My kids really don't like their stepmum

[Kerryblue]

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun.

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

And the SM in the OP is also downright disgusting, these are CHILDREN ! FFS is the SM about 12 or something as she is behaving as if she is...The op is showing all the qualities a parent should, calmness, consideration and at the fore front her concern for the children involved.

I'd like to think I'm an OK SM. Not great, not terrible. Keep an eye out for them, have the occasional benefit, but not someone the children would have chosen to have in their life (or ExW for that matter). Gets easier over time. I have made some mistakes... In fact, when trying to be a good SM it's easier to get it wrong: I used to take my DSDs out for mothers day / ExW birthday / christmas and have them make gifts for her. I thought I was being kind. It took probably 5 years before she finally unleashed her fury that all her presents were made with ME (she hates me). Does this make me a bad person? I certainly misread the situation. But I did it with the very best of intentions. Should my DH done more? Probably... but I think he was running blind too.

Were my DSDs going back and saying something different to their mum? Actually, probably. I think they learned early on they could say what the hell they wanted and get away with it.

I have - in the last 5-6 really detached. I refuse to make a decision for my DSDs or my DH when it is related to my DSDs. It is up to them to sort it out with their parents. I will help out as and when asked (I will pick up / drop off / arrange stuff etc) but I will not make decisions.. and you know, we've all been a lot better since that happened,

But wisdom only comes with time and it took us all a while to get there.

it is easy to not listen to a phone call.

It is harder to ignore your carefully written letter. I urge you to write to your ex.
You need to keep a diary of what your children tell you so as to be as precise as possible in any letter.

Good luck.

Oh I do love a good bunfight on the SP board. Particularly when its not from the OP (as most posters have offered some good advice) but from folk who are incapable of putting their point across without resorting to personal attacks. It really does give an edge of credibility to their posts that just wouldn't be there otherwise. No, really!

I always read the posts to myself in a squeaky voice so I can fully imagine how high the pants of the poster have been hoiked as they shared their indignation.

"I have - in the last 5-6 really detached. I refuse to make a decision for my DSDs or my DH when it is related to my DSDs. It is up to them to sort it out with their parents. I will help out as and when asked (I will pick up / drop off / arrange stuff etc) but I will not make decisions.. and you know, we've all been a lot better since that happened,"

Yes and that's why I suggested the OP approach this with a 'I don't really care how you sort this out, that's not my concern, but I do feel that I would be failing in my duty as a mother if I didn't tell you'

Really it's for the ex to sort out with his wife, not the OP's territory at all, but communicating that her children are telling her they are upset is.

I must admit to some disquiet at the very detailed and intimate posts on here about family dynamics/demographics.

I wouldn't be too complacent about anonymity on this board.

Especially as some posters claim to have health/social care backgrounds.

saintly I think you've missed the point - it is the SM who should step back - the OP is rightly trying to parent her own DCs with her ex, and he has, by accident or design, deferred some of that responsibility onto his DW.
As a mum and a step-mum, I do not believe it is the SM place to parent .

Lordylordy - I get what you are saying.

I have, of course, encouraged the dc to 'be true to themselves'. I say it a lot. I say to them to just get up in the morning and wear whatever they want to wear. I say to them to ask daddy/tell daddy stuff in her presence. I made ds promise me that if the food thing happened again, they would ignore her request and choose the meals they want - despite her request for them not to.

I really do encourage them to do this. But I am not there and they are who they are. They do what they have to do.

About the hugging in front of me. When dd was 3, we swapped children at an airport so that they could go off on holiday with ex and sm. I was holding dd's hand and then we spotted them. When she saw us, SM crouched down and held out both arms for dd to run into. DD looked questioningly at me, it was like she didn't know what to do. Luckily, we were in a car park so I made sure she held hands with me all the way, but even then, I remember thinking it was just so wrong for sm to do that.

I can tell the dc until I'm blue in the face that it is OK to show me affection in front of her, but for some reason, they find it really, really hard. What else can I do. I cannot drag them off her when they do it.

My dh has kind of taken the same approach as you lordy. It works really well. He has never, ever claimed to be 'daddy'. They have their daddy.

Nana.

As I have said, the intention of this thread was never to 'demonise' sm's. In fact, having read some threads on this board before posting, I honestly thought I would get the flaming. The BM, nine times out of ten, seems to be the demon!

It is, however, a 'step-parentING' board and this situation involves a step parent.

Whilst reading the comments, I have no idea who is a step parent and who is not. I am not a regular on this board. It was, however, interesting to get different perspectives, which was the whole point of posting.

I know my dc have not been 'boiled in a vat of oil' - they do however, tell me about stuff that is said and done that does not sit right with me. THAT is what this is all about.

I also get that some step parents might not like their step children. That is totally understandable. I have no wish that this sm either loves them or does not love them. She doesn't have to, just because they are in her life. But if she chooses to, then all well and good because then my dc are happy.

My point is, she claims to love them. I especially think she is fond of dd because she has been in her life since she was 1 year old. So how come she can get so bloody cross when dd wants to take a teddy away? I truly don't understand that.

Is it is because she is jealous of me, as has been suggested on this thread, and also by my rl friends? Does she not want anything related to this home impacting on their holiday? Is she pissed off that dd favours that teddy over one from their home? I don't know.

Why the hell she might be jealous I have no idea. She was the one that got my dh after all.

I am sorry this thread has gone this way, I am glad you have started your own.

No I haven't missed the point, I just see some similarities. SM's shouldn't get involved in the nitty gritty of parenting the sk's and OP has to somehow tackle this with her ex without getting involved in his marriage.

My advice is simply to present it with a big boundary that says I'm not getting involved in your marriage my concern is solely that our children are unhappy - you sort it.

Just a SM should have a big boundary that sets her role with the SK's.

It's just about boundaries and things being easier if they are understood.

Which crouching hands down arms open in front of their mother suggests the SM is lacking (boundaries).

The crouching down arms open thing sounds like insecurity to me. Totally inappropriate.

i have just been away for quite a while. my dd1 hasnt seen her friends for ages. she was seeing them every day (yup 7 days) so knew their parents as well. when we got back, she got welcoming hugs from quite a few of them and yes that including big welcoming arms... i didnt think it was a sign of lacking boundries or inappropriate, I just thought they missed her.

but you see, here is the rub... you may have been in my shoes and seen the greeting DD1 received as totally inappropriate. If I had felt that way, then I would have said something. So, did you say something? It clearly made you feel uncomfortable. It sounds like it made your DD feel uncomfortable. So, rather than stewing over it, I hope you said something.

OP, Is the stepmum from NYC? I got a bit confused. If so, this could be just a big cultural difference. Really! I live in NY and it's a whole different breed of mum!!

The crouching down thing arms outstretched sounds like she saw a clip of Princess Di once.

TBH, OP I think you're being far too nice here. Your ex brought this woman into their lives in an incredibly destructive way - having an affair with her when you were pregnant with the youngest. You've done everything in your power to maintain cordial relations in order to maintain a stable structure amongst the adults. However that only works when people are behaving decently to the children involved. Instead your dc's stepmother is bullying them, with the approval of your ex. He is equally if not more culpable in this, as he has brought her into their lives, and refuses to see what she is doing to them. I also agree with whoever said upthread that it is odd that he has passed so much of the childcare and decision making on to her, and basically washed his hands of it. What does he think his duties as a father actually are?

I think you should seriously be considering how you are going to protect your dcs, because this isn't going to get any better once your children are older and can start standing up for themselves. That sort of behaviour from children with people who abuse them usually invites retaliation (it's probably why they show her all that affection, because they're scared of what she'll do when they don't).

Please stand up for your children here, and if it becomes a process that has to end up in court then so be it. But someone needs to be protecting them both. It's why they've told you, because they need you to find a way to help them.

The out stretched arms to me are saying "come to me, away from your mum". That's why i find it inappropriate.

If you didn't let go off your daughter she must have looked pretty silly crouched there!

I always read the posts to myself in a squeaky voice so I can fully imagine how high the pants of the poster have been hoiked as they shared their indignation

I just tried that Keema it made very interesting reading, - bit tricky to do the shouty bit in a squeaky voice but fun all the same.

Calling people disgusting and shouting doesn't really add much to the discussion does it.

Its a shame as there's been some good advice and support on this thread.

I'm confused Kerry, the sm is hateful to the children but then why the outstretched arms thing? My personal experience with my dsd when she was 9,10,11 is that she was very affectionate with me when mum wasn't there but when her mum was there she wouldn't show me any affection at all. Sometimes I'd forget myself and go to hug her and she would do the "check" look with her mum who clearly had a confused face as had never seen us be affectionate and do in order not to upset her mum she would pull back and leave me with the outstretched arms feeling like a twat.
On the reverse, if my dd hasn't seen her am for a while shell rush off in to her arms without giving me so much as a glance, same as she would if she greeted her gran or best friend. I LOVE that she is deciding on the level of affection she gives people rather than just doing what anyone else thinks she should.
I can't comment on what was going through your daughters head but wanted to give my experience.
Have you thought about sitting down with sm, ex and the kids and getting all this out in the open? It seems like the only way you'll get to the bottom of it all short of hiding a camera in their house

Bloody iPhone "seen her SM" not "am"

wicked We knew what you meant!

Keema Calling people disgusting and shouting doesn't really add much to the discussion does it. . . . No you are right, but I don't find it ok to tell other people that they can't post as they are not qualified. As soon as I posted a criticism of Nana she leapt to the "are YOU a SM?" She doesn't say that to those who agree with her of course!

As it is I am not a step mum but my brother is a step dad and my closest friend is a step mum so it's not like I have no experience of this whatsoever. Even if I didn't, I don't think it's fair to tell someone that they shouldn't post.

If I start a thread I don't check the qualifications of those posting before choosing where or not to accept their opinion.

Poopoo.... I get what you're saying but, before I was a sm, I thought all I had to do was welcome my 3 steps, be kind, love their dad, not come over too strong and all motherly, as I wasn't trying to be a second mum to them and it'd all work out ok.

Nothing could have prepared me for the unfounded dislike and resentment I got from one of them. Oh, and you asked me a while back...... She's 18.

Eliza. Oh yes i can completely imagine what a bloody difficult job it is! Absolutely! I've seen how others have struggled around me and the problems they have faced. I've never for a minute thought it would be easy!