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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Fahers Day- Should I organise gift for my partner? Advice please!!

28 replies

usedtobe · 11/06/2013 14:17

long story short: fathers day is approaching and Im not sure how to handle it. Son lives with me and my BF moved in with us in January.
I don?t want BF to be freaked out by fathers day gift/card but want his efforts to be acknowledged. Ill just add we are very serious about each other too and will be starting family together in few years.

I was thinking of 'thank you for being there for me' card but my sister and friend advised me not to do anything at all as he is not Dad. Ex (the Dad) is around too and has little one every other weekend.

Any advice welcome!!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

allnewtaketwo · 11/06/2013 14:21

I don't think you should acknowledge Fathers Day on behalf of your son. If and when he's old enough and wants to do this, he can do so

Original poster

usedtobe · 11/06/2013 14:31

Going with that line Dad wont get a card either my son is 6

Im just worried about hurting my partners feelings as he is like a step -dad to my boy.

OP posts:

Fenton · 11/06/2013 14:53

How about asking your son if he wants to make a card for his Dad as it's Father's Day coming up, - he will probably ask what it's all about and it'll give you a chance to explain it's about acknowledging the things a Dad does for his children and to say thank you etc. Then let him decide whether he feels like he wants to do the same for your BF.

I don't think you should ignore it as far as his Dad goes, (did you acknowledge Father's Day when you were together? - sorry, don't know you situation) it's very good for all IME (your son and relations with ex) to encourage these things, (not force of course)

allnewtaketwo · 11/06/2013 15:10

It's a totally different matter for the child's actual father. It would be very nice (for the child) for you to assist in him making a card. My advice was specific to your OP, which was about your partner rather than the child's father. Let that relationship develop naturally. If the child at some point wishes to acknowledge fathers day in some way with respect to your partner, let that be the child's choice

Discogeek · 11/06/2013 15:18

I agree with allnew, I too live with my 6 year old DS and my DP (not sons dad). DS sees his dad regularly & they have a good relationship. I get Father's Day card & pressie for his dad from DS (as he does for Mother's Day for me) but I don't get DP anything as he's not his dad.
If at any point your son decides he wants to get something for your DP then it must be his decision.
I wouldn't dream of doing anything for my DP from my son without him first mentioning it. TBH it would be weird given my DS knows he's not his dad and acknowledgement of what a good step dad he is happens regularly from my DS so I don't feel a card is even needed.
Hope that makes some sense!

Onesleeptillwembley · 11/06/2013 15:25

No, of course not, he's not his dad. That would smack of trying to make him 'new daddy'. Bit creepy.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 11/06/2013 15:34

My DS has since he was about 6 wanted to do something for his step-dad as well as his Dad. Some years it's been a card, another year a key-ring, he's made cakes and drawn a picture. One year because his step-brothers were away, and so was his father, he made DH breakfast in bed unprompted. That year was good in terms of comfort for the two of them - DS because he had someone to make a fuss of and DH to have someone make a fuss of him.

Some years he's done it in response to a question about whether he'd like to and other years it's been unprompted. I think it's really hard for us to judge the relationship between your DS and DP - only you and DS know really the 'right' thing to do.

Original poster

usedtobe · 11/06/2013 15:41

Thank you all

i did not mean to sound like im forcing it on my son and perhaps just speaking to him and asking if he wants to do anything is the answer

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 11/06/2013 15:48

I don't think you should be having that conversation with a with a 6 year old, he will find it very confusing and may just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Let it come naturally in time, there's no rush

Smartieaddict · 11/06/2013 15:55

I would stick to helping your DS do something for his actual Dad. Your DP is not, and never will be, his Dad. That doesn't mean they can't have a great relationship. I think suggesting to your DS now, that he give your DP a fathers day card would be confusing for your DS, and unfair on both his actual Dad, and your DP!

purpleroses · 11/06/2013 16:08

Agree with the previous posters that I wouldn't do anything for a DP unless the child initiated it.

That's not to stop you doing something nice for him direct from you though - buy him a card or small present or something and say thanks for being there for your DS and all the help he is to you as a parent.

NatashaBee · 11/06/2013 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purpleroses · 11/06/2013 16:10

Should add - I've helped my DSC make mothers day cards for their DM - despite spending the day, and 90% of all non-school days in the year with me and DP rather than their actual mother. Wouldn't want DP to suggest to them that they did a card for me, (and I don't suggest my DCs do one for DP either) but do appreciate it a great deal when DP occasionally says that he appreciates all I do for them.

Original poster

usedtobe · 11/06/2013 16:44

Thank you guys. Ill get a Thank you card from myself for my DP

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 11/06/2013 19:35

You can get cards that are to 'step-dad' in my local clintons so that could be the answer, or as has been suggested, if your son is old enough to understand ask him if he wants to get your bf a card...or make one for him

Xalla · 12/06/2013 06:43

My DH always gets me one of those "like a Mum to me" cards from DSD on Mother's Day and it makes me cringe every time tbh. DSD spends Mother's Day with her Mum so it's always DH that gives it to me anyway - totally unnecessary.

DSD usually makes me a lovely card on my bday - I'm much more comfortable with that.

VBisme · 12/06/2013 06:50

I'm a stepmum and the acknowledgement I get for the time and effort I put in to help raising the kids is from my DH, not the kids.
There is still animosity towards DH from his ex, me receiving anything on Mother's Day would be like a red rag to a bull.
But I appreciate that not everyone is in that situation.

needaholidaynow · 12/06/2013 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onesleeptillwembley · 12/06/2013 14:03

This bloke's lived with you at the most 6 months. Stop forcing this, it really is weird. And makes you seem needy.

Original poster

usedtobe · 12/06/2013 18:02

Onesleeptillwembly I am not forcing anything, I thanked everyone for advice and decided on a thank you card from me to my DP I'm not sure why you have to be so rude 'this bloke' is a lovely man looking after me and my DS

OP posts:

Smartieaddict · 12/06/2013 19:08

I think a thankyou card from you is a lovely idea!

Tuckshop · 12/06/2013 19:38

You don't strike me like that at all usedtobe. I'm getting a thank you gift for my dp from all of us. He has done far more emotionally, financially and practically for my dd's in the past year than their Dad has and I think it needs to be acknowledged. Their own Dad doesn't even want to see them at the weekend.

I think as a step parent you can get little thanks from anyone, get taken for granted and have little voice in things. I want dp to know that I value what he does, and this is one way of doing so.

pumpkinsweetie · 12/06/2013 19:45

Depends what sort of role he plays tbh, if he is becoming like a father to your son then can't see the harm in it providing you have discussed the issue previously visa vi him becoming a dad to your son. If not and this isn't how it is, then no i wouldn't as it may scare him off forever and of course it also depends on how your son feels too.

TheOrchardKeeper · 12/06/2013 19:50

Bugger what anyone else thinks.

You know your DP and whether he'd be likely to appreciate some acknowledgement or not.

Been with my DP a year and no, he's not the dad and DS' dad is involved but I still got him a little something, as he's still part of a family at the end of the day and DS and him do have a bond, just not the same one as him and his biological dad.

I just made sure nothing said 'dad' and it wasn't 'from' DS but from us both.

Had to give it to him early as he was going away for the week and he's really chuffed. I'll let DS decide if he wants to do anything from just him when he's older but this was from me.

Chesntoots · 12/06/2013 21:47

I used to get my step dad a fathers day card but I was an older teen when my mum and him got together.

I was really lucky because even though my mum hated my dad with a passion, he and my step dad got on well. My step dad never tried to take over and my dad appreciated the things he did to help me.

I was very lucky.

Your son may want to get a card in the future. In the meantime why don't you get your partner something nice just to show him you appreciate him? I think that would be nice.

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