How do others manage extreme behaviour in autistic children after contact?

[Mumto2senkids]

My 9 year old son has autism adhd and global development delay
Everyday is a battle with him
He goes to see his dad once a month. When he comes home, his behaviour is terrible!! This time he was there for a week. Hes come back and I don't even know what to say.

Today he's decided to get a cup of water and wet my walls with it and said he will throw it all over me and he wants to wet me. Ive said" you need to think about your choices " and told him if he threw it, he will lose his xbox until he goes back to school (9 days) I know its a bit excessive but nothing else works. He said " well I need to come off my xbox anyway" he came closer to me so I grabbed the cup.
He proceeded to throw it at me and tell me he's tired and can't control himself. That's why he did it. There's been more things but this is just today.
That's all I seem to get from him " I cant control it, im autistic its not my fault "
How do I go about things like this?

Right now I feel like im failing him because I'm his mum and I should know how to help him and I don't 😭

No consequence works! He doesnt care about anything. He could lose his xbox for 30 mins, kick off and then not be bothered. He doesnt learn, he will do something, lose time off his xbox then do it again knowing he shouldn't be.

What makes it worse.. ive done all the parenting courses to the point they want me to help run them... how can I when I cant even help my own child?
I know things but when it comes to my own kids, im stuck

Well, although he may be saying it in a confrontational way, he’s not entirely wrong in saying he can’t help it. And I’m not suggesting that it’s acceptable.

If this happens with every transition from Dads then I think the transition and time before and after, need to be done differently. Could be that with some tweaks, he is less overwhelmed by the transition and manages it better.

Does he masks at his dads? Is this the Coke bottle effect when he gets back to you and feels able to unmask?

Also, would distraction / deflection work? “Oh you want to do water? Let’s go in the garden for a water pistol fight!”

My 8 yr old has started saying something similar, he doesn't have developmental delays so I don't know how appropriate my response would be in your situation. I tend to say, ok I can see you're struggling to control your impulse just now, we need to find a way to help, what would help, and if he can't come up with something I'll make a couple fo offers. Garden or blanket fort? The. Once he chooses something I do it and sometimes that's while deflecting pushing and slapping and shouting as we go. Then it's just taking time to get settled. It stops the cycle in a way that punishment doesnt

He doesnt behave the same way at dad's. He's starting to push boundaries but not to the point where he is at mine

lAnnoying though it is it's very likely the extra demands of being on better behaviour at his dad's will be depleting his reserves and you're his safe space to let it out.

Could you have a transition day when he comes back? No specific plans, access to something like a punching bag or trampoline? Sensory play or swimming if waters his thing, then home for whatever he needs to relax whether that's something wholesome like snuggling in a blanket fort or more frowned upon (if my son is really struggling, lying on a blanket on the floor playing his switch is the most regulating thing available and I'll let him go for it for a fair stretch and carry crunchy snacks and fizzy water, give him cuddly toys, basically all his comforting items)