My kids really don't like their stepmum

[Kerryblue]

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun.

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

OP It all sounds awful and I am not sure i can offer any better advice than that already given, but plenty of sympathy.

Fwiw - congratulations on your maturity and staying friends with your exH, despite the way he treated you. It is in your DC's best interests that it remains this way. I hope he eventually sees the woman for the witch she is and would agree with others who have said encourage your DC to speak to their father alone about their unhappiness.

Good luck and sorry your thread has been hijacked.

Mantana - it has to stay that way. There is no way I would ever allow myself to be bitter and twisted for the whole of the children's childhood. dd was not even born when he told me he was going to leave.

You know what, he didn't love me anymore. For whatever reason, he didn't love me and felt (rightly or wrongly) that leaving when the dc were so small would be the best for them. It would never have been a right time. Whether dd was not born, 6 months, 1 year or 2 years old - it would still have been shit. He stayed living at the family home until she was 6 months old. To help. Everyone, literally everyone, thought I was mad to let this happen, they all just wanted me to chuck him out. But I guess I hoped he would change his mind about leaving after dd was born. And he did help!

He always said he really hoped we could remain amicable and do everything we could to help the dc stay 'stable'. We didn't go to court, everything we did together, he gave me the family home - put it in my name - and left with nothing. He didn't take anything.

And although, yes, he treated me badly in that he left me - the way he left me was the best it could possibly be and for that I am grateful.

So we remained friends.

I just wish the person he chose to have the affair with and later marry, was not the person she is. Like dd said, 'I just wish daddy had married someone kind'.

Kerry I understand exactly what you are saying about each household operating independently of the other - it's how our household operates too - independently of both DDs dads house and DSS mums.

Although the regular transition was initially difficult for both DCs, they did adapt with help and support. This was a great relief to me, because the parenting style (or lack of it) in the other households was so far removed from my own values that it would have been impossible to find a compromise. The DCs know the rules and boundaries here and admit that they 'get away' with a lot more at their other parents houses that they know wouldn't be allowed here!

I guess what I'm saying is that in our case, it isn't a bad thing, and we overcame the initial issues - had I been asked to compromise and change my parenting style to accommodate the DCs transitions I'm certain that I would be unsettled and unhappy, which the DCs would pick up on, and that would lead to long term problems.

I know every case is different..
According to OP's ExH the SM loves her Stepchildren
However my stepfather made out that he loved me & yet he was still horrible.

I guess what I am trying to say is that a person can swear undying love to the other person yet still treat that person like shit. Just read half the threads in Relationships to see what I mean.

I would also like to add that my Stepmum is lovely.
We have had our ups & downs when I was a teenager but then my youngest sister (SM's child with my Dad) gave my SM merry hell too.

My SM when asked always tells people that she has 3 daughters (me & the 2 daughters that she & my Dad have together.)

My Stepmum is always there for me & treats me with respect. She is kind though worries too much for her own good. Even though she didn't give birth to me she is my Mum and thats what I call her.

Apologies for taking this thread slightly off tangent!

'I just wish daddy had married someone kind'.

That's so sad.

Its all very well your ex saying she loves the children but there were clearly some issues a few years ago and it makes me suspect that its wishful thinking on his part.

I would be inclined to go on how she behaves rather then how he says she feels.

If you take into account how she wants the kids to behave like their life with you doesn't exist (not being able to take a teddy from your house on holiday or wear their clothes at her house), then its very unlikely she really is ok with it and feels about them how your ex hopes she does.

Did you talk to him about the clothes issue? Does he not realise its ridiculous? Why does his wife get to set those rules? Doesn't he get a say or have a backbone?

I'm sorry to see [nananina] flamed here. She's given sound advice in the past and has at the very least, been honest.

My stepdad claimed to love me. He didn't. I think there were times he tried but we didn't get on. I'm 50 now. He died 6 years ago, and strangely, toward the end, I did have some affection for him because he was a fantastic grandad to my son.

This stepmum though, is very odd. I'd be livid if my ex's partner behaved in this way and I'd be having (calm) words with both of them, away from the kids, in order to discuss it. I think she is jealous. Plain and simple. The ex dh sounds stuck in the middle of it and the kids, poor things, are "living it".

Op, you simply must get to the bottom of this ASAP.

I think there is a lot of witch hunting going on over whether the OP's children's SM "loves" them. I'm not saying I agree with all or many of her actions in any way but maybe she is struggling under the weight of her husband proclaiming that she must "love" his children when actually she doesn't.

Just a thought.

I struggle to love my own child at times - its taken me almost six years to develope a really deep love for her... I'm hardly likely to love someone else's child just because I love her Dad... Particularly when she has many traits to her personality that I absolutely detest. When we started out I convinced myself that i was going to love her unconditionally and be her mother figure when her mum wasn't around (which is exactly what I hoped for from my DD's SM too) but since I have been more honest with myself, and others, I am actually a far better SM for not trying to be Mrs Walton.

Oh I don't think the SM should have to love her SK's. But she shouldn't be vile to them.

You really really need to speak to your Ex again and you will have to tell him exactly what the children have said, I also think it might be a good idea for the children to tell their dad as clearly this woman is upsetting them and as she is doing it out of earshot of your Ex she is bullying them. They are children it is not their job to try and keep her or anyone happy

But her partner seems to be expecting her to.. by proclaiming it to OP. I'm just putting the slant on it that maybe she is wobbling under the weight of having to "love" these kids and if it was reduced she could find a healthy middle-ground.

I do think you should take your children to see their dad and have SM there in the room and get all this out in the open. It is a good opportunity for them to learn about standing up for themselves and shows them that their Mum is righ tbehind them but isn't going to fight their battles.
It will also serve to bring the SM out from behind the curtains and it to real ife for you, OP.

I do think you should also try and balance some things here. I know my stepkids say things about their mother's home that are likely an exaggeration or being overdramatic. They also on occasion in the past have said things that were untrue. They repeat things out of context. I am not necessarily saying that this is what is happening all the time with your kids, but young children do often do this and dont talk in a balanced way about what happened during a visit. e.g. how was your weekend? it rained all the time (when actually it may have rained just for the last half hour!). I am a stepmum and we used to have separate clothes at our house for the children because the (few) clothes their mother used to send over were too small, too dirty or just not suitable for some things we used to do on the weekend. We do have different rules in our house. Their mother doesnt approve but then we dont run our home the way she does hers (nor would we want to), but it's not our business frankly.
Stepmothers get a bad press and, I am sorry to say this, but some mothers do not help. My ex's DH will tell anyone willing to listen that I am a bitter barren scheming person who wants to take her kids away from her because I cant have any of my own. Nothing could be further from the truth and she KNOWS it but hates the fact that I never wanted to have children but that one of those stepchildren chose to come and live with us!
I never was the OW by the way, DH's ex cheated on him and I came along later. In the meantime her relationship split up, she begged my (now) DH to take her back, he said no, and she's still on her own.
Her bitterness and anger is clearly directed at me and she has spent the last 10 years telling the SKs all sorts of lies about me which they now realise are false.
Please do not flame stepmothers. We do our best and as others have mentioned, we are flamed if we "love" the kids (I dont "love" mine but do care for them) and are flamed if we dont.

No one is flaming step mothers as a whole, this [the OPs situation] is a very specific set of circumstances and is not about step mums in general.

As it has been presented in the OP this SMs behavior is not defendable, possibly understandable? but wrong all the same and saying its wrong isnt 'flaming' step mums.

As much as step mums sometimes do get a bad press, for every 'step mums are evil' post on here there will be one saying how inept as a parent and bitter the Mum/EXW is!

She sounds so cruel.

I can bearly read your posts for crying OP.
Not allowing a little girl
To bring a comforter all the way to America away from her mummy.

I think she sounds unhinged actually. But any woman who can hook up with a man whose wife is PG isn't going to be kind is she?

Good evening all, just a reminder of our talk guidelines - and also reminder that if there's one thing we could all do with, it's some moral support
Thanks
MNHQ

I'm still wondering how on earth the OP deals with it though, as it sounds the children act one way with her and another with the SM.

I'm still struggling what would make two kids cuddle a woman they don't like over a woman they love if they don't want to. Maybe I'm missing something. I certainly would never expect my step kids to stay with me (at whatever age) if their mum was about unless there was a specific agreement (I was driving them somewhere etc, their mum was off elsewhere)

I'm am NOT saying the OP doesn't have a valid point, but it doesn't make it at all easy to deal with.

Kerryblue - your post about how the family unit 'divides' between the houses makes a lot of sense - and hence the confusion for your DD.
I've found reading your story quite hard, both as a SM and a SC...my SM is pretty awful, but as my parents separated when I was an adult, thankfully I've never had to live with her - but I think she also suffers from the wish that the life my Dad had prior to meeting her would just vanish - and I suspect from what you say the OW in your situation would also like to re-write history and continues with her own narrative of 'now' which is exclusive of nuisance facts such as you for instance...
Best wishes with the counselling.

Well I wasn't going to come back but I couldn't resist a peep and I am glad to see that MN have noticed the way this SM is being demonised on this thread. She has been called "a nutjob" "a psycho" "a mean bully" now she is being called "cruel" and "unhinged" oh and not forgetting the man who want to stick a knife in her stomach. I have been called disgusting and received insulting posts from women who are not SPs. I have started a new thread and am glad to see that there is a great deal of agreement that it is in the main only SMs who can understand the mixed range of emotions that SP causes.

I imagine that the DCs are a constant reminder to their SM of the role she played in the breakdown of their parents marriage - I have no doubt she feels guilty and the OPs dignity throughout no doubt makes it even harder for SM to deal with.

OP - could you perhaps use this as a way of talking to your ex, if it doesn't stick in your throat too much? He may be so caught up in his own guilt that it hasn't occurred to him that his DW may be struggling with her own feelings of self-loathing?

It doesn't excuse her behaviour for a second, but an explanation may be the first step in tackling it and protecting your DCs

Hi all,

In NO WAY whatsoever am I flaming stepmothers in general. Lots of my friends are stepmothers, bloody good ones at that. That is NOT my intention for this thread.

My issue is the effect this particular sm is sometimes, yes sometimes, having on my dc. I do not believe she is all bad. I do believe that she loves them. There are however, certain aspects of her behaviour that I believe to be not normal. I wanted opinions from other stepmothers about these things. I am not a stepmum myself, therefore I have no idea about the realities of being one. But when your dc are telling you upon every return from there house about things that have been said or done, or things they have been made to do, from as early as 4-5 years of age, and dd is in tears about a lot of this stuff, then I make no apology in having issue with this sm.

But, Kerry, I will say again: Have you never said to them: I will do anything and everything in my power to protect you and change what is happening, but when you hug her etc., and ignore me, It's very hard for me to them talk to your dad about you not liking her.

Why not empower your children to IGNORE AND AVOID people who are not nice to them. You wouldn't ask them to be nice to a child who bullied them, so why an adult?

If she does not treat them the way they (and you) wish they were treated, pull back from her. Do not hug, do not hold hands, do not do any of that.

As I said, I am a SM and a mum. Have been a SM for well over a decade, and I simply can't get my head around why you would allow them to hug her and sideline you and then come home and tell a totally different story. Something does not add up.

oohlordylordy but you're probably a nice stepmum. If the children feel insecure about their place in their father's house then I don't find it that surprising.

Think about kids with attachment issues, they often look very sociable and outgoing and friendly and will happily cuddle anyone. What you see doesn't reflect what is going on inside (unless you know what to look for).

Nananina- this thread isn't about how the sm is feeling, it is about the fact she is upsetting the children and how the OP deals with that when her ex isn't really willing to listen.

I am glad to see that MN have noticed the way this SM is being demonised on this thread

Really? I didnt see that in their very short post at all! The SM in the OP is not here as a poster so why would MNHQ notice what was being said about an un named person?!