My kids really don't like their stepmum

[Kerryblue]

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun.

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

But isn't that always the case on MN?
We only hear the OPs side of the story so we have to go by what she has told us.
We can't start assuming that someone is lying because we don't want to flame the stepmum.
Most of us on here are stepmums and BMs too so we can usually see it from both sides of the fence.

Luckily my SC have never said anything bad about me to their Mum (I hope) but if they did I would expect DP to speak to the DC and myself and we would sort it out together. If his ex wife turned up wanting to discuss it I would be quite horrified (and terrified - she is one scary woman!!!)

I'm a BM and a SM. nothing, and I do mean nothing, could have prepared me for the unfounded resentment and hostility from one of my 3 steps. Had I known, I'd probably not have tried so hard, as nothing that I do "counts" with this young woman.

I hope that the OP isn't blind to the possibility that her DCs may be exaggerating or misrepresenting life at their Dads house - there are any number of reasons why that might be the case.

But, even if the DCs are lying to their mum, there is still a problem that the OP and her ex should be addressing together.

The OPs DC are saying negative things about their SM. Either the stories are true or the DCs are lying about their SM. In either case, it is not an issue that their parents can ignore. If the OPs ex is not at all concerned about what his DCs say about his DW, then what does that say about him as a father and partner?!

He, the OP and the DCs need to bring this out into the open - if the DCs are lying then there is just as big a problem as there is if they are telling the truth.

I am certainly not blind to the possibility that my dc are exaggerating. I know of several things that they have told me that have been taken out of context.

I do, however, tend to believe them when they tell me stuff independently of each other.

My dd definitely wanted to take the teddy on holiday. The idea that she didn't and told me sm said that to disguise this fact is, quite frankly, absurd. I know my dd, and on this occasion she was very upset.

I still haven't heard from my ex, although I have emailed him, and I will see him tomorrow evening when the dc go to his.

Kerry His silence is pretty telling, isn't it? He's clearly not making much of an effort to reassure you that he is dealing with it

Agree with NADM.

I do hope you can get your ex to understand this is something he has to deal with kerryblue, and it isn't going to go away by ignoring it.

I couldn't resist a little peek seeing that there were so many posts and have only looked at last page, so Eliza my sympathies to you - sounds like your sd is playing a game with you (as in "You can't do right whatever you do") I had very similar experiences with my SD from time to time. I am not saying your SD is "playing this game" from awareness - she probably isn't - she is just out to make sure you are the "baddy" in the soap opera while she is the "plucky heroine" even though she distorts the contents of altercations so that you remain the "baddy"

Once my SD told her mum that I had "thrown her out of the house" (aged about 15 I think) and this was an outright lie. She was arguing with me in the hall and shouting in my face, so I opened the front door and said "I think it's best if you go now X because we are both angry, and need to talk when we are both calmer. I had just found out that she had stolen quite a large amount of money from my purse, and she was busying denying it, though there was proof positive.

Oh I hope to god no-one comes on to flame me again for just putting a different perspective on this age old fraught business of step parenting. I am still in bandages from the roasting I got earlier on in the thread!

Coo Kerryblue, you certainly started something here - I imagine you are surprised at the number of posts this thread has generated. I imagine you X is just sticking his head in the sand and feels between a rock and a hard place with you and his wife/partner. Not making excuses for him, just an observation.

I know, I had thought we would have spoken about it because he called me back that day last week, and then I returned his call but we missed each other both times.

I am reluctant to call him tbh because I really do not want to stir things up. I have to believe that things are better since our last conversation, and as I have said before, it is not all bad! They do have lovely times and if you take it in context, the examples I have mentioned during the whole of this thread did not all happen in one week. They have happened over a long period of time.

It's just that when I do mention them to him, he makes me feel as if I am mad! I think he can see some of it, but believes that being a stepmum is hard, she is trying her best, she loves the dc and he wants to present a united front in front of the dc.

I have no illusions that being a step parent is hard. I am married to one I can appreciate that a lot of the time you're dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. I did not want this to be a thread about slating step mums AT ALL.

Anita - yes I have freely admitted I don't like her. She had an affair with my husband when we had a 2 year old and I was 7 months pregnant. She sent me texts telling me to 'move on' 2 weeks after moving in with my now dh, she told me not to treat my ex like a baby sitter, she phoned my work to check I was definitely there one valentines night, because they had the dc that night (tuesday - their usual night at that time) and she wanted to go out, she sends me pissed off texts demanding a pair of knickers back that I had forgotten to return and most of all, she does things that SOMETIMES upsets my kids.

She does these things and my ex doesn't know (again please bear in mind these things are over the course of 7 years!)

Another recent example is this. DS plays football on a saturday morning and when he plays at home ex brings him all the way over here to watch him. He also brings dd and whilst ds is warming up, they go to a local cafe and have a bacon sandwich . He loves it, she loves it. It is their time. A couple of weeks ago, SM told dd not to go again, because it is not fair on ds as this is his time with his dad. Ex DID NOT KNOW she had said this to dd. It was brought up and now the situation is resolved (end of footie season lol!)

Why the hell tell my dd what to wear when she won't even be there? Again, I have no problem with separate wardrobes. This seems normal and easier - it is the changing back into school uniform on a sunday that to me is just not normal. And you really think it is ok not to let an almost 11 year old put on his own choice of clothes in the morning?

I will let you know how it goes tomorrow. Thank you once again for all your kind comments, I can't believe this thread is still going! It is food for thought and makes me realise that something needs to be said.

I have said it before and will say it again, you need to focus this on the person who is responsible for the children's welfare - your ex, the father of your children. If this SM is doing all these horrid things, then your ex is a shit for letting it go on.

As for the football story - surely your ex would notice when your dd wasn't in the car with them to go to football? And he would go and find out why? And he would stand up for what he thought was right? SM's are human and some are nicer than others but they don't have Jedi powers of mind control ffs.

Your ex seems almost non-existent in this story yet he should be the key person.

Why are you not more annoyed with your ex? If my DP needed to talk to his ex about the kids or she wanted to speak to him, a whole week wouldn't slip by just waiting.

Absolutely he needs to listen and take some control of all this!

Jedi powers of mind control? Sorry, what?

SM told her not to go to football. So she didn't. Of course ex noticed, but dd said it was because she wanted to stay with sm and bake cakes.

But to me, she tells me she really wanted to go and didn't want to bake cakes at all.

It would seem to me therefore that dd is trying to keep sm happy? no?

'A whole week slip by just waiting' - these things have been going on for years Chelen, they have not seen their dad for 10 days. Nothing more has happened to warrant any upset during those 10 days.

We will talk when the moment arises.

Ah - that is slightly different.

My DSS enjoys baking, even with me But, he would never admit that to his mum and he tells her that he had to help - not that he wanted to and asked if he could

Is it possible that your DD was trying to spare your feelings by avoiding telling you that she had chosen to stay with her SM instead of go with her Dad?

I find this thread pretty odd.

There was an allegation of her hitting them upthread, if anyone was potentially hitting either my DS or my DSS, I'd be expecting it to be talked about it pretty fast.

Yet if anyone suggests your ex should actually do something - like phone you to talk about it - you get all defensive.

I've no idea if what the children are saying is true or not but there is way too little responsibility being given to the dad here. My dsd would tell her mum that story about the cakes to spare her mums feelings. Weirdly though her mum would rather believe it than believe she actually enjoyed the baking with me

I'm confused as to why this wicked sm wants your dd at home baking with her when she could have both children out of the house with their dad...

I think the hitting was back in the past and was dealt with then!
I think the OP should know her dc well enough to know what is exaggeration and what isn't.

Thank you Kaluki.

Yes, the hitting was dealt with at the beginning of the year.

I never used the word 'wicked'

Yes, the hitting was dealt with at the beginning of the year.

How was this dealt with, if you don't mind me asking?

If there has been an incident in the past where your DC's have made a serious allegation against their SM which your exH has accepted, then I don't see why he is being so blinkered about it now.
But, if the allegation of hitting was proved to be an exaggeration/lie by the DC's, then I think it's possible that they are displaying a pattern of behaviour and your DP is understandably wary about taking their word at face value.

That one incident could be key to how the DC's are behaving now; particularly as it was only a matter of weeks ago and a very serious allegation which could have had significant consequences on the whole family. Everything else your DC's have said their SM does pale into insignificance in comparison to being hit, in my view.

If your DC's are lying about their SM, it doesn't mean that they are bad/naughty - it just means that they are reacting to a set of circumstances in their life which they need help and support with.

What NADM said.

I didn't put the wicked in quotation marks, I wasn't saying that you had used that word. But you are saying (unless I have misread) that she is unkind to your children and doesn't care much for them... I'm making an observation that if that were the case, surely she would relish a child-free house rather than keep your DD there. And not only there but baking with her... That's not something you do with a child that you are unkind to... unless she is seriously, seriously twisted.

I mostly don't even want to bake with my own children

Oh, my mistake, I didn't see that the hitting issue had been resolved. How was it resolved - did your ex speak to his wife, did he talk to the children about it?

Im a step mum myself, and i am stricter with my husbands kids aged 10 and 8 than what their mother and father are. I do make them change into clothes that are kept at our house when they arrive, and they change back again when they go home. I do this because when the kids come to us they look a mess, clothes not ironed, scruffy, not matching, hair not brushed, ill fitting shoes etc, and its embarrassing taking them out like that. If the children were dressed properly then i wouldnt make them change. However the kids are not frightened of me (one of them wants to come and live with us) and there doesnt seem to be an issue with them not wanting to come to ours. In your situation i wouldnt force the kids to see their dad, i would call him up and explain that the kids dont want to come due to his wifes rules and the way she makes them feel. No child should be frightened to make a noise so they dont upset someone, they will be nervous kids and u dont want that. Ask your ex husband to take them out for the day on his own instead of them staying the whole weekend, so they just spend time with their father, otherwise they wont want to come and stay with him. If your ex husband refuses to do this, then explain to him that its that or nothing, you wont have your children being in fear when they visit their dads. Im sure he ll see them without his wife their if it means that he wont see them at all.