Coming 2nd best - not only to the SKids but also to their girlfriends!!

[ChocOrangeandPuke]

It's Dss's 16th birthday at the weekend. DP asked me if I fancied going to another town with him and his two sons to celebrate (cool resteraunt). I said yes - assuming he meant my sons too. But no, apparantly there won't be room in the car for my kids as DS1 (not his birthday) wants to take his girlfriend.

This happens a lot. It happened with a car show a few months back. We'd arranged to go (me, my ds and his two ds's) and then all of a sudden we arrived at a "car issue" as DSS's girlfriend was now coming. Not once does it occur to DP to get rid of the girlfriend out of the equation so that there is room in the car for me and my kids - it always comes down to getting rid of me or my kids to make room for the girlfriend.

I know at 18 first girlfriend is a massive deal and of course they want to be together 24/7 but surely as a family we fill the car first and anyone else can come along if there is room??

I'm getting totally sick of being pushed out of things because of his girlfriend (who is a lovely girl btw, that isn't the issue).

That isn't fair - especially for the birthday meal. Your son is more part of the family than DSS's girlfriend.
Not sure what you can do about it though I'm afraid (other than buy a bigger car which we had to do to fit all 4 of our kids in!)

How old are your sons? If they are living with you and a similar age to DSS then I would say it is completely wrong that they are left out. If they are grown up and have left home, or are very young then I can understand that a girlfriend would be invited instead.

My sons are only 12 and 14. DSS is 17 and his girlfriend is 19. They've only been together a few months.

is there only one car?

is it a normal 5 seater becasue if so then there wont be room for you + do + his two sons + your two sons anyway.

couldn't you all just book an 8 seater taxi?

and do you live with DP?

No my eldest never wants to go anyway, it would just be my youngest son.

We do live together yes and we can't afford a taxi to take us that far, it would cost almost £100 just to get there! I just think as part of the so called 'family' ds and I should come before the girlfriend.

Mmm - at 12 & 14 I would say they should have been first on the list. I would say that dss should be told that if he wants to bring his girlfriend then he must organise transport for him & her. That doesn't address the real issue though does it? Your kids have been left out, you feel like you are not being treated like part of the family and this has happened before.

If you live with your DP then I think this is unacceptable and you need to sit down and resolve this as your DP appears to think this is OK. If you don't live together then this is slightly different as you are not living as a family so things may not be organised in the same way.

Oops - cross-posted.

If you are living together then you and your sons should definately have been invited first.

But by the same token I don't think your eldest son should be given the choice to opt out of a family celebration either. I don't think your complaint carries as much weight if you say your sons should be included and then one of them says he isn't interested! It is adding to the feeling of division if it's a family meal and your eldest son doesn't want to go.

yes i think it should have been assumed that your dses would be going and the GF's should have been told they were welcome to come but their ifts would be their own responsibility.

although maybe the fact that your eldest never wants to come made DP think they both wouldnt?

I agree with both the posts GlassCompletelyBroken has written. If there's going to be a "family" event then that should include all the family first and foremost - and if transportation is an issue, then "extras" like girlfriends, or even just friends should come second. That doesn't necessarily mean excluding them altogether - but accepting that if alternative transport can't be arranged and something has to "give" then that needs to be people outside the immediate family however much "in love" SS thinks he is! Alternatively, in order to include everyone you arrange a celebration closer to home within easier travelling distance - so public transport can be used, or even people taken down in relays.

I get that that's not the point though - it's your DP's automatic assumption that your sons are first out the door. He should be looking at ways to include everyone - not taking for granted that they'll be okay to be left out. Okay - I'm a bit on the fence about the 14 year old ..... I think at that age he shouldn't be allowed to opt out of family celebrations for the most part either, but then again, that's the age at which many teenagers start to assert some independence and if he's not especially close to his stepbrother then maybe it's better he doesn't go (and perhaps sit there pouting ?) unless it's a "significant" birthday which is when I'd feel more inclined to put my foot down. However, it's one thing to choose not to go, and another to get no choice in the matter as has happened for your younger son. Obviously, I don't know your background, how long you've been together etc but if, as you say, this "happens a lot" maybe your 14 year old has decided to pre-empt being excluded by "never wanting to come anyway" as it's less hurtful to pretend not to be bothered IYSWIM ?

I presume you wouldn't be very happy to leave your 12 year old at home ? .... both because maybe you think he's too young to be left for any length of time and also because it'd hurtful to go out for a fancy meal that he misses out on. So I'm guessing that in effect you too end up being left out as you quite understandably wouldn't want to go along while your son sits at home feeling shunned. In the end, as you say, your DP's attitude does seem to be that he and his sons, plus their girlfriends are higher up in the pecking order - or else he'd be seeking solutions to this rather than shrugging and saying this is how it is. Sometimes if it's inaffordable for the whole family to do something then the only fair option is to ditch that idea and do something different instead. Does he not imagine that you and your son have feelings ?

I personally think this is a big thing when you live together. Your DP seems to think creating a 2 tier family with 1st class and 2nd class divisions is acceptable - I wouldn't stand for it. Okay you can't magic a bigger car out of thin air but that's "only" a practical issue - it's the attitude which is the problem.

I wouldn't stand for that either. I'd be really hurt on behalf of my DS. Your DP is treating you as his DP, and part of his family, but not your DSs.

Either go out somewhere nearer home, leave the GF behind, or invite some other people with a car and at least one space (GF's family?).

Can't the 19 yo girlfriend get herself there?