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SN children

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Original poster

my husband asked me yesterday

29 replies

Fio2 · 21/06/2005 06:53

whether dd gets 1-2-1 at school and whether we ever used ABA therapy. I say we but he obviously means me. It has annoyed me so much. His reason for asking was because his boss had asked him. I know he has been busy at work for years but ffs he should know what the hell is going on. He was annoyed aswell that only I was mentioned on the social services report. This sounds so trivial and petty on the grand scale of things but she is 6 this year and he is asking me this stuff now

OP posts:

Pixiefish · 21/06/2005 08:22

men

Davros · 21/06/2005 09:46

Bloody hell fio! He's suddently become "informed" over night, and just because some outsider asked him! Call his bluff and say, that's a great idea, let's take her out of school and do ABA, would you boss like to contribute some £££???
My MIL used to drive me mad going on about "the diet" and I had to go through the whole rigmarole about why DS was not considered suitable blah blah, who I'd seen, what they'd said. Then she'd sign and say "i wish you'd take him to America for treatment"..... aaaaggghhh! And I'd have to explain that our fulltime ABA program came from America, then she'd go on about Options.

suzywong · 21/06/2005 09:59

too!

heartinthecountry · 21/06/2005 11:10

Fio - I know exactly how that feels . Even though BIBIC was great in getting dh involved he still came away saying "we should look into getting a private physio and a private SALT" and I just turned round and said "that means I should look into it and quite honestly I don't have the time, that's why we went to BIBIC" It is hard when they are at work and not able to be involved but totally not fair to then dump a load of stuff on you

anniebear · 21/06/2005 12:20

hes a man!!! need I say anymore??!!!

Marina · 21/06/2005 12:25

It starts with where do we keep the bibs and it goes all the way up to major, major decisions about your child's wellbeing .
And on the off-chance that you might be tempted to think he is like this because he is WOTH and you are SAHM Fio, I can assure you that even when you both spend 50 hours a week outside the home working it is still the woman who researchs subjects as diverse as replacement lids for Avent Sportsters and alternatives to controlled crying.
How the hell did they control and dominate women for all those centuries! Even the nice ones are useless much too often

Pages · 21/06/2005 13:12

I agree with Marina - I work more hours than DH and I am the one that does everything, though I have to say I like it that way as I like to be in control. [wink}

HITC - would love to hear how you got on - we are off to BIBIC tomorrow a.m (early) - it may be that you have posted elsewhere in which case ignore this as I am just having a look now..

Pages · 21/06/2005 13:13

Might be in control but can't do emoticons, obviously!

Merlot · 21/06/2005 13:44

Agree totally with Anniebear - unfortunately

coppertop · 21/06/2005 13:56

It psses me off when I'm trying to fit in ds2's OT and SALT stuff every day - as well as the rest of the appointments and imaginative play stuff. When dh is off work for a week does he help out or even know what to do? Does he bllocks!

Can you tell I've been doing the "Help with therapy" section on ds2's DLA application?

Which leads me on nicely to yet another rant. Why am I the one who has to keep filling in all these bl**dy forms???? Dh doesn't even fill in the sections asking for name, address etc. Grrr!

tamum · 21/06/2005 13:59

I can really see why you're . As Marina says, it's a wider issue too, but particularly galling in your case.

KarenThirl · 21/06/2005 14:12

Men are just great, aren't they? I lost it completely with my dh last week, and told him how much I resented him because it was HIM who wanted children in the first place and now it's HIM who has an autistic son and HIM who has a wife with ME and HIM who'd better start taking responsibility for his family because WE need him NOW!

So overnight he started 'helping' and it's quite funny to see how little he knows about how this house runs. Then last night he offered to get J changed for bed and help him with his school reading book, and off the pair of them trotted. I think he managed ten seconds in the bathroom, of J rolling on the floor and hitting dh's legs, laughing hysterically at nothing and refusing to even stand let alone brush his teeth and get changed. Suddenly there was this voice at the top of the stairs shrieking "I'm sorry, Karen, BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT!". Later, when I'd got J sorted and settled, I came back downstairs and said "So now do you see what I've been living with?" and the look on his face spoke volumes.

Fio, I hope this is a turn for the better and dh is really starting to come round to sharing the responsibility, but if he's anything like mine I wouldn't hold your breath!

Dingle · 21/06/2005 14:30

Fio!!

I have a wonderful husband and he is a wonderful dad, he will help with the kiddies dinners, playtime, bath time, bedtime..BUT...

it almost seems as his ignorance is bliss when it comes to any "additional help" Amelia needs. He will play in general but ask him to do an activity around her SALT or physio and he becomes rather figity and seems just so uncomfortable!

I have approached him about this several times, recently because I feel so alone in completing these blasted DLA forms too! He openly admits to feeling inadequate and not having much information, so rather than appear stupid and ask, he just doesn't bother asking. Then I flare up every now and then because I feel so alone and feel that he isn't interested or doesn't care!!!

Rather a vicious circle! Thank goodness for Mnetters!

Pages · 21/06/2005 14:34

Listen, my DH doesn't even change dirty nappies - just holds DS out to me at arms length and smiles and says "DS has a present for you". I even had to do it when I had morning sickness. As for DLA, he doesn't even know we get it let alone what I wrote on the forms.

coppertop · 21/06/2005 14:41

I asked dh about perhaps using up some his holiday entitlement to get some time off in early September. Ds1 will be going to a new classroom with a new teacher and will probably be unsettled by the change in routine. At the same time ds2 (who I have to take with me when I take ds1 to school) will not understand why we are going to a different room and will no doubt scream the place down. Add to this that ds2 will be starting pre-school at the same time then you can see it's going to be chaos around here for a while.

Dh's response to my request? "I can't use up too much holiday. I'm going to stay at my mum's for a few days to help her move house."

Oh. Well that's okay then......

Original poster

Fio2 · 21/06/2005 15:11

he is really good with both the kids, he is a good provider and dd is a complete daddy's girl and he loves her to bits but it has just made me realise how little he knows about therapies and things. He even called it "BBA therapy" and I said I think you mean ABA why did your boss's daughter have it? and he said yes, he said it was great (and forgive me everyone) but I said well he can afford it we couldnt on your wages, ahem, so that was the end of that conversation nand like the 1-2-1, i said she goes to special school and he said does she get 1-2-1 then and I said well yes and no and then had to explain the difference between his boss's daughter being in mainstream and dd being in special school and what that difference means. maybe I should get him to read the SN pages of mumsnet instead of him telling me to stop spending so much time on here

I have started to force him to try and come to the school stuff.

i am going on, i do just feel like all i ever do is DO everything though as far as dd is concerned iykwim, bloody hell wind me up and let me go

OP posts:

Original poster

Fio2 · 21/06/2005 15:16

you know it also makes me feel guilty aswell as if I have took over all the decisions as far as her education is concerned, even though he looked round the school with me.

he even says things like dd will marry someone and things like that and then accuses me of pessimism, there is no inbetween with us

OP posts:

anniebear · 21/06/2005 16:25

After the comment I made, I will shock myself and stick up for my DH

(whoever decided on Darling Husband...darling????!!!! what about Daft Husband?!!)

He is very good with Grace and Ellie and a good support to me also.

Although it is me that makes the decisions regarding everything about Ellie and Grace, but then I am at home with them everyday and deal with everything re Ellie, whilst he is at work, so I supose I know a lot more about whats going on than him

anniebear · 21/06/2005 16:31

Fio

Don't feel guilty, I imagine a lot of Mums will say they make a lot of the decisions and decide what their child needs.

I do and a lot of my friends, lot with SN, children do.

I tell my Husband things and they can often go in one ear and out of the other, he doesn't not take an interest but lots of times he may not know evrything thats going on with Ellie.

Also I think Dads are a little more optimistic. If I say to DH that Ellie won't get married, have kids etc, he will get upset and say "don't say that" But I am being realistic. I think because I am with her all day, know exactly what all her problems are and see her with lots of other children so I can compare.

DH is at work all day so he doesn't see her out socially as much.

Does any of that make sense?!!

Hope so, I know what I mean anyway!!!!!!

Pages · 21/06/2005 16:37

I find I am the optimistic one, and DH is the pessimist which is why I think I hide things from him. You are lucky, anniebear, that your DH feels so positive about your DD. Sometimes I feel I am being the strong one for both of us, which means when I do feel down I have to keep it to myself - or speak to you lot, of course!

Chocol8 · 21/06/2005 17:12

Men - if brains were explosives, they wouldn't have enough to blow their heads off!

My xd(?)h, told me recently that he'd heard some "baaaad things" about Ritalin and I just feined interest, so he repeated it a further twice. I told him, that I had informed him at Christmas time that ds's medication had been changed and he was no longer on Ritalin.

I would not have minded except this is the first comment he has ever made about ds's SN - as before that he refused to believe his dx...it was obviously all in my head. Ds is nearly 8.

Absolutely clueless - it goes in one ear and out the other!

Can totally understand your gripe Fio - and loved Karen's dh's response within 10 seconds, great eh?

anniebear · 21/06/2005 18:56

I don't think he is positive, maybe a little naive!!!

He doesn't like to look into anything, or read up on things, where as I do, maybe too much!!

coppertop · 21/06/2005 19:05

Dh is good at doing the rough play thing with the ds'es and is the one who takes ds1 up to bed. His usually hypersensitive Aspie nose can't quite seem to detect ds2's pooey nappies though - and if you don't change them fast enough ds2 will take them off himself and throw them at you. Hmmmm. Is there such a thing as selective smelling?

Davros · 21/06/2005 19:22

I have to say that my DH is excellent. He knows everything that goes on and understands it, HE was the one who wanted to do ABA and had to persuade me. On a day-to-day basis I do all the organising and admin, not just because I'm at home but because I was a Sec/PA for nearly 20 years. I would never have to tell him where clothes/nappies etc are, what food to give either of them, although they may go out dressed a bit weird without my input! He doesn't know the finer points unless I choose to tell him or need a second opinion or simply want to gossip!
Oooh, I reckon this is the first time I've had what is known as a "brag" on MN

coppertop · 21/06/2005 19:24

Davros - (or should I say, Professor Davrois de Mumsnet? ) is your dh available for training purposes (ooer!)? It sounds as though he could be a very useful trainer of dh'es.

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