My daughter still wants to see her ex's 2 year old

[RockinLollie]

I need advice on what to tell my 20 year old daughter what to do. She has just left her boyfriend who has a 2 year old daughter. She is adamant that she is not going back to him, but she told me that she is still going to see his daughter that he has at weekends.

I feel that she should cut all ties and try to get over it. They are close but at two i think the little girl will forget her more easily, than dragging it out until she is 3 or 4.

I agree... but I'd also leave her too it.

Yes I did bite my tongue when she was telling me about seeing her! I can just see more heartache in the future than is needed.

We had a similar situation with son wanting to see ex girlfriends son. We told him it wasn't fair on the child and would confuse the situation so he stayed away and she's happily married to someone else now.

Married step-parents do have the right to apply for contact with a DSC - and the court will decide if its in the DCs interests.
But I'm guessing that your daughter wasn't in the DCs life for more than a year or so?

Probably best to let it go - but I agree it is up to her, all you can do is support her to deal with the range of conflicting emotions that she must be feeling

I'd let it go. Dss kept in contact with his mum's ex when they split up and now he's 12 it's a very odd situation, but the ex has been in his life too long now to let go. So he now has a dad, step dad, ex 'step dad' (who he's always been encouraged to call dad even after the split) and a step mum, not to mention half siblings, step siblings, and whatever the ex's kids are to him. It's very confusing and he finds all the different expectations and homes difficult to cope with. The ex is also very competitive with dss's real dad (dh) and step dad to try to be dss's favourite and keep involved, so tries to 'buy' him. So what I'm trying to say is, it would be normal for your dd to see her step son now, but in a few years it may become strange and complicated and by then it's too late to back out.

If her ex is OK about it, I don't see why she shouldn't keep in touch. Presumably she's fond of the little girl, and probably vice versa. There's no reason to suddenly go from seeing her everyweekend to completely vanishing from her life. She could take a bit of a step away from being like a parent to her, but still see her sometimes. A friend of mine split up from a BF who kept in touch with her son for many years afterwards - a bit like an extra uncle or godparent.

If your DD's ex is against the idea, then that's completly different. Almost certainly counter-productive to start fighting though courts, or exposing the child to hostilities between them.

I think it depends on lots of things - how long has she known this child/ How close are they? It's one of those contradictions of step-parenting - we must love them and treat them as our own but be happy to never see them again if we split from their dad.

I have been with DH for 6 years but if anything happened to DH I know I would never see them again.

I think she needs to step back and just see her occasionally if she still wants to keep in touch, if shes young shes just going to get confused. If thats true about stepparents having rights to see the exs child after they split...well i find that quite outrageous!

You find it outrageous that someone who has loved and cared for children as their own should be cut off from them against their wishes and possibly the wishes of the children because they have split with their partner?

I am not anticipating splitting from DH but if he died I know his ex would not let me see the kids anymore. Step-parents have the work, the responsibility, the financial burden and the expectation that they will love and care for these kids as if they were their own but they have NO rights at all and it can all be taken away in spite by a bitter ex at any moment.

glass The Childrens Act does give step-parents some "rights" in terms of their DSC maintaining contact with them.

A married step-parent can apply for a contact order in relation to any "child of the family" - which includes DSC who regularly spend time with a NRP parent and spouse.
An unmarried step-parent can apply for contact with any child that they have lived with for over two years - but this generally doesn't include non-resident steps as far as I know

It is one of the reasons couples marry when there are step-children involved, as far as I can tell!

Thanks for all the replies. I hav'nt brought the subject up again with her, I am going to see what happens. Unfortunatly I think her ex will stop her seeing the girl when he realizes she won't get back with him. Alot of heartache all round :(

I hate the idea of parents having rights. Responsibilities yes but rights. It seems to me that's where the problems start. I think it's lovely that she wants to stay in touch and hope she can. If the child was older, she might ask to see your daughter but a two year old is likely to forget.