especially when you have your DSD's best interests at heart. I am pleased your DP is supportive, that is a big plus. I don't think there is anything you can actually do other than try to influence, without direct confrontation. Your DSD is still young at 15yo. I am opinionated about my DSS , but I am careful not to over-step the mark (well, not too much!), although my DP is extremely tolerant and has generally said he agrees with my observations - he says he is sometimes too close to the situation, so welcomes things being pointed out that pass him by at 10,000 feet

Louby I remember your post about your holiday and I remember feeling really upset on your behalf, horrendous stress. I hope things may ultimately pan out well, perhaps the separation at the moment is a way of calming things down and giving time for reflection....

Daisy - things are no better really. I think foolishly that I thought I had my DSD respect and that they liked me enough to listen and understand my point of view. How wrong I was!

Of course I was talking to 2 teenagers, not a sensible adult! I completely got it wrong. I'm nobody really important to them. Just the person that pays half towards everything!