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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

would you expect to be invited to your DSC's nativity play?

50 replies

madonnawhore · 19/12/2012 17:13

Because I wasn't. And I feel a bit miffed about it as I've been quite involved in practising lines, sorting costume etc. Not sure if I'm BU to feel miffed though. What do you think?

OP posts:

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EMS23 · 21/12/2012 07:16

Bonsoir do you think that without exception? Is it ever a stepmothers place in your opinion?

Bonsoir · 21/12/2012 07:18

I think that there are exceptions to everything in life. But, generally speaking, if a child has two biological parents in his/her life, there is absolutely no need for a stepparent to show up at school unless that stepparent is performing a function that a bio parent cannot. Attending a nativity play is not one of those functions.

Bonsoir · 21/12/2012 07:20

As a stepmother, I do all sorts of helping out at home behind the scenes but it is for my DSSs' mother to perform public functions.

AnitaBlake · 21/12/2012 07:24

I didn't expect to be tbh, and I wasn't. DSDs mum hates me with a vengeance, and I wouldn't want a scene to be caused. Its a shame because DSD would love me to go.

EMS23 · 21/12/2012 07:34

Bonsoir, I don't think I agree with you. Not that it matters of course but I asked you the question so only fair I should respond.
I think my DH would be hurt if I chose to withdraw from certain aspects of my DSS's life.

And on that reasoning, wouldn't that mean Auntys, Uncles, Grandparents etc shouldn't go either?

Bonsoir · 21/12/2012 07:41

I don't think it's a case of "withdrawing from your DSCs' life". I think that the boundaries of stepparenting are quite different to the boundaries of parenting and that, as much as possible, children ought to see their biological parents perform the public parenting role.

eslteacher · 21/12/2012 07:45

In the situation you describe, I think I'd feel hurt that it was just assumed I wouldn't be going and not even discussed or acknowledged that I might like to go.

If there were limited tickets and it came down to DP's DM or me, I'd defer to her.

If there were unlimited tickets, I'd be disappointed not to be asked.

But...have you met the ex before? If not, I don't think the first meeting should neccessarily be at school, its a bit intense. Same if any previous meetings didnt go well...

Bonsoir · 21/12/2012 07:52

As a stepmother, it is best not to be hurt by anything minor to do with your DSCs! A thick skin is very useful.

EMS23 · 21/12/2012 07:59

Bonsoir, I see your point and agree that children should have both biological parents. I wouldn't dream of taking mum or dads place but if they can both be there, what's wrong with stepmum and stepdad coming too?
So not in place of but alongside.

And I 100% agree about the thick skin!

Bonsoir · 21/12/2012 08:02

Personally, I stay out of the public sphere and let my DSSs' biological mother perform that role. I don't feel the need to prove my worth to anyone and my DSSs, who are 15 and 17, have had me in their life for many years now and know that they can count on me for the nitty-gritty of life (far more than they can count on their mother)! And that is far more important to me than a public role.

UC · 21/12/2012 09:37

Surely it depends on the relationships. I went to DSC's nativity with DP's ExW. We sat next to eachother.

NotaDisneyMum · 21/12/2012 09:50

I'm not sure that attending school plays and the like is considered a public parenting function by everyone, though.

I don't give a damn about who else sees me, or knows who I am, but it is important that I offer the DSC support if they need/want it. That is why I have been to DSC events in the past - because I'm supporting them - not to display my role in a public place!

Bonsoir · 21/12/2012 09:57

I don't see it as supportive to publicly display myself as their stepmother. Supportive is a behind-the-scenes function in my book.

Aspiemum2 · 21/12/2012 10:01

Bonsoir I think you'll find that nobody at these functions gives a rats arse who you are. We go to watch our dc's, not ponder the family dynamics of their peers.
I'm pretty sure that my dc's stepmum went to enjoy the show and not to publicly announce her role!!

Bonsoir · 21/12/2012 10:06

I disagree!

UC · 21/12/2012 10:43

I don't really get where you're coming from either Bonsoir. My DSs and DSSs are lucky to have 4 adult role models in their lives - their DF, DSM, me and their DSF. Sometimes we are all at public functions together. All 4 of the children are at the same school, we often have a chat all 4 of us on parents' evenings. I think it's a good thing, and none of our kids will ever worry that their parents and step parents can't be in the same room - so no stress when they graduate/get married. My DSSs would be disappointed if I didn't go to things they were doing. All the kids just want us all to be proud of them. I would agree with you if it was a case of the SM taking a ticket instead of the DM.

Each to their own I suppose. If it works for you, then that's great.

NotaDisneyMum · 21/12/2012 10:50

bonsoir unless you know all SM personally, you can't possibly know what their motivation is .

you've made it clear that you consider that being seen in public with your DSC is nothing more than a PR stunt and you would prefer not to do that.

it's just not possible for you to know that all SM think the same way as you do - and really, what are the odds that they do?

EMS23 · 21/12/2012 10:57

Hmm, I don't think I've ever seen my attendance at something as 'publicly announcing my role' but I do recognise that in some families these dynamics can come into play.

2blessed2bstressed · 21/12/2012 11:00

I've been to them all, because my dcs and sdcs attend same schools, and are in same year groups! I'm there with dp, and sdcs mum is there with (usually) her parents - her dh doesn't take time off work, but I have no idea if that's through choice, I do know that dp wouldn't give a hoot if he was there though

Original poster

madonnawhore · 21/12/2012 13:40

I think it's a mixture of what riverboat said about me feeling a bit hurt about the assumption that I just wouldn't come. And what another poster upthread (forgot your name, sorry) said about DP simply not realising I might have wanted to be there.

In the end DP went with his DM and his ex went with her DM. So DSD's mum, dad and both grannies were there. Which is enough adults for just one child I reckon. If I'd have gone then one of the grannies wouldn't have been able to go and then it would've got a bit political. So I think DP just did an ostrich impression and didn't bring it up with me in case I said I wanted to go and then he'd have to either tell me no, or stand one of the grannies down.

I do sympathise with his predicament. Still feel a bit hurt though.

OP posts:

ProbablyJustGas · 21/12/2012 14:13

I went to DSD's nativity play this year. So did her mum's partner. Mum, her DP and her family went to the morning performance, DH and I and his family went to the evening one. Shockingly, no one killed each other. Even more shockingly, both DH and his ex appear to be reasonably secure human beings, who do not wrap their entire identity as parents around who shows up to see some kids sing about the baby Jesus.

It was unlimited tickets, though. If it was limited to two tickets and one performance, obviously mum would have gone and not me. But yeah, I did expect to go in the event of unlimited tickets, and I'm pretty sure DSD's effective stepdad expected a seat too. We're too involved at this point; DSD would be butt-hurt if either one of us begged off these things just because.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2012 14:21

Well I expect it depends on how many tickets per child. I'm not a step parent but wouldn't expect automatically to be invited to a DSC's play. I don't expect you'd have wanted to sit next to your DP's ex in any case. I can see why your disappointed at not seeing the play but I don't think in the circumstances it was an unreasonable choice for them to make.

allnewtaketwo · 21/12/2012 14:35

Lol at public display of role.

When u go to my own son's play, it's absolutely nothing to do with anything public, but solely to enjoy his performance and most importantly to see his little face light up to see me there because little children just love to have their family there watching them. It has nothing whatsoever to do with displaying my status

Aspiemum2 · 21/12/2012 17:19

That's exactly it allnew, their little faces do light up when they see their parents and it puts a little extra into their performance. How sad to be so self involved as to think anything else is relevant

HKnight · 24/12/2012 10:06

DH asked DSS10 if he minded me going to see his xmas concert. DSS said ok for me to go and DH arranged tickets. I think DH wanted me to be there more than i did. TBH i am probably a bit like Bonsoir I dont really see it at as my place to be there so dont place any emotional attachment to it.

I dont really know what is the right way to step-parent a child but DSS and I seem to be doing ok. I figured out a long time ago that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach so i just do all the cooking and stay in the background a bit when hes here. Im concious of not trying to force things. i

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