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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Worried about DSD but no one will listen! Help please

18 replies

WakeyCakey · 18/03/2013 20:04

I wasn't sure whether or not to post, I am a regular.

I have been watching DSD recently and am getting very worried about her size.
She is 12 and in year 7. She has always been very fussy about food, to the extent where she will often go hungry.

DSD has told me that she doesn't eat lunch at school. She is 4 foot 7 and only 4 stone so tiny!
She is also very image conscious, I found out on Saturday morning that she went to her school disco the night before commando as she didn't want her pants showing under her dress.

DP isn't worried as he was a rake at her age and her mum doesn't like to believe her daughter isn't perfect and so won't look into it.
Before anyone says I am not trying to meddle just am genuinely concerned about a little girl that I love.

Can anyone give me any reassurance that this is normal for her age and I'm overreacting or is it something I should be pushing with DP

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catsmother · 18/03/2013 20:31

Well, I just put those details into the NHS Choices BMI chart for children and it came up with her being underweight and in the 1st centile for that age.

I think I'd be concerned too - especially if in addition to her weight she has particular concerns about image.

See here: www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Healthyweightcalculator.aspx

Original poster

WakeyCakey · 18/03/2013 20:38

She is never going to be massive, I just wan. Her to be healthy, you can see all her bones And it scares me.
I was a tiny child but I ate whatever was given to me, trouble is she is just too fussy, if we force her she goes to her mums and her step dad makes her whatever she wants!!

I can't talk to her too much about it because I don't want her to get a complex about it! When her friends were round on Saturday it really brought it home how skinny she is but DP won't listen and isn't worried.

MIL is the only one who shares my concern!

OP posts:

xxDebstarxx · 18/03/2013 21:01

Are there any foods she really enjoys? Does she just pick at things? Could you do her a box of healthy snacks that she can pick at throughout the day rather than eating meals?

Original poster

WakeyCakey · 18/03/2013 21:59

No she changes what she likes week by week, all of a sudden she will HATE something that she has always liked, last week it was chicken!

She won't eat rice/pasta/potatoes. Or veg, only really red apples no other fruit apart from strawberries.
Eats chocolate like its going out if fashion and already has 6 fillings because of how much sugar she eats!
We've had problems with her getting stroppy and hating things for a while now, someone on here suggested to me before that Sh was unhappy and I brushed it off but I'm starting to think it must be the case.

I know she is self conscious because all her friends are developing but she has the body of a much younger child, she stuffs her top with socks when she leaves the house for school and I'm just worried she will start doing drastic things to get the body she wants!

OP posts:

xxDebstarxx · 19/03/2013 08:05

What sort of relationship do you have with her? I mean, is it one where you can have a chat and discuss your concerns with her. If you can I'd say lay it on the line. Tell her you are worried about her not eating so would like to come up with a menu with her so she has some input in what she is having. Certainly make sure you have a stock of red apples and occasionally strawberries too if those are things she will snack on.

If she won't talk to you will she talk to your MIL?

She may not be unhappy but she certainly is self conscious and lacks confidence from what you've described.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 19/03/2013 08:13

Are there any affects from it so far?

If she is always cold, lethargic, tired etc then I think it's time to have a serious talk with your dp as that's proof that she's not healthy and that he needs to wake up and deal with it :(

Original poster

WakeyCakey · 19/03/2013 08:14

We have a great relationship really, I don't mother her, I've always felt she had a mum and so only really needed a friend in me.
I always make sure that if there is something she likes then I have it.
Only problem is that when we made a menu before she put things on it like Ben and jerrys ice cream and fillet steak!!!

DP doesn't think I should talk to her about it as he doesn't think she has a problem and thinks she'll react badly to it as if its criticism, just a bit torn

OP posts:

Pinkshaman · 19/03/2013 08:23

I had this with dsd. Have you talked to her mum about it? She might already be tackling it and have some suggestions about what works at her end.

I just used to have in as much healthy food as she would eat and didn't make an issue of it. Dsd has grown into a healthy size 10/12 and is gorgeous but boy was she bony as a young girl!

Original poster

WakeyCakey · 19/03/2013 08:25

I haven't spoken to her mum about it but I have spoken to DSD's older sister (her mums from a previous marriage so not my DP's)
She is keeping an eye out but she encourages her to wear more makeup/less clothes so I struggle finding enough common ground with her.

I think I may ask MIL to come round and talk to me About it and then maybe we can take her out on a girls day and broach it then

OP posts:

xxDebstarxx · 19/03/2013 08:27

I'm glad you have a great relationship It's a shame her dad doesn't want you to talk to her. How does she react normally when you talk about things she doesn't like hearing?

Pinkshaman · 19/03/2013 08:31

I have to say I'd be furious if dd's stepmum did something like this without talking to me. And talked about it to dd's sister. Be careful that you aren't going to overstep. How do you know that she isn't bothered about it?

Original poster

WakeyCakey · 19/03/2013 08:44

Pinkshaman I did say in my OP that I wasn't planning on meddling.
Her sister and I have spoken about it quite a few times, she is a mum herself and doesn't think that I'm overstepping at all. She has told me that her mum isn't worried.

I'd like to point out that we have DSD 50/50 and live very close (2min walk) so we see her a lot and I have been in her life for years now. I don't plan on doing anything drastic, just altering what she eats when I'm cooking

OP posts:

Pinkshaman · 19/03/2013 09:02

Ok well you know your situation best. I just think that you may actually have a great ally in her mum and it just seems odd to me that you are talking to everyone bar her.

xxDebstarxx · 19/03/2013 11:55

I think it's lovely that you care enough to want to address the issue. Talking to your MIL is a good idea. I hope you can work something out!

Original poster

WakeyCakey · 19/03/2013 12:04

I have tried to talk to get mum in the past. We previously had a good relationship and got on well and found it easy to talk about DSD however recently she has been very difficult to the point where she has said that she wants no communication from me regardless of what it is about.

I am asking DP to bring it up with her so I'm not keeping her in the dark but I'd love to think that she herself has noticed the problem Bd is doing something about it

OP posts:

Pinkshaman · 19/03/2013 13:14

I think that's a great idea that your dp speaks with her. My own experience was that dsd was telling us that she wouldn't eat all sorts of things that she would eat at her mum's. And I wouldn't be surprised if dd tells her Dad and stepmum the same when she goes there. If they can agree a way of dealing with this together then if there is an issue your dsd will benefit from everyone singing from the same hymn sheet. What dsd was always able to do was play us off against each other because she knew that her mum would never discuss things with us.

I know that their Dad's new girlfriend has discussed things with dsd (who lives with me) because of things dsd has said, and I think the gf may be under the impression that amongst dd won't eat any vegetables for me but will for them, that I don't make her and that she doesn't have to lift a finger when she's with me. It couldn't be further from the truth!

I would just be very careful that by discussing things with her sister and MIL you may alienate her mum further and that's the last thing you want really if her and your dp are co-parenting.

FrauMoose · 19/03/2013 15:28

To me it sounds as if childhood fussiness is morphing into something very like an eating disorder. (Many girls are hitting puberty around that age.) I sometimes wonder if step-parents - perhaps by being slightly more detached - do sometimes see things that biological parents may not immediately pick up on.

Another route that might be helpful - especially if the mother doesn't feel there is any cause for concern - is for your partner to flag it up with the school. Most secondary schools do keep an eye open for girls who are thin to the point of unhealthiness and can access support, counselling etc when this is required.

Original poster

WakeyCakey · 08/04/2013 19:36

Just posting an update.
DSD's half sister spoke to her mum yesterday about DSD's eating as she has had her for a few days in the holidays.
Her mum brushed the comments off saying there is nothing wrong with her and she is just looking out for her figure.

To show how little it has got to, on Saturday she had a happy meal with her sister, ate one chicken nugget and 3 chips and said she was full, she got asked to eat more but was sneaking her food to her toddler nephew under the table.

DSD's sister said that her mum won't be of any help to us but that she herself will support me in any way needed to encourage DSD to eat more.
She has lost weight over Easter.
DP is coming round to our way of thinking.

Would you all think it would be a good idea for DP to talk to the school without consulting his ex again.

OP posts:

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