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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just out of interest...

19 replies

Heedsgonnabust · 30/10/2011 21:55

How long were you with your partner before you met their children?

I know every relationship is different, and it depends on childrens ages/circumstances...but just looking for a general idea of how other people in the situation I'm in have experienced it..?

Thanks in advance
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OP posts:

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birdofthenorth · 30/10/2011 22:20

I refused to meet DSS til DH & I had been seeing each other for nearly two years!! A bit on the cautious side in retrospect but I wanted to be sure this was a long-term thing before I entered a child's life. DSS was teeny at the time though- older kids understand much more perhaps. I think definitely months rather than weeks is wise but it depends on the childcare split & how practical it is for you & DP to get to know each other in the days he doesn't have the kids

Purpleroses · 30/10/2011 22:21

About 3 months, but he met mine after only a few weeks as the only way to see each other during the week was round at my house in the evenings.

It's a difficult balance - people say "not until you know it's serious" but if the kids are a big part of someone's life, and who they are, then you can't really know if it is serious until you've seen then with their kids.

If the kids are young (under 8 or so) and your DP is a sociable kind of person who sees his friends with his DCs around, then it's easy - you can just meet them as a friend to start with. But once they're old enough to have sussed that a girlfriend is something different and significant then it is harder.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 30/10/2011 22:23

A good year, i think.

But that was more to do with his ex then anything else. DSS was 10 when we got together, but his mother refused to let him go anywhere near me.

mjlovesscareypants · 30/10/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

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TheFeministsZombieBride · 30/10/2011 22:52

Um about a week I think. [hblush] But we were very young at the time (as was DSD - 2.5) and in his defence I was the first girl he'd been with since he'd split from his ex.

eslteacher · 30/10/2011 23:31

I think it was three or four months until we met. And a little while again after that until I started actually staying over on his weekends at his dads.

brdgrl · 31/10/2011 00:13

I met his DD (then 13) when I ran into them accidentally in the street, a couple of days after our third or fourth date. I don't think she really thought anything of it. I was mortified because I looked really rough! I met them (DD and DS who was 11) more 'officially' about three months after we started dating. I didn't stay over at their house for a long time after that. We went away for a weekend together, with the kids, about nine months in, and he and I shared a room then, but I think we'd been together almost a year before I spent the night there.

(My DH is a widower. The kids knew he'd been dating.)

ConstanceTenchOfZombies · 31/10/2011 09:49

Less than a month for us. I had known him and his family for about ten years before he married though. Also he was still in bits about being apart from his children so we didn't really stop to think about whether it was right for them to meet me so soon.

If I were to do it over again I think I would have taken a step back and kept myself at arms length for a lot longer. I think I slipped into a role of carer too soon and this caused no end of problems with jealousy from the ex, and having had children of my own now I can kind of understand it from her point of view. I would hate the idea of some other woman who wasn't family caring for my young children, cutting their food, helping with changing washing their faces and helping them read etc etc etc..

Also over the years as a step parent their are many times when you need to detach detach detach, and this is harder to do I have found when you have done all those years, from very young, of caring for them as a mother would. I feel i have earned the right to be respected in the way they respect their own mother, - but sadly it's not the case.

Readyisknitting · 31/10/2011 10:35

We met at church so the children already knew each other a little from Sunday school. However when we started seeing each other it was a good 4 months before the dcs saw us together, and then it was slowly, a picnic, walk with the dog, and stuff like that together so they felt all was ok.

exoticfruits · 31/10/2011 10:52

Several months and then very slowly.

ladydeedy · 31/10/2011 11:18

I knew him and his kids already through a family connection. However I didnt spend a night at his house when he had kids to stay over until about 9 months in.
Like a previous poster we "knew" straightaway and it was never in doubt from day one that we would be long term. Very strange! We spent our first evening together talking till the early morning about life, our values, his kids, etc. So we got that all straightened out very early on! It was him and the kids as a package.

origamirose · 31/10/2011 13:17

We waited 2 and a half years - children were 9 and 6 at the time. Looking back it was probably a bit too long but only by 6-12 months. Everyone's different but like birdofthenorth I wanted to make sure it was a long-term thing before I got to know the children.

theredhen · 31/10/2011 13:51

We waited about 2 months and then it was a very casual meeting whilst we were at a social gathering. Occassional cups of coffee then followed, gradually moving on to lunch, the afternoon, days out and at home and eventually the overnights. We waited 2 years before living together.

I think there is a fine line between not meeting kids at all and therefore never knowing if your partner is good with your kids or if you are going to like his/her kids. Part of wanting to be with someone long term is to know they are good with your children. If you get attached to someone and then after 2 years introduce them to your kids and they don't get on, it's going to be very difficult to let go and the feeling of "wasting your time" will be very strong.

However, I don't agree when people introduce kids to the latest bit of fluff, only to introduce another one in a few weeks time and the cycle goes on and on. It's not helpful to the kids at all and can be very confusing and it's uneccesary. I have no problem with anyone having a fun "social" life, but keep it away from the kids.

nenevomito · 31/10/2011 13:53

I wasn't introduced to DSD until I'd been with DH for 9 months. I'd seen her around as DH and I had the same circle of friends, but wasn't introduced as his girlfriend.

EMS23 · 31/10/2011 18:44

2.5 years but that was my DH's ex's decision. In that time she introduced my DSS to 3 boyfriends.

kaluki · 01/11/2011 11:51

We met each others dc pretty much straight away, but only said we were friends. I have a lot of male friends anyway so it wasn't unusual.
After a few months my ds told us we should be bf and gf as we were always together and he liked DPs kids so we made out we had taken his advice

Tillyscoutsmum · 01/11/2011 11:55

Pretty much straight away.

berkshirefem · 01/11/2011 15:41

Dated for 3 months (in the real sense of the word ie. once or twice weekly trips out for dinner, cinema etc.) then met each other kids. 2 weeks after that, the kids met each other.

It worked that way as by that point we could comfortably say that we were an item rather than insult them with "this is mummy's new friend" nonsense.

By the time DSD met me (then 8) she had seen a photo of me and heard about me from her Dad so I think it was all a bit less scary.
My DD was only 2 and couldn't care less.

Her Dad (and DSD's mum actually) used to introduce them to a new "partner" every other week which did used to unsettle them quite a bit.

Ticktock1 · 04/11/2011 00:17

For me it was 6 months. The ex wife kept changing it, first it was going to be 3 months and then 6 months and then she wanted 9 months in the end my DP just told her he was going to do it. I had to meet the ex before I was allowed to meet my DSD. We started off slowly as the ex said I was only allowed to see.her for 30mins at a time. It has taken along time to build a relationship because of that. We were not allowed contact between my DP and I when we were with her all that kind of stuff. My DSD is 3 but she has been great. I think it really depends on age and situation. Seeing my DP with his daughter changed the way I looked at him abit (in a great way as he is so loving) but it really hits home what you are commiting to. For me I am so glad I did it sooner rarther than later, if I hadn't been so in love I would have walked away after I realised what being a SP involved. But its mostly wonderful now! X

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