if you have DC from a prev relationship, do your in-laws treat those dc differently?

[MistyMountainHop]

wasn't quite sure how to word my op, and hope this is the right place to post it

i have a ds (nearly 6) from a previous relationship, and a DD (nearly 3) with new (ish) DH.

MIL (dh's mum) definitely treats them differently. its just her general attitude towards them, she has an air of indifference to DS and is all over DD. she often babysits for DD but wouldn't ever babysit DS as well. also at christmas, she buys for them both (which is nice she does that) but she spends LOADS on dd and hardly anything on DS :( they are so young at the moment that they probably don't notice or care. but i worry that as they get older they will. i am not being materialistic, if anything i would rather her spend a small amount on both of them as long as its equal.

the ironic thing is my exMIL loves dd like her own, treats them the same and dd calls her "nanna".

if anyone here is in similar circumstances it would be great if you could share your experiences.

Hi, I am in the same type of family you describe but I am the stepmum to the older and mum to the younger. I have the opposite problem with my parents - they take more care with DSS and are as shit with DS as they are with me!

So this year DSS got some lovely gifts and DS got one book.

TBH it makes my blood boil, but my parents are a whole load of issues fun in so many ways.

Next Christmas DS will be old enough to notice and if they do it again we intend to return all the presents and tell them to sort themselves out. I will be providing a list in advance and explaining things need to be equal or don't bother.

In my family the grandparents are very much separate. My parents are my DCs grandparents and DPs parents are the SDCs Grandparents.
DPs parents buy DSC a lot of Christmas/Birthday presents but my sons get £5 each from them. My parents spend lots on my DC but give the steps £5 each.
So it is equal in a way.
None of the DC have ever felt hard done by - it is just the way it is. I think it is lovely of DP's parents to think of my DC, they don't have to.

My MIL started off by saying she would buy our DD something for Christmas but she wouldn't buy my other 2 DC as they already had grandparents . DH told her that she either treated them all the same or she wouldn't be able to see DD on occasions like birthdays or on Christmas Day as she would have to wait for older DC's to be staying at their dads as he didn't want her giving presents to DD in from of other DC's as it wouldn't be fair on them.

She now spends the same on all of them

TBH I don't think she said it to be mean I think she was being tight with money!!

I think if DP and I had a child together then it would be different as both sets of GPs would be buying for the new child so would have to treat all 5 of them the same.

I think you, or preferably dh should tell her how you feel. At 6 your boy will notice any day now

I have a DD with my DH, and two DSCs.

My family sees the DSCs as family.

DH's father and father's wife don't acknowledge DD. Even though she is 'biologically' every bit as much their grandchild as the DSCs. They just didn't want my DH to remarry, I think.

It is infuriating and very sad. It also has caused tension between me and my DH (which thankfully we seem to have risen above now). My DH is obviously not pleased with his father's actions, but we have come (uncertainly) to the conclusion that for a variety of reasons, it is better for us to ignore it and see it as 'their loss' - at least for now.

They treat them exactly the same. I wouldn't have it any other way-I am not having one of my DCs as a second class member of the family. It was never discussed, it just happened.
I would get your DH to make it quite plain to his mother that he has two equal DCs and you are a family of 4. I think it is his job to say that he won't put up with favouritism.
I would get MIL to have DS on her own and let them build a relationship-maybe she hasn't given it much thought.

I don't have any DC from a previous relationship but have a DD with my DH and a DSS and my parents ALWAYS buy for DSS for xmas and birthday and are always really nice to him when they see him which is probably 4 times a year they don't spend loads maybe £20 but u am really greatful to them for doing that they don't have to and TBH they don't get much thanks from DSS for it and I don't imagine he'd notice if they didn't.

My issue is the fact that my MIL doesn't treat DD and DSS the same AT ALL. They are both her bio GC but she treats DD almost like a 'step' GC if thats the right word. She buys anything and everything DSS asks for and has a savings account but doesn't buy anything for DD and no savings. It upsets me but i'm used to it now. My parents fuss over her loads she is their first DGC but it's more of an attention fuss IYSWIM. I stated clearly at the beginning that I don't want her spoilt like DSS by MIL with 'things' just because as I don't think thats right. DSS is becoming over entitled and has no value of money which at 12 I think he should be starting to learn. I'm fighting a losing battle as there is nothing I can do about it.

I can see why GP treat their own GC more favourably than a 'step' GC as for one IME they get to see them more often and it may be their first 'real' GC and TBH I think it's fine on some levels because the Skids will have their 'own' GP to spoil them.

In our family grandparents are very much separate. The DSSs and DD share a grandfather (DP's father), who treats them the same but has a closer relationship with the DSSs because he has spent a lot more time with them than with DD.

My parents are very kind and welcoming to the DSSs but they know that the DSSs have their own maternal grandmother (their grandfather has been dead for ages) whom they see regularly.