My kids really don't like their stepmum

[Kerryblue]

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun.

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

No it's not thanks.

But my kids are unhappy.

Or can't you read properly?

Just bumping for you OP - no experience or advice but wanted you to get some better advice than the spectacularly unhelpful post above

Hi - I have no experience either but I think the only way to deal with it will be to talk to your x. I think I would call him and ask him to come over so you can sit down with him and your DCs and help them tell him. If it is done gently and you do have a good relationship generally he will hopefully be able to take it all on board without feeling like you are attacking her and therefore him.

He is probably oblivious to some of it but not all. And probably goes along with some of it for a quiet life. However if he understands that this will seriously affect his relationship with the DCs he will hopefully be able to tackle it.

Good luck! Not an easy conversation to have.

Thanks Cider.

The problem I have with talking to ex dh is that the children absolutely DO NOT want me to tell him anything, because that may get back to her and then she will be cross/upset. DD doesn't want to upset her at all because it will put her in a 'bad mood'. This is why she is so compliant at their house with the clothes issue, doing loads of chores issue, not wee'ing in the night issue etc etc - because she will do her utmost not to piss her off.

I have tried twice to have conversations with exdh about it. Last summer he just laughed at me. Could not believe they were in any way unhappy and it actually turned into a row (not in front of dc's btw). And to all intents and purposed, I can totally see why he thinks that.

When we are all together, for example at a school show, dd hugs her, holds hands with her, act very happily but otoh will not look at me and is as stiff as a board if I try to cuddle her. I have accepted this is just the way it is, and wait for us to be alone before normal actions resume So all he see's is happiness. Whilst they tell me 'it's all an act'.

That conversation did not end well. It was just before his weekend with them and exdh actually got tearful in the car on the way to his and asked the dc's if they wanted to not go to his. This in turn was upsetting for them, they blamed me for talking to him and I vowed never to get involved again, but instead just to listen to them at home if they needed to off load.

Until February when dd refused to go to his for the weekend because of ? being hit. I felt I actually had to talk to him again and he came over and we talked for 2 hours (I recorded it, just in case it went horrible again). It didn't (and nobody has ever listened to it) and lots of things - I thought - were resolved.

But the damage has been done afaic. And it's going back to how it was before.

Ultimately, they are scared of her. All their actions boil down to keeping her happy.

Aah. Difficult. Until he sees what is happening nothing will change. Does he know they are terrified of her knowing they said anything?

What an awful situation. I suppose what you're asking for is strategies to tell your children to better equip them for dealing with her.

But how horrid when what you must want to do is stamp on her and Fix Everything for your babies :(

Yes, SB I supposed I am.

I try telling them that her behaviour is not normal and encourage them to stand up to her - for eg by just getting dressed (ffs), but they won't.

ds told me last week he doesn't want to come to the May Day Fair thing his school are doing because he will be made to wear 'her' clothes and he will be embarassed.

Would rather not come than challenge her.

I think you're between a rock and a hard place with this one. You don't want to cause trouble with your ex, but you want to make sure your DCs are ok.

I think that your DCs need to talk to their dad. Maybe get a list together of all the things that have upset them and talk it through with him. That way they can talk to him and have something to refer to if they get upset. If nothing improves after that, then you can step in and talk to him. That way, his conversation with you isn't the first he here's of it and you have two goes to try and sort it out.

I feel for you and I'm sure you are trying to do the right thing - not all stepmums are fab :) I am assuming she doesn't have any of her own dcs and maybe her need to "control" .e.g clothes, noise, etc is from a lack of child raising experience. I agree with the others that you do need to speak to your ex - it really does have to come from him - a gentle word in her ear - If it were me I would hate to think they children wouldn't want to come round because of me. x

It sounds a bit odd, but I do think that DCs with two homes have to learn to accept that there are different rules/acceptable behaviours in each home and to abide by them, providing there is no abuse/neglect.

I don't know why your DCs have two separate wardrobes and I think that you could raise this issue with your exH and reach an agreement whereby your DCs only have clothes that they choose (in accordance with their parents).

This is so hard and while I sometimes think kids tell their mums what they think their mum wants to hear, in this case it really does seem as if something is wrong.

Your DC's say they don't want you to talk to your exH about it as it will get back to her and she will be cross - this is classic bullying. If your dc's came home from school and said someone was giving them a hard time but they didn't want you to do anything about it for fear of making it worse would you go along with that?

I think they have talked to you about it because they want you to help. They may be worried about what will happen but they want you to do something.

Talk to your exH again on your own and explain to him what is going on. If he's not prepared to listen tell him he must then be prepared to accept the consequences, which may be that your dc's don't want to visit and may also be that they feel let down by their dad. It may be too hard for them to tell him themselves as they will know it is not what he wants to hear.

I agree with glass.
You really can't let this go on. She sounds like a nasty piece of work (but then anyone who can sleep with a married man with a 7 months pregnant wife is hardly going to be anything else!)
Can't you speak to her direct? Ask her why she won't let them wear their own clothes and tell her you are aware of the way she treats them.

I feel angry for you OP!!!

I wonder if you could tape your children telling you what has been going on and then let exDH listen to it, and that way they don't have to tell him directly but he will still hear it (and also know that you aren't making it up if he hears it straight from them, as it were).

What a difficult situation.

Having been the child in that scenario [although not a dire one like you describe] I can maybe understand why your children are reluctant to speak to their dad themselves [aside from worrying it will get back to her]

When I was a similar age there were things that upset me during the time I was at my Dad and SMs house, I would tell my mum and occasionally she would then speak to my dad who would then say 'well she seems happy...why hasnt she said anything?' then he would assume it was just my mum trying to stir!

It was incredibly hard to bring things up with my dad myself, mainly because when I spent time with him I just wanted everything to be 'nice' and if im honest I was quite probably a little insecure and worried that he would be upset with me for saying something even though he was and is a very placid and kind father! I was also worried that id upset or hurt him by saying something too.

I think the best thing you can do is to try and empower your children so that they know it is ok and safe for them to speak to their father, reassure them that he will love them no matter what and wont be angry with them for whatever is going on.

Really thats all you can do as you just cant influence your ex or his wife.

Good luck

I second amber's suggestion - empower your DC's to talk to their Dad.

Remind them how much he loves them, and how he wouldn't want them to be so unhappy, but that he can't do anything to change things unless he knows about it.

Your DC's and their Dad will both suffer if he is not made aware of what they are saying sooner rather than later. He can only do something if he knows about it. Could you, your ex and your DC's all meet together to discuss it? Present a united front and show them that when it is something so important, then you and he work together?

I think this sort of thing is best brought out into the open - you can support your DC's to tell their Dad what they have told you; including the fact that they are scared that he will tell his DW and she will punish them. There may well be an element of exaggeration on your DC's part, although it sounds like their SM is overstepping and their dad has left her to it - but most DC's will say what they think the adults in their lives want to hear. At least if you and your ex are present at the same time, they can't play one of you off against the other.

Just to add - I think you can probably get a bit tougher with your ex, too - at least in your mind. He is their parent too - and all the while you are thinking "what can he do about it even if he knew", you are absolving him of any responsibility for them when they are in his care.

It sounds like something is rather wrong but your ex is not a victim, he is their dad and he needs to stand up and sort it out or deal with the consequences when they vote with their feet when a bit older.

Fucking hell, I have just written a bloody essay, thanking you all so much for your thoughts and it didn't recognise that I had already logged in and wouldn't let me post it! ARRRGH!!

I cannot write it all again, maybe tomorrow.

Rock and a hard place - most definitely. Me and ex dh doing our utmost to make sure they come out of this unscathed. But me feeling that that bitch is ruining all that. And that boils down to just who she is, rather than any step parenting issues I suppose.

Empower the dc - yes, the situation will not change but these are the best ways to deal with it. She is not going to go away, I must help them learn how to deal with her. But I do unfortunately think that when they are teenagers, they will 'think with their feet', stand up to her more and the relationship they have with ex will suffer.

Awful. I agree, your best bet seems to be helping the kids to find the strength both to stand up for themselves and to talk to their dad.
Are the kids now, or have they been, to see a counselor at all? I know it's not always a solution, but it might be worth a try, just to help them focus on their own feelings rather than trying to please all the adults, which is a very tough place to be.

Is there any way that they could record their step mum when she comes upstairs to berate them out of their father's hearing? That you could then play to their dad? Or could they have a cheap mobile they could ring you on without her realising when they go upstairs, and you just listen in and then talk to their dad?

It could be worth talking to your ex about ds not wanting to go to the school fair because he is worried about the clothes that his stepmum will force him to wear. Or would you be able to swap weekends with him - and explain that ds wants to go to the fair but is so worried about what his stepmum will make him wear that he would prefer not to go rather than even risk it?

Hopefully that would be enough to make him see that that is something that is affecting your ds and start to do something about it.

I'd also speak to him about things like your dd being worried about going to the loo in the middle of the night - if kids need to go, they need to go. As an adult I would be furious if I was told I couldn't/shouldn't go to the loo in the middle of the night - and I would be an adult that could stand up for myself. Much worse if you are a child and can't. Not to mention the fact that sod's law being what it is, if you are told not to go then you are bound to wake up and want to go even more than you normally would!

I'd also try to talk to your dd and explain that it's all very well to do an act and be nice to the stepmum in public (has her stepmum threatened her if she doesn't?) but if she wants her dad to understand about how her stepmum is treating her when her dad is not around to see, then she just needs to treat the stepmum honestly (ie not being all hugs and handholding if she doesn't feel like it) and if her stepmum pulls her up on it then she needs to talk to you about it. Not ideal I know but then this unfortunately is not an ideal situation mush be horrid to have to listen to this from your dc and not being able to do as much as you would like to about it

Dont let her bully your children like this, they will never forget it.

I think you should tell your children that you are listening to them and if it is really upsetting them you will stand up for them and not send them somewhere where they are being bullied. Your children dont need couselling, they need portecting.

If you think it might help, talk to your ex and explain what is happening. Try to get him to see that it is serious. You should also quietly keep a diary of the feedback you are getting.

How awful for you and those poor kids. What a mean woman SM sounds like...
I'm a step parent myself and would not dream of dictating to my SC like that - it sounds like they are really scared of her.
These are subtle bullying tactics - not overt enough to alert your ex, but enough to have your kids living in fear of her 'moods'.
I'm at a loss to suggest what to do, yes, you need to empower your kids to stand up for themselves, but the adult really does have the upper hand here, and they are already so cowed by her it would be difficult for them presumably to do this.
I wouldn't want to put my DD into a situation like that either - maybe you will need to bring it to a head and have it out with their Dad and lay on the table the kind of stories that the kids are telling you.

Your children dont need couselling, they need portecting.
The two are not mutually exclusive. By the sound of it, the kids are being bullied. Just like in a schoolyard bullying situation, a parent coming to the rescue is only part of the equation. The OP has said that the kids are afraid of reprisals, and that they are unable, at this time, to speak honestly about their feelings. They aren't going to be helped by an intercession that ends up leaving them feeling betrayed or more confused, and the OP seems concerned about that herself, so the intercession needs to include recogniton of that. Regardless of what the OP chooses say to her ex, the kids also need to be able to speak up; otherwise they will always be in danger and the OP won't be able to protect them.
Counselling is absolutely in order, and I can't see why anyone would think these kids could not benefit from it.