had a holiday booked prior to DSS coming to live with us...

[ladydeedy]

hi there
just wanting some unbiased (if possible!!) opinion on this.

DH and I had booked a v special holiday for this winter (have been planning it for two years). due to various problems at home with his mother, DSS came to live with us a few months ago.

We have been thinking since that date about how to arrange proper care for him whilst we are away. We did consider cancelling (difficult given huge outlay and also have made lots of arrangements with friends we will be visiting as this is a one-off), bringing him with us (school will not allow), one of us going and other one staying behind .

He does not want to sty with his mother (understandably, given that he chose to leave because of problems there). He has not spent an overnight there since he left and has limited contact. Neither DH or I have any family members nearby who can help. DSS is a mature 14 year old.
We asked him his view and he said he would like to stay with his schoolfriend - obvious advantages being they can hang out together, walk to school and back, have fun. Friend's parents are keen to have him and we have discussed it in principle.
Difficult bit is telling the mother as she will need to be informed. We also will of course inform the school in case of emergencies etc.

Any advice or thoughts? We are anticipating extreme reaction! But then again could be wrong.

Have you thought of keeping it short and sweet and telling her "DSS will be staying at "X" that week and will be available on "X" number.
Keeping it to the bare facts and letting her know where he is and how to contact him should be enough.

Of course she'll probably feel upset that he doesn't want to stay with her, but its his decision, rather than you saying he can't go to her house, so theres not much you can do.

Don't know if this will work, but good luck!

thanks babyheave. we are hoping short and sweet will work. my concern is she might start hopping up and down and demanding he goes to stay with her as she is his other parent and has PR etc....
we couldnt rest easy though (nor would he) leaving him with her during that time.
Hoping the short and sweet approach will work - just not sure either when to tell her - a week before or earlier. I think both have their pros and cons.

Equally she wouldnt necessarily know he was staying elsewhere as she has little contact with him, but we want to do the right thing where poss..... dilemma dilemma!!

I agree with Babyheave, and favour the short, sweet approach, approx 48 hours before departure!!!

How much contact does the mother have?

If it's rare for her to contact DSS, then I might be inclined to not tell her at all! My ex wouldn't even know if my DS went to stay with a friend as he doesn't contact him for weeks at a time.

Does she normally contact you at home at all? Of so then you may have to tell her but otherwise then she doesn't have to know. If she normally contacts him by mobile she won't know anything different.

As long as you have made appropriate arrangements which everyone is happy with, then she doesn't need to know all the details. Just because she is his mum it doesn't mean she has the right to insist he stays with her. He lives with you now and at his age could choose where he is. In the ideal world you would all have a good relationship and children could stay at the other parents with no problems if one is away but how often is it an ideal world.

We have had the situation where one of my DSS's went away on holiday with one of his mums relatives. We knew nothing about it until he didn't turn up for a prearranged short holiday with DH and his parents.

We just had to trust that his mum had made the right decision for him and he was happy and being looked after. At the end of the day that is the most important thing.

One thing, do a letter covering the friends parents, saying that he is staying with his dads consent and they can get emergency medical treatment if necessary.

If contact is very sporadic then I just wouldn't tell her.

thanks for your thoughts! contact is sporadic is only by mobile phone as she refuses to call our home in case DH or I answer! She does however live v close by. Also she is trying to get him to return to live with her as she "cant afford to live without the maintenance" - nice!.

We will definitely do a letter covering the friend's parents - thanks for that one.

I instinctively feel we should inform her - just as a "for your info" so that if things should return to court for residence discussions (we applied but were told to go to mediation which DH refused, given her unreasonableness - now she wants to apply!), then we could hand on heart say we have acted reasonably. Difficult one though! Like you say if contact is sporadic (she might text him once a week berating him for something or other - usually for not calling her to see how she is!), then she might need never know...
On the other hand, he lives with us and we make decisions in his best interests, and having consulted him. Hmmm.

It's a difficult one.... Whatever you decide, make sure the school know you will be away & who to contact about your dss while you are away.

A friend of mine us away at the moment & either she didn't tell the school who was looking after her dcs or they didn't make note of it - let's just say I had a few phone calls to help sort it out yesterday when an after-school club was cancelled... All worked out in the end but must have been unsettling for the dcs...

I just wanted to thank those of you who helped on this one. We got everything sorted out with the school before we left. We arrived back earlier this week and everything went brilliantly. DSS had a wonderful time staying at his friend's house and we had a great time knowing that all was going well and that we didnt have to worry about it. DH's ex did threaten all sorts and tried to make difficulties but nothing resulted from it and so we are very happy! (especially as we missed all the snow here!)
thanks all.

Great result Lady- glad to hear you were able to enjoy your holiday and that DBS had a great time too.

Glad it all worked out!