Glorified babysitter again!

[entersandmum]

DP rang me at work yesterday, just to inform me that DSD 9 would be staying until Monday because she is off school.

Is he taking time off? Is he boll**ks. I now have to change my plans for my days off with Dd3 to babysit her.

I wouldn't mind except that for the last few months Dsd9 has become rude and sulky towards me and appears to be turning into a mini-wife whenever Dp is around.

She is currently sat on the sofa, refusing to get dressed or have breakfast, and occasionally throwing me some majorshiteye because I have had the audacity to speak to her.

ExW has cottoned on to the fact that I don't work Thursdayor Friday and last week I was minding her again as ExW had a party

I agree with Xalla says make sure your P know before bed that you will carryout what you said earlier unless his behaviour changes.

Well done op - sounds like your 'd'p got what was coming to him. Have you been in to ask him yet who he is going to get to look after dsd tomorrow as he obviously doesn't think you can or want you to?

What time does he go to work - any chance you can be up and out before he goes so he has no option but to sort something out?

Id also make sure that you told your dsd when your dp is there, that when she is with you by herself she can be lovely and you enjoy spending family time with her and your other dc but when you have been left in loco parentis you are there to parent and not to be a friend. And as such you will parent exactly as you would one of your own children, particularly when she doesn't behave, double when her misbehaviour affects other people. and that you will not stand for it when she exaggerates or lies or manipulates situations with dp either as she has done this evening. Finish by saying that you are happy to look after the 'nice' dsd again so long as it has been agreed by you in advance and she is not dumped on you again by her parents taking advantage of you - albeit that is their bad habit and not her.

That way you are telling her that you know she can be lovely and that you think she can be lovely again but have the telling off and facing tricky truths bit in the middle. But she and dh have to accept that they have both behaved badly towards you this evening.

And also dp will see how serious you are about this and having to look for alternative childcare will make him realise this. However if he is struggling moneywort I can see how this makes the problem so much worse (and makes you the free option all the more appealing).

I also agree with Xalla.

And if you're deemed appropriate to be a child minder, then you should also be allowed the authority for reasonable discipline. You can't babysit on any other basis.

It's rather like telling a teacher she has no authority in the classroom. It's just ridiculous.

Please update us when you get chance.

And HAS he done anything about getting alternative care for her tomorrow? Because he bloody well needs to with that show of stupid behaviour!

I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship OP. You are being taken for granted and DP is being the worst kind of Disney Dad. Things will only get worse as DSD realises what she can get away with, right now she is just being a kid and pushing the boundaries, but it will get worse when she hits the terrible teens and her father is still disneying. She is being failed by her parents, and you will suffer the brunt of it.

Whatever you do, do NOT look after DSD today, even if it means you have to get out of the house early. If you do you will be setting yourself up for serious hurt.

Seriously? So it's ok for for you to look after his DD without being asked and with virtually no notice but it's not ok for you to ask her not to do something?

I wouldn't blame you for not looking after her today. This isn't her fault, she is a child, but he is a grown man who is behaving like a sulky teenager. Let him sort out his own childcare arrangements from now on. Clearly, in his mind, you are not up to the job. And while he is about it he can tell everyone else in his DD's life that they can't ever tell her off, teachers, family, friends etc. That will do her the world of good.

I intrigued to find out what has happened today- are you looking after her OP?

How dare he call you a 'f*cking bitch' but expect you to look after his child nonetheless and let her do exactly what she wants in the process, thus demoting you to some sort of lackey .... and an unpaid one at that.

Worse, 'f*cking bitch' is pretty damn low - it's a vile thing to say, and astonishingly so just because you had the temerity to voice an opinion and exercise a tiny bit of discipline in the most casual way.

I really hope, that to add insult to injury, he didn't do this in front of or loud enough for SD to hear - because that'd put the final nail in the coffin wouldn't it ? ..... reinforcing what this child already appears to think, that you are the lowest of the low, and it's okay to ignore you when she wants and treat you with contempt (because that's what she sees her dad do).

Hope you're okay this morning - and far away from the twat and his daughter. No doubt you have lots running through your head and are probably wondering where you go from here.

Any update, OP?

This is totally unreasonable. Stepmothers are not emergency on call childcare. You have to say no.

update I've had no phone as DP actually threw it whilst we were arguing, so no mumsnet! I could have been more tactful, but decided sod it and told him all my grievance.

dp was, as expected, very defensive of his daughter but, once he called down he actually apologized. By the end of the weekend he admitted that he was blinkered when it came to Dsd9 and now I had said how I feel he does think Dsd9 can be manipulative when he is around. Dp has been a lot more hands on with Dsd9, for her last day, and it has made a huge difference.

I guess we will see how it goes this weekend....?

He threw your phone at the wall and has called you a f*cking bitch. He treats you like a skivvy glorified babysitter.

Please enlighten me as to why you needed to be more tactful? Unless you were throwing things and screaming obscenities at him he has no right to behave like that. Don't make excuses for him! Even if you did behave equally as bad he should not have 'joined in' but I doubt you acted like that.

OP you are not in a healthy relationship and if those things happened to me (and they have) I would be very frightened!

This makes me really angry. Sure, as a couple you do things for each other. And if you have kids then it's acceptable to do favours (ie. my partner is in with DD while I go to the gym after putting her to bed on a Thursday - I do things for his DD, who is older and doesn't need caring for as such, ie. making her dinner, helping her with homework etc.) but what this guy is asking fro from OP doesn't seem to be being reciprocated...

Him and his ex wife have a free babysitter. It actually makes my blood boil to be honest.

Dsd9 can be manipulative when he is around

Yet again, another child who is at fault - not your pathetic excuse for a partner. Perhaps you could encourage your DP to parent his child properly then you might not have any issues, alternatively you can continue as you both are and blame your DSD.

Pinkbraces - 9 year olds can be manipulative. It doesn't mean it is their fault. It is often learned behaviour. But dad's still need to see it.
It isn't OP's responsibility to correct it, Dad should be doing that. And she doesn't have to put up with it. I don't personally think this one will put it right. He'll just come up with weak little games to keep everyone bobbing along as happily as possible with minimal confrontation because that's what these types of father's/ husbands are like.

So often I wonder what on earth these kids are going to be like as adults.

pinkbraces How is calling a child manipulative finding fault?

DCs have lots of behaviours; enthusiastic, subdued, anxious, noisy, quiet, studious, manipulative - these words all describe behaviour, they are not accusations!

You may choose to place a positive value on some behaviours and negative value on others, but that is incredibly subjective. My ex and and view my DDs behaviours very differently - her confidence he considers a negative, whereas I see it as a positive!
Similarly, the ability to take advantage of and manipulate a situation is one that many people consider an asset

I have a 7 year old DSD who can be extremely manipulative!! Actually she got in trouble at school yesterday for cheating on a spelling test! And she's very skilled at playing her parents off against one another. Why wouldn't she be? It's easy when the two adults involved are coming blows!

She has tried to play my husband and I off against each other several times but fortunately for me, we're generally on the same page and she doesn't get away with it.

OP is not being backed up by her DP and her DSD is understandably exploiting that. It's not the DSD's fault. It's the DP's.

At least you finally got it 'out there' and he apologised.

Not that it's the major issue here but why are you paying for everything??

9 year old DD's can be a handful anyway, but 9 year old DSD's with no boundaries...

You definitely need to sort out the whole relationship dynamic. Either you are parent number 2 3 or you aren't - he can't have his cake and eat it too... and when his DD is here he doesn't get to fuck off out as and when he pleases - dropping her and going to the gym - ha fucking ha that would stop - immediately.

Cuddling up to her while she smirks at you and he ignores you... it had better have been a bloody good apology and things would have to be A LOT better this weekend for me to not still be considering ending it.

DSD9 has taken it to a whole new level

So we rolled round to the usual access weekend with Dsd9. DP informed me, just as I was taking dinner out of the oven, that Dsd9 had asked her mum for supernoodles and had eaten them in the car. 'That's ok', I say. I'm a bit miffed as my Dc's had requested paella, but knowing Dsd9 does not like anything 'forrin', (according to her mum), I had plumped for a roast chicken dinner. Dsd9 then decides half way through that she does want some, cries as there probably isn't any left and asks DP if she can eat off his plate. No problem, I figured you would want some so made extra. Dsd9 eats half and spits...yes spits...the rest on the floor. This is NOT the first time this has happened. DP ignores it. I ask Dsd9 to clean it up and am rewarded with yet another dirty look. DP finally sensing I am about to blow asks Dsd9 to clean it up, which she does whilst sulking.

I bought Dsd9 an SD card for her mobile, which she then snatched off me and ran to DP to fit. When DP asked if she had said thank you, I got a shrug of the shoulders and another dirty look. Hmmmm, I'm thinking Dsd9 must be perfecting these in her bedroom at home.

Anyway, I thought I would treat everyone to ice-skating. DP and Dd3 were just going to watch, whilst Dsd9, Ds14 and myself went on the ice. We never got there.

Ds14 was sick in the car so we had to go back, he spent the rest of the day ill in bed.

Dsd9, instead of her usual dirty look as I had, 'ruined her day', decided to kick me instead. She must have seen my adult version of a dirty look as she ran screaming to DP that I was going to get her.

Yes, I did scream 'what the fck is wrong with you', and yes she probably did think 'oh sit, I've gone too far'.

Dsd9 spent the rest of the day sobbing about how she was only playing a joke on me and how I'm soooo horrible to her.

DP seemed more concerned at what she would tell ExW, than anything else.

I have decided that, for my own sanity I am going to detach, detach, detach and unless it directly affects myself or my Dc's I am going to let DP build a rod for his own back, where Dsd9 is concerned.

Dd3 has started smacking DP when Dsd9 is here because this is what Dsd9 does when she doesn't get her own way.

Thankfully I have got 2 glorious weeks of a happy home before we're back in the thick of it again.

Please note

I am sure that other stepmums will identify with DP's behaviour when Dsd9 is around.

When Dsd9 is not with us, DP is a completely different person. He step -parents my own Dcs fantastically and we are on the same firm but fair page.

I do lose respect for him when Dsd9 is here as he is so terrified that Dsd9 will want to go home, (she says this if not allowed her own way, and I can see that it breaks DPs heart), or worse she will report back to ExW.

Whilst most of us in seperated relationships know that Dcs will play both parents off against eachother and most things should be taken with a pinch of salt, DP and ExW use these things as ammo. I believe that Dsd9 has picked up on this and is very much exploiting it.

I have tried to explain to DP that if he does not start 'parenting' Dsd9 instead of trying to be her best mate and the coolest dad in the world, she will only get worse in her behaviour towards me, my Dcs and himself.

I am not going to give up on DP or Dsd9, I may be detaching myself, as I am sick of playing bad cop all the time, but when DP feels less 'scared' of his daughter and more able to be the parent I know he can be, I will back him up 100%. Guess it's babysteps for now.

I have decided that, for my own sanity I am going to detach, detach, detach and unless it directly affects myself or my Dc's I am going to let DP build a rod for his own back, where Dsd9 is concerned

I agree, and think you have no choice.

But.

I think that letting DP 'disney' his daughter is actually going to cause more problems in the long term.

Was she punished for kicking you? There is no WAY I would allow that, from DD or DSD. I would have SENT her home - you do not deserve to be 'assaulted' in your own home (OK, that may be an overreaction on my part, but that is the tack I would have taken with my DP/H)

TBH entersandmum, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship. I don't think your DP values or respects you in any way. He is too scared to discipline his DD in case she goes home to her mum, but doesn't make the effort to be with her when she is about.

I honestly think this is a situation that is going to get worse, not better and I wonder if you would be better off out of it in entirety.

Sorry, I do feel for you. This is shit.

LtEveDallas

The problem with reconsidering the relationship is that DP does have it in him. He is fantastic with both my Dcs. I imagine having 2 stepkids at the most trying ages of toddler and teen would be a lot for anyone to take in.

He is very close with Dd3, who probably listens to him more than me, and has a positive male influence on Ds14, who does not see his own father.

This is probably why it is so frustrating for me to see how he is around Dsd9.

It's also frustrating to see how Dsd9 speaks to both her mum and her dad, (I have actually told her to ring her mum back and apologise once, when I heard her screaming at ExW and then put the phone down on her because yet when we are alone together she is absolutely fine. She does have the odd moment but this is normal for her age and is quickly dispelled by distraction or a word on my part.

TBH, I am pretty frustrated by myself, this behaviour has escalated over the last few months and although I have said some things to DP, I have not directly said how much it affects me and Dcs until recently.

I am just at that point where I'm absolutely flummoxed at what to do that will benefit everyone in the long-run

Right stop sulking and search 9yearolds of both sexes on here lots of threads on stroppy 9yearolds (they excel at horrid) and order a copy of how to talk so kids/ teens will listen.

If DP and Ex expect you to have girl to look after you need to stop pussyfooting around and parent her.

If you don't she will only get worse.

Also nice 9 year olds are a thousand times better company than toddlers, regardless of biological parents.

LtEveDallas No Dsd9 was not punished. She told DP she was only joking around, but it was a full on kick and it bloody hurt.

I would not have suggested sending her home though as this re-enforces what Dsd9 says when she is not pleased.

I would have sent her to her room. Instead DP spent nearly an hour with her sobbing, just incase she told ExW that I was really peed off with her.

Should point out that ExW does also have an alternate reason. Since DP has been with me and eating healthily not going to the chinese every night the gym has paid off and ExW has been openly flirting and asking if they are getting back together. They have been apart 4yrs and DP has been with me for nearly 2.

Probably explains why Dsd9 is so negative towrds me when DP is around?

Startail Maybe you have not read my posts correctly. I do have a Ds14, so I know all about sulkiness, manipulation and the dreaded hormones.

Dsd9 behaves like any other 9yr old when with me but turns into an absolute nightmare when DP is around.

As a step parent it's not like having your own child you can mould...this one is pre-programmed and you are not the one with the controls.

If I upset Dsd9, DPs sense of fatherly protection kicks in and I'm the bad one, but DP is so scared of upsetting his own child that it is like throwing a live grenade into a room and watching everyone toss it to someone else.

Probably a bad example there. Well deserved of a flaming!