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My kids really don't like their stepmum

195 replies

Kerryblue · 23/04/2012 10:23

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun. Sad

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

Sad
OP posts:
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smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 24/04/2012 09:30

Your poor children, she sounds like a horrible bully Sad

I agree with all those that say your children need to talk to their dad, until they tell him. How they feel he is going to carry on believing that everything is ok, he sounds like a good dad so hopefully if he hears how unhappy they are from them (with your support) he will take steps to change things and make things a little less strict when they are at his house.

On the subject of the second set of clothes at dad and step-mums house, we do the same my DP's ex is batshit crazy difficult, and will send them for a two week stay with just 2 t-shirts and 1 pair of trousers, she also goes mad if they get dirty Hmm so we find it easier and less stressful to have a set of clothes here, that way they get changed as soon as they get here, we wash their clothes, they wear their set of 'dads house' clothes until they go back to mums house when they put on their nice clean clothes that they came in. They don't wear any of their clothes back to mums as she will just throw them away because she claims they are 'chavvy' ie they are from asda, tesco, sainsbury etc and not next or gap Hmm. However they chose their own clothes and as long as they are wearing clothes I couldn't care less what they are as its not me that has to wear them.

chelen · 24/04/2012 10:43

I agree this sounds horrible and must stop, but I don't understand why your ex is happy to let it go on? He isn't doing [his] utmost to make sure they come out of this unscathed is he? He is there, in the house, and yet he is doing nothing.

If their dad supported them, they wouldn't be scared to speak up to her. My DSS is not afraid of me, because he knows a) I will listen and b) if I ever wouldn't listen, his dad bloody well would!

Kaluki · 24/04/2012 11:03

I can't see why they don't need counselling either.
They do need protecting from this nutjob but the fall out from this they will definitely need some form of counselling.
Regarding the clothes - I think it is quite common (although crazy) to have separate clothes at each parents. My DSC come with just one outfit each however long they are staying. We put them in our clothes but they choose what they wear (within reason).
Does the Stepmum have any dc of her own. Is she quite a controlling person?
Sounds like she has serious issues if she is bullying little children and I think you should definitely tell your exH about everything she has done. I don't think you will come across as bitter - you have had 7.5 years to be bitter and you have behaved admirably so why would you start being bitter now?

Kerryblue · 24/04/2012 11:34

Thank you all so much. Reading that bought a tear to my eye I must admit because of the difficulties in protecting them from all her crap. And also because it makes me realise that no, this behaviour from a stepmum isn't normal.

ex says she 'tries her best'. She has no kids of her own (altho she has told the dc she lost 3 babies, one in her tummy, one at birth and one at aged 1, called Holly. I need to know if this is true or not). And so dd says that is why she is 'trying to by my mummy when I am there'.

Chelen - he doesn't know alot of it, and the kids won't' tell him. He said that he does pick her up on some stuff - like shutting them in the car after they went for a walk around the field at the stables, and they didn't tell her. But he can't pick her up for everything even if he thinks it is unjust because they have to present a united front!!

DH suggests ds keep a diary. And ds suggested himself taking the dictaphone to record the tellings off upstairs. Something to consider but would be really worried she might find it.

She is a bully. I don't like her. THe dc know I don't like her. I rarely see her but when we do I can hardly bear to look at her.

OP posts:
Kerryblue · 24/04/2012 11:48

OMG , I'm shaking.

I just phoned ex to tell him some of the stuff dd told me on sunday night and he just lost it saying this stuff is not important, I'm not going to be told 'she said this, she said that', things are a million times better at home. If it was that urgent you would have told me y'day. etc etc And then he hung up.

He just hates hearing anything bad about his DW.

Sad
OP posts:
theredhen · 24/04/2012 12:01

Kerry, I know a lot of people will disagree but I think you need to stop contact for the time being.

I think you need to document the bullying and seek legal advise to cover yourself.

If your ex refuses to listen, you need to do something to protect your kids.

NotaDisneyMum · 24/04/2012 12:05

Deep breaths. Sad

I know this brings out the tigress mother in you, but in order to make things better for your DC's, that needs to be kept under control, at least in public.

I suggest you make an appointment as soon as possible, with a family mediator. Once you have seen the mediator on your own, they will send a letter, inviting your ex to a solo meeting, and then you will get together and discuss it face to face.

This, hopefully, will help your ex see how important this is; he is either blinded by love, or possibly, realises that he misjudged his DW in terms of her relationship with his DC's but his pride may be getting in the way of admitting it.

Talk to your DC's schools, and GP as well - they can help secure support outside the home - which is essential, as they will be aware of your feelings when they are talking to you, so will benefit from talking to someone who is not linked to the family in any way.

OrmIrian · 24/04/2012 12:06

"saying this stuff is not important"

Bloody hell! Who is he to say it isn't?

So sorry kerry. No advice but I feel for you. This would break my heart.

NotaDisneyMum · 24/04/2012 12:08

x-post - I disagree with RedHen - the behaviour your DC's are being exposed to is not, ime, significant enough to justify withholding contact.

My DSC's mum behaves like this all the time, she bullies and dominates the DCs' - but it is not grounds for concern even from a RP, so is highly unlikely to justify withholding contact when it is happening infrequently with a parent in the home as well to intervene.

Kaluki · 24/04/2012 12:13

Sounds like you hit a nerve there Kerry!

He must know deep down that she is bullying them but he doesn't want to admit it Sad
She shut them in the car??? Jesus Christ Shock
The stuff about her losing 3 babies is a worry as well - she shouldn't be telling them stuff like that and definitely shouldn't be using it to justify her behaviour.
I agree - keep them away from her until their Dad can be a man and sort this out.
Poor little kids - makes me so mad. Its creatures like her that give us all a bad name.

CiderwithBuda · 24/04/2012 12:17

A family mediator sounds like a great idea.

A big part of the issue is your DC's understandable reluctance to tell their Dad.

Heartbreaking situation.

BobblyGussets · 24/04/2012 12:35

I would confront her in a breezy way and tell her, "Oh and Mildred, the Dss will be choosing their own clothes to wear at the weekends now they are older just so you know,".

See how that goes? I think she doesn't have to confront you and so she does what she likes because Ex allows it. Keep facing her, dropping them off and greeting her and, well if it were me, I would ask why DD is discouraged from using the loo at night and why DS was crying.

You need to let her see you, and let her know you will face her, not just EX. That is a tough one, but I am hard faced.

In fact, I will come over for you and have a word with her. Are you in the West Country? Grin

Kerryblue · 24/04/2012 12:41

Hi. I have calmed down Smile

I have got an appointment this afternoon with dd's teacher because I am sure this stuff sometimes affects her school work. For instance she told me that sometimes she loses her place whilst reading because she looks at the pictures (she is quite behind with reading!) and if there is a mummy and daddy there, it makes her sad. Or she looks out of the window at pick up time and gets sad when she sees mummy's AND daddy's out there. And she is PHOBIC of being told off. She says she shakes when she feels a telling off is imminent, even if it is directed towards another child.

At the beginning of the year when she refused to go to their house, I did get a referral form for PCAHMS. But then it seemed to get better. But now I think I should do it.

I asked ex just now about the babies and there was only one mc a couple of years ago where they thought it would be a girl whom they named Holly and they planted a tree. So where on earth dd got the story about 3 I really don't know.

dh did seem cross when I told him about the meal thing. At 1st he didn't believe it but when I said they both told me independently, he said ' oh for fucks sake she didn't did she, it was my idea. But I won't bring it up with her'.

I can appreciate this stuff might make him get riled (sp) I really can. I actually said to him 'I hate telling you this, it is making me squirm.' And I guess I have been stewing about it alot over the last day or two and he has just been hit with it in the middle of a working day. So he is going to be defensive.

He just wants it all to be so lovely, when I know it is not

OP posts:
Kerryblue · 24/04/2012 12:47

Bobbly Grin

I wish I was in the west country - I would definitely take you up on your offer!

I rarely see her though. Every arrangement, email, discussion is with exdh. And this has been at my insistence and it has worked well.

But maybe you are right. I had actually never thought of that. Really, never thought of actually TELLING her to stop doing some of the stuff she is doing. Maybe I am a little bit frightened of her too!!!! Hmm

OP posts:
theredhen · 24/04/2012 12:56

Yes actually I agree that mediation should be your first port of call now. I was a bit hasty with my last post.

BobblyGussets · 24/04/2012 12:57

She sounds scary, but it doesn't have to be a row or unpleasant until "Mildred" makes it so. Why am I referring to her as "Mildred" Confused?

You can just have a bossy, breezy Mums voice on (with an edge of steel if you are me) and tell her nicely and firmly little bits and pieces.

My heart goes out to you, you sound like a lovely sensitive Mum. It must be agonizing for you.

Kaluki · 24/04/2012 13:00

Bobbly's idea is good - if you are brave enough!
Stand up to her yourself in front of exH and the dc.

Bullys always back down when confronted!

Beamur · 24/04/2012 13:10

Kerryblue she says 'she tries her best' but in this case, her best is not good enough. She comes across from what you have said as jealous and controlling - it is sad that she has lost a baby, I think I became a much better step parent once I had a child of my own - it made me much more compassionate towards my SC's. I think having a child of your own also makes you much more realistic about your own expectations of other children - I just couldn't understand, for instance, why they couldn't be tidier.

I think your ex is hiding behind the 'united front' message too, tolerating your children being intimidated in order to support your wife is tantamount to acceptance of that behaviour. My DP has always supported me in having the scope to discipline the children appropriately - but would tell me if he thought I was being unfair.
I think you are right to take steps to bring this out in the open, however painful that might be, hopefully it will help your ex step up to making sure his kids are safe and happy in his home, worst case - at least your kids will know that you love and believe them and have done all you can to sort this.
BTW - as well as being a SM, I also have a SM - who has done her very best to minimise the contact I have with my Dad, I can't say I admire her much for this, but the real blame I lay at my Dads door for allowing and tolerating this to happen.

PestoPenguin · 24/04/2012 13:14

I don't have anything to suggest, but wanted to offer some support and to say you're doing the right thing in seeking help for your DCs to find their way through this.

I am a child of divorced parents, who separated before I can remember. I just wanted to add that just because the separation happened when they were tiny, doesn't mean that they won't have issues to resolve surrounding it in the years to come next. The teen years can be v hard for many reasons, and I found it a real struggle to come to terms with my family situation at that age. My emerging sense of adulthood, justice, sexuality etc all put in a different light info I had happily lived with unquestioningly my whole life. I can imagine that coming to terms with SM as OW is something that a teenager/preteen may start to see differently than they did when they were younger. I would also suggest that you are treading a fine line, as you don't want ExH to feel like you are criticising his wife and that to lead to more conflict problems. I agree your DCs may benefit from counselling.

Good luck Smile

BobblyGussets · 24/04/2012 13:27

It's a pisser really, because, if a person isn't "nice" and finds their step children to be a bit of a pain, they could just back off and leave them alone to have a nice time with Dad, rather than seeking them out to chastise and frighten them.

On the other hand, if you were a nice step parent, you could have such a laugh with stepkids, be more of a friend to them than their "blood" parents and absolve yourself of most of the responsibility onto your other half (as long are you did the caring thing). I dunno, as you can prob tell, I do not have step children or step parents.

TheseGoToEleven · 24/04/2012 14:44

I do like Bobbly's idea of confronting her - in a nice and friendly way of course. She is relying on secrecy right now, as all bullies do, but if she sees that you are not afraid to drag things out into the open she might just back off. Not to mention the world of good it will do for your children to see you stand up to her, might help them be able to stand up to her as well.

Fooso · 24/04/2012 15:04

I agree with you facing up to her.. I really think she needs to be reigned in and you're the one to do it! Release that inner-tiger...

Fooso · 24/04/2012 16:07

meant "reined" what is it with spelling on MN!

CiderwithBuda · 24/04/2012 16:14

Hmm. I think I would hold back on confronting her directly just yet. I think keeping your X on-side will be more productive.

Attacking his wife will put him on the defensive straight away. His comment about what she said about the food was telling. He had no idea she had done that. You telling him that you are hating having to tell him this lets him know you are not just bringing all this up out of malice. The best way to deal with this is for things to stay amicable between you. I think I would have another gentle chat with him and tell him you want the DCs to maintain the good relationship they have with him but that that is currently being colured by how they feel about their stepmother. Could you ask him to come over and have a chat with the children? Maybe with you there and both of you telling them that he won't tell her what they say, they will feel more able to be honest with him.

BearBehavingBadly · 24/04/2012 16:48

As a child I experienced exactly what the OP's children have but was too frightened to tell my Dad (was step-father in my case) in case it made things worse. Tried to tell my mother but was ignored.

The emotional & physical abuse I received definitely affected me.
I no longer have anything
anything to do with my mother or stepfather as my mother failed to protect me.
My Dad & my stepmum (I think of her as my real Mum as she is lovely) now know what happened & are horrified & wish I had told them at the time as they would have whisked me away from them & applied through the courts to have me live with them full time.
How I wish I had told them when I was younger as I would not have the recurring nightmares/flashbacks etc.
As a Mother of a 5 yr old DD I would do what ever it takes to protect her.
I would second what Redhen says.
It will only get worse.

I felt I had to post as this thread has made me feel so angry that I want to punch the stepmother bitch where it really hurts.

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