My kids really don't like their stepmum

[Kerryblue]

I am sorry if I am posting this in the wrong place. I just don't know where is best and I suppose I could do with some opinions.

I have 2 dc from my 1st marriage - ds nearly 11 and dd 8. They go to their dad's every other weekend (ish - we are very flexible) and every wednesday night. We split when ds was 3 and dd 6 months, so a long time ago and dd has never known it any different. He left me (he actually told me he was going to leave when I was 7 months pregnant) for her - now his wife. I am also now remarried with dt's.

Despite everything, me and ex dh are very good friends. There is NO animosity between us, we are flexible with visits, I have absolutely no interest in being bitter and angry, I will do my utmost to make sure my kids know they are truly loved by us both, and he feels the same. They adore him and love spending time with him.

However, on numerous occasions I hear really bad stuff from them about their stepmum. She has always been quite strict with them (fair enough) but I am sure some things are just not normal?

For eg, she tells them what to wear every day they are there. She will lay out their clothes for them. This weekend just gone she went away on sat morning and actually told dd what to wear on sunday. They are not allowed to wear their clothes from home and sometimes have to get changed back into their school uniform in the car on sunday evening when returning home (if they went there straight from school). In 7.5 years I have only ever seen about 2/3 outfits of theirs from that house.

She will gently tell them to go upstairs to get out of their PJ's and then follow them 2 mins later in order to tell them off about something, out of daddy's earshot.

They have been made to be extremely fearful of going to the loo in the night - dd tells me she tiptoes into the bathroom, puts the toilet seat leaning on her back so as not to make a noise and 'stop starts' her wee in order not to wake her up.

A fun thing that ex dh does with them occasionally is let them chose what they want to eat one meal - literally anything, sweets, crisps, whatever! It is a fun thing they do maybe twice a year but on sat morning at the airport she took them to one side and told them it wasn't fair on daddy to have to make 3 meals so make sure they only choose one. Deflated children who instantly loose the feeling of fun.

I could go on really. And like ds said last night 'it is lots of really small, some medium things that happen but when you add them all up it's really big'. And then between sobs he said into his pillow 'I wish she would just go away, I wish she would just stay in New York'.

dd said she wishes that in the first place we had never split up (obviously) but the second best situation would be that he had married someone 'kind'.

Last night she was literally wailing about her, bought on I think by the fact that they have had a really fun and lovely weekend with just daddy.

Please, what can I do? I feel so sad for them that they are so torn. They obviously want to see daddy but just wish she wasn't there. I hasten to add that I have spoken about it to ex dh about it only a couple of times because I really don't want to seem a bitter iyswim. And that conversation only came about because dd had refused to go to his for the first time one weekend because she claimed that stepmum had hit her for turning on her bedside light so she could retrieve a toy.

I can talk to him again, but apart from leaving her, which of course is ridiculous, what can he do? Alot of stuff is said to them without him even knowing.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like a lioness in need of protecting her cubs, but really don't know how

Wicked the arms outstretched thing was done in public. It would have far more meaning done in private. It puts the step child in a difficult position because it expects a particular reciprocal response. I'm not surprised a child would find it difficult not respond - that's a clear snub.

The situations I was referring to were in public too, in the main.

My point really is that the actions set up a particular expected response - it's no surprise that a young child (particularly if totally unsure of her sm's feelings) then provides the expected response.

The public stuff I meant about the step mother. Lots of people are nice as pie in public, while being vile behind closed doors. Arms outstretched she's showing the world what a living sm she is. Doesn't mean she does the same when there's no audience.

Very true jimjams...

It's all a bit farfetched and disney though isn't it... I don't know about anyone else but I am actually picturing cruella dville!!!!

It is plain to see that what OP needs to do is have her children discuss this with their dad and SM and for her to be present so she can prompt them. Then eerything can come out in to the open. I can't see another solution.

Yes, but Dad has to listen. I also think it might be easier for the kids to speak if the SM isn't there, at least initially. I would like to think kids can open up, Dad can take it on board, Dad can feedback to SM that she has been 'misunderstood' and SM can tone it down a bit.

But that does rely on Dad and SM taking on board some criticism.

Do let us know how you get on OP, hope it works out.

She absolutely has to be there... It is all about her and her actions, what is the point in talking about it while she is absent!? So the dad can nod and smile and then control which parts the sm hears?

The point would be to get the kids to open up to their dad. How do you expect them to do that if the SM is there? It's a delicate situation and one that would be best dealt with without putting the kids 'on the spot'. The op could maybe discuss the situation with her ex and his wife 1st if that would make things better for the SM but I don't think having a big meeting with SM there initially will help. The point of this is to help those kids and make sure their dad is aware of what's been going on, and how it affects them. It's not a witch hunt, and hopefully once the dad is aware and has actually listened to the kids, things will improve overall. The dad needs to hear what those kids are dealing with, and I would anticipate the kids would clam up or feel intimidated if the SM is there for that talk. It's just one of those things the SM in this case will have to accept, given the circumstances. Not an easy situation for all concerned but it's important those kids get to be heard so that things don't continue the way they have been.

Agree with banana. I don't see that the SM being there will enable them to open up at all. The children need to be listened to by their father first of all. Nothing can happen until he listens.

He'll sit there and nod and smile then either not confront her, or laugh about it with her. How you can have a conversation about a situation without the pivotal person being present is beyond me.
SM will feel ganged up on and Dad will feel torn, and SM will get whatever version Dad wants to give or what he thinks he's heard. Bizarre.

Well nothing will happen if the children won't tell their father, or he won't listen to OP.

Eventually maybe the SM could be involved, but as both children seem frightened of her I can't see that they're going to feel able to spill the beans in front of her. Most adults can't face to face tell someone that they're frightened of them or feel bullied by them (thinking of work situations).

If adults can't do that then it's because they weren't enabled to as chldren IMO.

If Dad delivers the story to SM in private he could manipulate it, play it down, ridicule it - and crucially, SM gets to manipulate her reaction in a private moment between husband and wife.

If it's all done out in the open then he can see her reaction. The children will know that all parenting is out in the open and there are no secrets. If they are nervous to talk they could write everything down and Mum could read it out.

I'd be livid if DH, DSDand her Mum had a secret meeting about me without me present. It's bonkers.

It's not bonkers at all to talk about the abuser when the abuser isn't present.

She's been intimidating them. If she hadn't, they wouldn't be too scared to speak up in the first place.

wicked, it doesn't have to be a 'secret' meeting. The OP could meet with and speak to both her ex and the SM to talk about what the DC's have been saying, and see both her ex and the SM's reactions to that information before involving the children. The SM could easily wait elsewhere while the OP and her ex sit down with the DCs, SM knowing exactly what is going on. That won't be a pleasant experience for her I'm sure, but I really don't see how the SM being there will help those DCs to open up to their dad. We all know how children react when put in a spot, no matter what the scenario. Very few, if any at all, will open up under the circumstances you are suggesting. You cannot seriously expect the SM in this situation to be there when the OP has to encourage the children to speak about what's been going on. They are children, not seasoned teenagers with an axe to grind.

Agree with Nyac.

They have made it clear they are worried about the SM hearing what has been said. Why on earth would they say what they thought of her in front of her?

Damn it- Keep writing long posts and they disappear. In short, yes a conversation could happen first between the three adults - but the important thing is that it happens with SM there - chinese whispers are just ridiculous, particularly in seperated families.

I wouldnt trust the Dad to deliver the message properly, and if he isn't aware of what is happening then what is the point? He'd have to go to his wife for the reply, then deliver it back to OP, then she'd have to deliver it to the kids and then back it would go... mental.

His wife doesn't have to reply. She's not really the issue here.

The issue is why isn't the children's father protecting them from bullying from a woman that he has brought into their lives. And what's he going to do about it, now it's been brought up with him.

If DD revealed something about her SM that caused me concern, I would deal directly with exH, not his stbDW.

As a mum, I trust my exH to put his family needs first (including DD); if the OP doesn't trust her ex to do this, then that is the issue that needs addressing first. That doesn't mean that I expect my ex to see things the way I do; but I trust that he would listen to DD point of view, and if he was concerned about the issue she raised, then I trust him to do something about it, not brush it under the carpet to avoid making waves with his stbDW.

In my role as a SM, I would neither expect or welcome an invitation to sit down with DP and his exW, with or without the DSC, to deal with an issue that they have with me.
I trust my DP to prioritise our family (which includes the DSC) - and if he spoke to me about an issue after speaking to his DC's and his exW, then I know that it would be because he wanted things to change - not just something he was doing to keep his ex happy.

So he just believes it all with no investigation? Jesus if my dh believed everything his ex wife and daughter said about me he would be losing out now.

I don't think op trusts her ex husband in that way from what she has said

So he just believes it all with no investigation? Jesus if my dh believed everything his ex wife and daughter said about me he would be losing out now.

Not at all but, if your DSD made an accusation against you, I hope that her dad would listen to her, and decide what to do himself, rather than just do what either his exW or you tell him to do

Oh god yes absolutely. He would (and has) confronted me about things they've said. But he is a good man and told me exactly what was said in a way that was respectful of his ex and his dd. I get the impression from op that she wouldn't trust her ex to do that which is why u think sm needs to hear it first hand.

I get the impression from op that she wouldn't trust her ex to do that which is why u think sm needs to hear it first hand.

As a SM, I would hate it if my DP's ex approached me directly because she didn't trust her ex to talk to me though; it tramples all over relationship boundaries. That is their problem to sort out between them - I don't see why I should be dragged into it because she has trust issues with the person she has DC's with My relationship is with DP - not his exW - and DP is the only person I would engage with about the welfare of his DC's.

That's not to say I don't get what you are saying - it is quite possible that the OP's ex has acquiesced and is being walked all over by his DW, just like his DC's are - but I don't think that the OP confronting the SM directly is the way to go.

I totally understand that in most many cases, communication between separated parents is so awful, and there is so little trust, that the temptation is to bypass the other parent and act directly - but for me, it is a boundary that should never be crossed!

Fair enough NADM, happy to agree to disagree

Wowzers, the am has been thoroughly hung, drawn and quartered in this thread hasn't she? Its really struck a chord with me, after the week we've had with my Hs ex. I've been accused of all sorts, SD is petrified of being left alone with me apparently, I stop her calling her mum, tell her lies, stop her from doing things and constantly tell her off.

The OP has freely admitted that she doesn't like the SM. Something her children will have picked up on. Even if they like the SM they will feel disloyal to mum expressing this around her. Why did the OP stop her daughter expressing affection to the sm at the airport? Its hardly surprising the children are conflicted. They want to please both their parents!

Perhaps the daughter didn't want to take the teddy and so made something up that her mum would 'buy' in order to leave it behind?

I tend to choose my SDs clothes or give her a choice of outfits because her dads is bloody useless at picking outfits (I can provide examples, trust me lol) and I want her to look nice, because she is a beautiful little girl, who should look nice!

Being a steppie is way harder than being a mum (in both) because you never, ever know where you will put a foot wrong next. If I saw my SD in the street, with her mum,should I ignore her, or greet her affectionately like I always do?

[anitablake], that's a very good point. For instance....

My 18 yr old sd has been estranged from her dad and our home for 9 months because, we told her, under no circumstances was she to let her friends use our (marital) bed when they'd drunk too much to go home. Dh and I were away for the weekend. A rare trip, long awaited, as it's hard to get my son to settle at his dads. When we came home, I knew something was different about the "feel" of my bed and found various things in it, not belonging to me. Dirty tissues and hair grips. Sd didn't ask, didn't tell us and didn't change the sheets. I'm funny about things like sharing beds.

This episode has now been distorted by sd in various ways. At Xmas, for example, she was "abandoned" by us. Not true. She and her elder sister were invited. She flatly refused to come. Even so, asked what she'd like as a gift, she replied "I don't want anything". On Xmas day, she came briefly to the door to tearfully say "Merry Christmas" to her dad, and only her dad. I called down a cheery "hi X, Merry Christmas!" at which, she left, got in her mum's car (mum was waiting. ExW doesn't speak to dh. At all) and that was it. Four months later, she accused her dad of "barring her way" and not letting her in. Her elder sister, who spent Xmas with us was confused and annoyed, as she didn't see this. Neither did we. BECEAUSE, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.

Now, if estranged sd told "you" her version, and you had not heard the real version, you'd think "how awful, poor girl" and consider us, dh and sm, to be thoroughly awful people.

ONE STORY'S GOOD........TILL ANOTHER ONE'S TOLD !