My kids really don't like their stepmum

[Kerryblue]

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun.

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

Thanks for the reply NanaNina

I dont doubt that she has made a mess of her life and yes what you've written does indeed consitute 'making a mess' in my book, but my point was, do you seriously think that your part in her troubled childhood had no part?

Im not saying that you were 100% responsible because that would be silly, she had 2 parents and 2 step parents so no one person could be to 'blame'

I just dont believe that a child doesnt pick up on being disliked. lots of people on this website have spoken about childhood experiences and its very clear that stuff like that does have an effect.

I know from previous posts of yours that you are a former social worker and TBH im a little bit surprised that you can be so certain that your SD was unaffected by your feelings towards her when you would know how much a child can be affected by how their parents/caregivers are towards them.

@Kerry, I haven't read the rest of the posts but could you demand some family therapy as your children are so unhappy. That way it can't be perceived as being 'about you'.

It sound like you have worked hard to maintain a v successful relationship with your exh, but if he is actually refusing to listen to your concerns despite knowing you are not bitter etc, then he is being a complete dick tbh.

Also, the step mother does need 'some' say in her own home, but could it not be about such big things that are upsetting your children?

From oohlordylordy Thu 26-Apr-12 18:04:59 "But why - when she is there - would they cuddle HER and not YOU?"

This is really common. If children are anxious about an attachment, especially with someone who makes them feel nervous and on edge, they will do everything to appear to be behaving 'correctly'. They can only relax and be themselves when they are back with their Mum, the OP. It's like children testing boundaries with people they trust.

I agree that family mediation is the thing to do here. It should give everyone a voice, and just as importantly, it could give your ex H a way to deal with this without having to feel caught in the middle.

But the children are going to have to address that bforewot the OP can, because otherwise it's far too easy to write the OP off as a crock. I am not commenting on the Op or The SM, but if the children won't say what they feel to their dad, their mum has an uphil battle

As he isn't prepared to listen I agree that family therapy would be a way forward. You can say that your children are very unhappy and you all need to get together and find out what's at the root of it.

Or something. I don't actually know how family therapy works when divorced. Ideally you need to sort something out with you both onside and working together to protect the children

The children quite possibly cant say what they feel to their dad though.

It is not the childrens fault. they are not doing it wrong in feeling that way if thats how they feel.

Does anyone else think my post to nananina was insulting? Blunt possibly but a reflection on your story.

Im not sure what you mean by someone like ME!? What sort of person am i then in your opinion? And what's with the username insults? All a bit childish.

This is very sad and very tricky. I hope it gets sorted. :)

Nananina, from reading your more recent long post it doesn't sound to me like she has a reckless nature, but incredibly low self esteem to have ended up in such awful relationships. They were abusive, you realise that don't you? Since when are the victims of abusive relationships blamed for it? And you were a social worker . . .

Being unable or unwilling to protect her children indicates some serious problems there. Its horrendous but our childhood largely makes us what we are. You were there, being jealous of her, a child, picking on her (as you say) to make yourself feel better.

Age has very little to do with it. I am not a stepparent and wasn't when i was in my early 20s like you, but i would never have behaved like you.

Oh and I became a step parent at 21 so age has fuck all to do with it !

Im not the perfect parent nananina, not by a mile but i take responsibility for that. I don't blame my children for the aspects of their personalities that i find difficult. Instead i look at how i can improve. I ask opinions on here, i read parenting books, I've had counselling and will hopefully soon be doing cbt for my temper and shoutyness . . .

But looking at your posts you don't take enough responsibility. Its all, i was young, i was poor. And also blaming her, the child, with - she was difficult, she wouldn't eat her dinner, she wouldn't enjoy her presents, she told lies, she sulked.

You even use her personal issues now as an adult to justify your actions when she was a child, rather then thinking that perhaps she makes the choices she does as an adult BECAUSE of her life then as a child.

I also don't think you specifically, can judge your step daughter too much for choosing her abusive partner over her children. Who knows what situation she was in, although nothing would make me do that. But when you look at your own life you did the same, you chose your husband over your son who he was always picking on and having a go at. She learnt it from you as one of her role models in life. Emotional abuse is no better than the physical abuse suffered by the children of your step daughter.

Amberleaf I am certain that I said in my OP or one of the posts that whilst I never showed my feelings or behaved badly to my SD I knew that she would pick up my negativity as children do. Also I have neversaid or implied that M was unaffected by my feelings towards her, and I'm sure she was affected to a greater or lesser extent. However I still think that her mother failed to give her the love and care that a child needs, as M spent the majority of her childhood with her and her SD. At the risk of repeating myself I understand far more now about what lay beneath M's behaviour, that I didn't understand at the time. However we cannot put the clock back.

I firmly believe that behaviour is a product of experience and we become the adults that we are on the basis of the sort of childhood that we have. I couldn't have been a sw for 30 years and not have believed that. I have never seen an abused/neglected child whose parents had been similarily ill treated in their childhood.

I did say that we were not in contact with M at the moment and it is for a very serious reason (though letters are allowed) so I will leave you to guess the circumstances. My son (who is the same age) is writing to her and she is saying some very positive things about the holidays she had with us as a child and how much she loved our animals etc., so that is good.

And as far as the future is concerned...........who knows?

Kerry

Sorry, I don't have time to read through the thread, so I may be repeating something here. Could your DCs talk to their dad about the problems, especially the fact that so much is said behind his back? Would he listen to them?

Sorry as this thread has got distracted by insulting posts to me and me trying to defend myself. I do notice a lot of posts are talking about family therapy, and I can't see how this is the way forward. Firstly it would be very costly though I am sure there are practitioners who would offer such a service. At the risk of being insulted again, I thing the SM would feel very threatened by this and would refuse to take part. Also I think it would be a very difficult thing for the children to do. No matter how skilled a therapist, it is not easy for children to be honest, especially as they don't like telling their dad, and they would be expecte to voice their concerns directly to the SM. A very big ask.

I'm not sure what the answer is but so many posters think the SM is evil etc and can only see it from one angle. I do wonder how many of these posters
are actually step parents. I don't think it is than unusual a situation and it could be (though not necessarily) that the children are exaggerating. The SM is clearly very emotionally immature and insecure (hence the teddy bear thing) and is trying to draw strict demarcation lines between when the kids are with her and their dad, and when they are with their mom. I did notice in one post the OP referred to the SM as a "bitch" and whilst I can understand this, I think it does show the age old problem of a convaluted mixture of emotions in step parening situations, where all the parties suffer.

Step parenting isn't natural. Animals don't do it. In fact the lion will kill the young of the lioness with whom he wishes to mate, to preserve his gene pool. NOT that I'm advocating this of course.

I will now bow out, but I'm left wondering why people who are not involved in step parenting are on these threads. I have posted before and given details of my own situation and have often enabled others to share their feelings about their skids amongst the only people who understand (those who are personally involved).

Bye then !

I wasn't envisaging the stepmother taking part in family therapy to begin with. She has to sort herself out really. If she feels threatened by an outsider looking at the family functioning then well, all the more reason to get the chikdren help quickly. More I was thinking the children need a space to be able to talk openly with both of their parents. I can't see having th stepmother in the room would be remotely helpful to them.

OP - do you think the children would agree to be recorded talking to you about it, to pass onto your ex. Somehow your ex needs to take his wife's behaviour on board.

Or perhaps tell the children anytime they don't want to go you won't force them, and write a letter to your husband saying this. Maybe that puts too much pressure on the kids though .

There isn't an easy answer. Perhaps you need to write or say to your ex very bluntly 'ok I understand you don't want to hear this, but I'm not particularlyinterested in your relationship with your wife, that's your concern. However the children are upset when visiting and this is what they have told me . As their mother I cannot ignore what us being said, and it would be negligent of me to do so. How you sort this is up to you, but I will continue to feedback concerns to you until they are happy again. Your children love you and want to see you but at the moment they are finding visits when sm is there very difficult'.

Nananana - I don't think you need to be a step parent to understand how difficult the kids are finding this situation. It's not about the stepmother, she's a grown up who knowingly shacked up with someone with kids and if she can't cope with that needs to find herself some therapy and take responsibility for her feelings.This thread is about the children she is damaging and how the OP protects her children, whilst her husband isn't onside.

Oh, good grief!

Without getting embroiled, I would like to reassure the OP (and anyone else who may still be reading) that child/youth counselling and family therapy for separated families are available in many areas at no cost

Everyone in our 'blended family' has benefited from additional support of some form; counselling, separated parent workshops, mediation - they have all played a part in helping us come to terms with the situation DP and i have chosen for us all.

Some of the support we have received has been aimed at both separated parents - and although DPs exW and my exH refused to attend, it has still made a huge difference to our family - so even if the SM in this case refuses to get involved in suitable therapy - the DC's will still benefit

op this woman sounds awfull.

i would talk to her directly not through the kids or ex dh tell her what you know about what is happening, and see what she has to say.

if she continues being horrid i would then go to ex dh and tell him you can only see your children on his own as she is abusive.

this woman is a nasty piece of work, she knowingly had an affair with a married man and now cant cope with the children that have come with the package.

for your dc's sake please dont let this continue. they will be damaged emotionally by her.

Yes I have to admit that musing on it I wondered whether Scarlett's approach would be the one to take as your dh won't listen.

Wow, I thought this thread would go quiet after I said I was waiting for ex to call! Well, he still hasn't called back, but that's OK.

Just to clarify a few points. When I asked him the other day about the babies and dd's' claim that she 'is trying to be mummy' he made it absolutely clear to me that in no way is she trying to do this. She has never wanted kids of her own and never does, the pregnancy that resulted in mc was unplanned and although obviously upsetting for her (understandably), has not meant that she wants to ttc another.

I genuinely think though that when they are together they are that family unit iyswim. This is to such a degree that me, their SD, their twin siblings, their clothes, the way they behave here are kind of dismissed and just not taken into account. I'm probably not explaining it very well, but there does not seem to be a 'fluid' transition between our households. It is very much our rules, and theirs, and I think the dc find it hard to know how to act (particularly dd) when members of both families are present. It's like they have different roles to play and when they coincide, for eg, at a school production when all the adults are there, they don't know how to act.

ex is adamant the the sm loves the children. She has known them since they were tiny and I don't think she has the same feelings towards them as nana did to hers. I know she found it hard sharing ex with the children at the beginning and he told me at that time of many rows about it. This has obviously now been resolved.

I am definitely going to approach PCAHMS. I am sure this will help dd with both coming to terms with the fact that her parents have split up and also gives her an outlet to express her feelings about sm to someone not directly involved.