My kids really don't like their stepmum

[Kerryblue]

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun.

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

Btw it started subtly then got worse.
I left home as soon as I could.

BBB - I am sorry for your situation, that sound horrendous and no wonder you left home as soon as you could.

There is no physical abuse, but do you really think the stuff I have said is emotional abuse? God. Really? I feel like I am going round in circles .

So the stuff about 3 babies is not true, there was only 1. But why would a 7 year old tell me there was 3. ex dh thinks she just got confused but she says there was 3 loads. So now I am questioning whether the stepmum has told dd in private about 3, without ex knowing. But that would be mad wouldn't it? WHy would she do that?

She told them that when they were dropped off at our house after being away for 9 days to 'give me and daddy a hug before you go to mummy and say thank you to us for your holiday'. They did just that and whilst I couldn't wait to give them a massive cuddle, they on the other hand looked sheepish and hardly clocked at me. Only when they left did they fall into my arms.

dd was told not to take a teddy from our house to a 2 week holiday in Florida with them because 'this is not mummy's holiday'.

I don't think I can confront her actually.

ex called me earlier but I was in with dd's teacher. I'll wait for him to call back. He did say on voicemail sorry for hanging up.

Thank you so much for all your comments, it is really good to get different perspectives.

I am working a night shift tonight but will see how the call goes and let you know.

It's good that he called you back. Keeping the lines of communication as open as possible between you both is key.

I don't get the 'this is not mummy's holiday comment? Was she meaning you? How is DD taking a Teddy a problem? She sounds odder and odder!

Oh dear - I think I'm going to get flamed, but just for a moment can I give a slightly different take on this. I am a stepmother (or was as SDgrown now with her own family, but making a terrible mess of her life) I am ashamed to say that I just could not like my SD. I was only young myself and my eldest son was mine from a first marriage, so my DP was a step father to him, and then we had one of our own. So in a way I can see this age old problem from all angles.

I a surprised at how many of you are using the term bullying (apart from the alleged slap to one of the children) to me it is evidence that the SM is finding it very difficult to cope with the children (not because they are naughty or rude) but because she knows they love their mom and dad and not her, and yes of course she's jealous and insecure - but she has been demonised I think. I hated myself for feeling jealous about my SD because she preferred her dad, and to be jealous of a pretty little girl made me feel awful but I just couldn't help it. The thing is as well was that I was a very close friend of her mom (my DPs ex partner) and we had been friends since school days, but that didn't make things better. In some ways it made it worse because my friend (SCs mother) used to come in our house with herDD and if we were eating she would take food from my DPs plate and pull up a chair for her DD to eat with us. I really did NOT begrudge the child food, but it was things like this that hurt me. We were all young parents, I had 2 sons and money was always tight. SD used to be sulky and rude to me quite often although looking back I think she definitely picked up that I didn't like her. I would put a meal on the table and look across and SD was sitting with her arms folded in a sulk becuase she didn't like chicken (or whatever) even though she had eaten it tons of times before.

My DP was not exactly a disney dad but he always wanted to keep the cart on the wheels, as he was afraid she wouldn't want to come to our house if anything went wrong. As I said money was tight and I would make sure she had the same amount as my boys for christmas, but she just used to open the presents without any excitement or a smile and just put them on one side. She told ver fanciful stories that were obviusly untrue but none of us felt we could challenge her for fear of upsetting her. I realise now that she must not have been happy about who she was, as that is why kids make up stories like this, but I didn't realise that at the time.

On the other side of things I observed my DP picking on my eldest son for nothing really and making a big upset and I would jump to my son's defence (so yes OP I understand the need to protect your cubs) most of us would fight like tigers for our kids.

The whole business caused a lot of stress in our household and a lot of arguments between me and DP.

The years have gone by and they are all in the 40s now and so it is all in the past. As my SD grew and had children (3 different men) we would have them for the weekend (they lived a fair distance away) and I as genuinely fond of my step gr/chrn and in a way that sort of resolved some of my guilt about the way I thought about my SD. She grew into a very attention seeking person who still told lies and as very self centred. I look back now and wonder what sort of childhood she had with her mom and step dad and reckon it must not have been as good as it looked. The step grd/chrn are grown and we support them as much as we can. We don't have contact with my SD anymore (too long a story) but ironically neither does her own mom. The other ironic thing is that my DP (who picked on my son when he was a pre teen) now thinks he is wonderful and they have a good r/ship.

What am I saying - just that step parenting almost always brings problems and yes the man in the middle wants to keep everyone happy and usually fails in the process.

I don't know what the way forward is, other than to say (as others have said) that once the kids get to teenage (even as young as 13) they will decide for themselves whether they want to go to their dad's house. Maybe dad will have to agree to meet them elsewhere and take them to the cineman, Pizza hut or whatever.

Surely there are other SMs out there who feel they just can't like their skids and try to pick on them for little things out of jealousy. It's hard to admit but I know there are many SMs out there who feel this way.
Also I don't think this SM is bullying - she is trying to assert her very insecure jealous self as a substitute mother and getting it all wrong.

The only real way forward (which might make things worse) is for the 3 of you to talk but I think the SM would feel much too threatened to do this, but if she did I think OP you would have to try to understand her position as well as protecting your own children. Amen!

Wow NanaNina, can you really not see that theres a chance your dislike played a part in the way your SD has 'turned out'?

Sounds like a horribly confusing and insecure chldhood she had no wonder she is 'making a mess of her life' as you put it.

All that may be true nana but that doesn't change the fact that the OP's DCs are unhappy and frightened.

As children, they have a right to a relationship with their dad - and both parents have a responsibility to allow that to happen.

I'm sure you and your SD would both have been happier (then and now) if your family could have resolved the issues between you at the time.

Nana Nina - it's always good to see things from the other side but really the OP here just wants her children to continue the close relationship they have had with their dad which is currently at risk because of the behavior of a supposed adult. She may well feel insecure - especially if she has wanted children and been unable to have them - but she is an adult. She should not be telling the DD that she cannot take a Teddy on holiday. She should not be going behind her husband's back to interfere in a fun tradition that the husband has with his children. She should not be telling an 11 year old what he can wear. The children are afraid of her. That is wrong.

Your SD sounds like a very unhappy person. I don't know how old she was when you married her father but the picture you paint tells a story of a very unhappy and confused little girl. By the sounds of it she is still that unhappy little girl.

See, nananina, although I'm not going to flame you, I don't agree - even though I think there are a great many cases you see here where the stepmum is demonised, or where people automatically ascribe unkind motivations to the stepmum, and in general I do absolutely agree with your suggestion about trying to understand the stepmum's position....

But in this case, I do think she is bullying the kids. Oh, yes, some of it may be perfetly reasonable or at least understandable, especially when taken alone. And I get the impression that the OP understands that there may be aspects of the parenting/house rules at ex&stepmum's house with which she disagrees or which make her kids unhappy, and that is sort of ok with her. (again, my impression.)

There are other things though which clearly go too far and are really indicative of, if not outright abuse, certainly bullying and intimidating. (This of course assumes that the kids are telling the truth, and there doesn't seem to be a suggestion that they are inventing things, although of course they might misunderstand some stuff.) The fact that they get in trouble if they get up in the night to use the toilet is one of these troubling things. The fact that the kids seem to be asked by SM to demonstrate affection for her and yet claim to be afraid of and dislike her is another.

Is it possible there is another side to this story? Sure. Also possible that SM has her own difficulties to cope with. But that doesn't excuse some of these things, Taking the OP at face value, this is a worrying situation.

So what do you think the OP should do nana? Just leave things as they are? Allow the stepmother to work out her own insecurities and jealousy on defenceless children? No matter how hard it is for her she is an adult that has chosen this situation. The children did not.

FWIW one of my closest friends is in pieces atm because her partner has walked out on her after 4 years. Main reason being her SD didn't like her and he refused to see her dad in my friend's house and all his family took the stepdaughters side so he lost touch with most of his family. I know being a stepmum is hard - but never in all the years together was my friend other than welcoming and easy-going with the child.

Nana - I admire your honesty and I'm not going to flame you either. You know you probably played a part in the way your SD turned out but so did her parents.
I find my relationship with my SC hardgoing , and I have to confess that i actually don't love them. At times I feel quite fond of them and at times I could throttle the pair of them BUT I would never ever in a million years treat them like the stepmum in this case. Stopping them going for a wee in the night. refusing to allow a teddy to come on holiday, dictating what they wear and forcing them to show affection are all controlling and bordering on abusive.
It sounds very much like the Stepmum here has issues with the OP and the dc are a constant reminder of the family she broke up. Added to the fact that she doesn't have dc of her own and has lost a baby along the way and you get a psycho nutjob!!!

Sorry - that last bit came out sounding a bit too mean!
I just think the woman has issues and shouldn't be allowed to treat the kids like this.

Kerry, your dd does seem to be struggling with the emotions involved and I would suggest counselling. She is feeling a loss which needs to be healed and it must be heartbreaking to hear that she gets upset when she sees other children with mums & dads. Some children are more affected by a parents separation so we have to treat each child uniquely. I think having someone external to talk too, who she feels won't have any loyalties to mum or dad might be so liberating for her.

Bear, yours is a heartbreaking story - my dss's mum has just moved in with a new man (soon to be 3rd husband) and dss hates it. DH & I are trying to support him (we know that there is no physical abuse) but his emotional needs are often ignored. Our biggest regret will be if we don't do enough now but dss's coping strategy is to be out of the house with friends.

I'm afraid I'm sticking my nose in here as I don't have experience of step-families. But does a lot of it come down to the dad off-loading his parenting responsibilities onto the stepmum? Why is she the one dealing with their clothes, laundry, what teddies they can take on holiday, what times they can flush the toilet?

I know it is her home and she has a right to be comfortable in it, and I guess I also don't much like the idea of her seeming to defer to her husband in everything, whether it's "wait till your father gets home..." or "I can't help you with that, ask your dad". But is he failing to take a leading parenting role during his time with the kids? How would he react to that suggestion?

Who makes their children say thank you for being taken on holiday by their parents!? That's not usual is it?

As for not being allowed to take a teddy, that's just pathetic.

She sounds incredibly controlling about things but most notably the clothes, my children have been choosing theirs for the day since they were tiny. Its good to let them make some of their own choices.

What i don't understand is why your ex goes along with this and doesn't just put a stop to that. They're not babies!

It's possible not to like your SC but still to treat them reasonably and kindly. I wasn't very keen on my DSD for quite a long time, my DSS was very easy to take to and like, but over the years I have got to know them both well, now they are both teens, I like them both very much. They are interesting, engaging people.
The way a step parent treats the children has a huge impact.

The step mother sounds extremely controlling, telling them what to wear, what not to bring on holiday, when to kiss her, how to say goodbye. Your children are u dee the thumb.
What upsets me is that they are so afraid of her that they don't even what to demonstrate affection towards you in front of her. How is that possible!
I think you need to empower your children to know that nothing will happen to them. That they should not be afraid.

Not being allowed to go to the loo in the night........unfortunately know all about that one.

A big part of me hopes that the stepmother realises that she has been out of order, apologises & makes amends.
(Have probably been reading too many happy ever after tales.)

I really hope something gets sorted out soon Kerryblue.

But why - when she is there - would they cuddle HER and not YOU?

They aren't exactly helping the situation are they? They are old enough to understand that.

I'm a mum and a step mum and have a reasonably fraught relationship with my DSDs mum (like, we get on when we really have to, and for the kids, but otherwise not and the children know there is no love lost)

I'd say I have a good relationship with the girls and I think their mum understands I look out for them.

BUT>..... I would NEVER expect them to stay with me if the two of us were in the same room.

I would be having a very serious conversation with your children about why they do that and how hard it makes you addressing it with your ex (For instance, if the kids are holding HER hand over yours in his presence, you can see why he would find it hard to believe they don't get on)

I wonder if on some level they are aware that their Dad already picked her over them (when he chose not to remain with you and them as a family unit), and their fear is that if they don't capitulate to whatever she wants then he might pick her over them again? Whether that be liking her more or reducing contact with them. I'm not saying this is what would happen of course, just that I can totally see child-like reasoning working this way, and hence some of the extreme measures on their part not to rock the boat .

I don't really understand that either. I wondered if they feel they HAVE to for some reason. Perhaps they feel that if they don't please her they lose their dad?

This sm sounds like a control freak to me. She maybe has issues with the fact that before her, her dh had a whole life, wife, family.

Her behaviour is very unreasonable.

Makes me realise just how kind and patient I've been as a stepmum. I almost wish my dh's daughter could read this and realise that I am not the monster she thinks I am.

I feel truly sorry for OP and her children and I'd not have mine within 50 feet of this woman!

How old is yours Eliza?

Amberleaf - I don't think you read all of my post because I am pretty certain I made it very clear that my dislike of my SD did not help her in any way (even though I never ever behaved badly to her in any way) I just kept quiet and that caused me to be more frustrated.

As someone else has pointed out her own mother and SF have a part to play in this, as she spent the majority of her childhood with them. They were never cruel to her but i think she was left to her own devices a lot and didn't get the unconditional love from her mother than every child needs to be enotionally healthy.

Of course I realise now that she was an insecure, unhappy and confused child and her behaviour was a manifestation of those emotions. I didn't understand that at the time and know far more about how behaviour is a product of experience.

Re your comment about my phrase "making a mess of her life" was shorthand for everything that has happened over the years. I wrote a very long post to you this morning, explaining what had happened with M (SD)as she grew up and had two very good relationships with decent blokes, and a child with each and we maintained a good r/ship with her and I was genuinely very fond of her children, and felt this had given me a "second chance" to give these children the love I hadn't felt able to give to M.

M left home at 17 to live with a boyfriend (who was a very decent chap) and moved about 100 miles away from her home and had a baby girl. I think I should mention that M's mother had nothing to do with her once she had left home, and her r/ship had broken down and she herself had a child when she was about 40. Sadly M's boyfriend left her, but she soon started a r/ship with another nice bloke and had a little boy. We supported her all the time, emotionally and financially. I actually found it much easier to feel more ok about M as an adult than when she was a child. But things were easier then, both of my sons had left home and we were better off financially. However she then got involved with another bloke and "got rid" of the little boy's dad and married this bloke after knowing him for 6 weeks! We begged her not to but she was desparate for a wedding.

I could see straight away that this bloke was trouble. He got drunk at the wedding and was shouting at M's little girl for asking for an ice cream!! We used to have M's children every holiday and after about 6 months I began to be worried about the children. We visited as often as we could (it was a 6 hour round trip) and I saw how scared the children were of the SD. He had refused to let M phone us and if she did he could be heard barking in the background. We took M's mom with us on one occasion and I think that was the only time she visited M to be honest.

The children came for their half term holiday in Feb and a conversation that started casually ended up with the children making a lot of allegations about the way they were being treated. I was a social worker by this time and knew to record everything they said and not to ask them leading questions. It was all very upsetting and we did not feel we could just send them back to that situation, so we contacted both their fathers, and they were really shocked and came to fetch the children (they lived inthe same area as M). I advised them to get legal advice straight away. Needless to say M was mad as a hatter at what we had done, and there followed several court cases, when my DP and myself had to give evidence. M had not been physically abuive to the children as the SD had to quite a horrendous degree, but she was scared of him too and failed to protect the children. I was familiar with this case scenario from my work.

The court finally agreed that the children live with their fathers (they were 6 and 8 at the time) and of course M and her violent partner would no longer have anything to do with us, as we had given evidence against them. Fast forward a couple of years and the violent bloke kicked M in the stomach and threw her down some stone steps. She was hospitalised and had an emergecy operation. I found about this when M phoned me from the hospital and told me what had happened and admitted that her P would not let her contact us. She also admitted that what the kids had said about her P was true but she had to lie in court in case he found out she had told the truth about him. The bloke was arrested and charged with GBH and bailed to a bail hostel 50 miles away from M and forbidden to have any contact with her, but he absconded and no one knew (or cared) where he was - we assume he went back to Ireland where his family lived.

Contact between M and us was restored although at times she would have an angry outburst at me for things had said in court. However she then got together with another violent bloke and when the children were having contact with her, this other bloke started to abuse them (emotionally and physically) and we told her this was not on, but of course she swore the kids were telling lies, which we knew they weren't. Anyway he finally left so that solved the problem. M then started a r/ship with an 18 year old when she was 40 but in many ways this has been quite a stable period. The "children" are now grown up and we are stillclose to them and support them financially as they have both been to Uni and all the debts that incurs. I would add that we have given M thousands of pounds over the years as she has constantly been in debt. She has been evicted 3 times and each time we have provided the deposit of a new private rent and 4 weeks advance deposit.

Her mother has had nothing to do with her really since she left home and I made it clear in court that M left home at a very young age and had no support from her mother or any other relatives, apart from ourselves and my DP's parents.

I hope it is now clear to see that M has indeed grown into an emotionally immature adult with a somewhat reckless nature, and I honestly do not think I am to blame for all of this at all. I don't like apportioning blame but I think her mother is to blame as she did not give her the love and care she needed as a child.

End of the story is that sadly we are no longer in contact with M and neither of her adult children are either. I am not going to give the reason but believe me it is very serious and was the tipping point for us. But this has only been the case for the past year and who knows what will happen in the future.

OK - hope I have explained why M is "making a mess of her life" and how we have supported her all through the years. I'm not sure why I have to defend myself to you as ny conscience is clear. I was in my very early 20s when M was a child and did not have the understanding that I have now. SO on the charge of being too immature myself to cope with the situation - I plead guilty!!

I lost the long post and I honestly don't think it's worth going into detail after seeing some of the posts in relation to mine, which was an attempt to be honest. Suffice to say we supported