Any ideas for helping a DS1 make friends more easily.

[Niecie]

DS1 is nearly 8 (Yr3) and has mild AS and dyspraxia.

He has had 3 close friends since he started school 4 yrs ago but they are, naturally, all changing and growing up and I can see that they are beginning to grow apart. The other 3 are v. sporty and not surprisingly DS is not.

He has also had a problem with another child recently who is trying to joing in their little group but who is trying to push DS out and is not being very kind about it either.

It just feels like he is the odd one out all the time and I think it is beginning to get to him. He notices now that he is the one to get left out when everybody pairs up.

The school has a friendship group session which he does with another child with problems (don't know what) and two other NT boys. However, this doesn't seem to help and he is getting older so the teachers aren't interested in helping him out either.

Sorry this is a bitt long but basically how can I help him increase his circle of friends without being there to help?

Thanks.

If the school friendships aren't working, could your ds try an extra activity or group that will help him to meet new people? It's obviously not the same as having his group at school back but having different friends may give a boost to his confidence and self-esteem.

Some NAS groups also have a social group for people with AS. It might be worth looking into if your area has one.

What about a penpal or someone he could keep in touch with by e-mail? Again, it's not necessarily a substitute for having someone to play with but might help him to see that there are other children out there with the same interests as him.

We have the same issue for my ds too, he's 11- almost 12- and just can't make/keep friends. He's AS and just doesn't know how to do the sporty things either, or have conversations with them. It breaks my heart actually - what we've done is enrolled him in a special needs club that meets 1 Sat per month to try and get him involved. I wanted to avoid this in the past as I refused to let him feel "different" but it's just not worked out despite our best efforts.

I second Coppertop's suggestion that making friends outside of school can be really helpful.

DS1 goes to a nature/ecology club once a month and while I wouldn't go so far as to say he has made friends there, he does get on well with some of the other children who go to it and enjoys that.

He is also friends with some other mumsnetters' DSs which I think has helped a lot too.

I would recommend joining the Cubs, the Scout movement is very good at being inclusive.

Thank you all for your replies.

I had thought about the scouts but was worried that they would want him to do stuff he has no hope of doing like tie knots or arty stuff! I can't see him tree climbing and he is struggling to ride a bike and all those other things that 8 yr old boys often do. Maybe I will try and phone somebody and have a chat - they might be able to hazard a gues about whether he could cope.

Tbh I think the dyspraxia is more of problem than the AS. I almost don't want to say he has AS because the clinical psych said he wasn't bad enough for the title. He was given the label at a review meeting for want of something to call him more than anything. Anyway, from that point of view I don't know if he would fit in at an AS group either. Poor little chap doesn't seem to fit in anywhere.

Crace - What do they do at your son's group? Does he enjoy it?

I will look into whether there is one around here and maybe have a chat with them too.

Thanks again.

Thanks Tclanger - I'll have a look for that book and see if I can come up with some strategies.

Really what I want to do is go into his class with him and just say 'Give him a chance fgs - just be nice to him ' because he is lovely. But you can't do that, can you?

We've not gone yet, next week I think - really looking forward to it. It's 2 hours in the evening, and it's sporty stuff like swimming, table tennis, football, trampoline but it's special needs children.. So my son can join in these things, amongst peers and feel comfortable. I am so excited for him

I do know what you mean about not fitting in anywhere, my son is in between mainstream and AS himself.

What's he good at? What are his real interests at home? A club or group that has those will make it so much easier for him to settle in.

Anyone who's AS or indeed nearly AS will find the whole social thing a complete mystery. It helped me to read books about body language, believe it or not. He may be old enough to work through one with you, so that he can learn what people are saying with facial expressions, body movements etc.

And any social skills group that teaches turn-taking in conversation and how to seem interested in other people will be a huge benefit. We don't find it easy to remember to listen to other people, not least because we're expected to look at them at the same time, and if we're making eye contact, usually our ears stop working. No, really. We can do one or the other, but rarely both. Something that lets him do an activity whilst talking and listening will be easier, I'd think.

OK 3rd time lucky - I keep trying to post and it keeps disappearing!

Thanks amber - He likes computer games and reading neither of which are group activities, unless you count playing the PS2 with his little brother. He does go to chess club but they play against computers and really, even though he likes it, he isn't very good because of the sequencing and planning problems of the dyspraxia, I suspect.

The problem I have with the AS dx is that he really does 'get' facial expressions and he knows when I am teasing him/cross/happy etc. I think his eye contact is OK having compared him with NT children. He isn't typical (whatever typical is).

However one thing you said did strike a cord - he doesn't engage with people. If he isn't interested in them he can't pretend. In a group he can't keep up with the dynamic so he withdraws and then when he 'comes back' they have moved on and he is left trailing behind them. I suppose it makes him seem a bit slow which he isn't.

Anyway, I have wandered off the point a bit. I will have a think about clubs. I know it will help his self esteem but it would be lovely to be able to help him at school too because it is such a big and important part of his life.

I wonder if the school realises the friendship group isn't doing its job? Someone once said "the road to hell is paved with good intentions", and I think schools and indeed charities can set up things with the best of intentions but without ever really asking the kids whether it's working for them. Is there a SENCO or trusted teacher at the school you could talk with about the friendship group, and explain that it's not working well enough yet? You've probably already done that, so do forgive me if so. But they may need some more ideas from a dyspraxia/autism charity, who might be delighted to help with it? It's always a trial when us parents have to do the school's thinking for them, though.

The school have been a bit of a dead loss actually. DS has a fairly newly qualified teacher (this is her second yr) and she hasn't a clue. DS has also said that another boy has been picking on him a bit and she hasn't noticed, which is not unusual I know with 28 children to worry about, but I didn't think that after a scuffle in the playground (where dS ended up deep scratchs down his cheek) that it was a good idea to then put them on the same table.

We talked to the SENCO when he first started and they didn't even know he had a dx. They were told by the infants but obviously the juniors didn't take any notice.

Not only that but she asked if we had seen a psychiatrist for a dx!!!!

He's not mentally ill, is he?!

They are very vague on the friendship group thing. They don't really say what they do. I know they are a group of 4 and that one of the others has problems but of course, you aren't allowed to know what. I have thought of approaching his mother to find out more as I have a very distant nodding acquaintance with her but I don't want offend her if DS has got it wrong and this boy isn't the other one with the difficulties. I wondered if the boys might feel they had a bond. Is that unlikely? Mind you the other boy did bite DS when they were in Yr 1 which is how I know his mother - she came to apologise and burst into tears, poor thing. DS seems to have forgiven him though.

I might try the Dyspraxia Foundation. I felt like we would be outsiders with the NAS when I signed up. Maybe we would feel at home at the DF?

Mentally ill? I very much doubt it. I think she used the wrong word for the person you would have seen! Though, thinking about it, some psychiatrists do diagnose ASDs as a 'sideline'.

Dyspraxia Foundation definitely worth a try, I'd say.

I notice you say that he likes playing computer games, in my experience playing games can be a good way of boys initiating friendships or at least practicing being sociable. It is easier to say "would you like to come round and play lego star wars" than to say "will you be my friend?" and having one friend round at a time gets rid of the third party leaving someone out problem(been there). You have to be prepared to hover and police turn taking but it can work and also gives them something to talk about in the playground the next day.

Here, it's the CAMHS psychiatrists who deal with all autism-related things, so I wouldn't worry about that. The psychiatrist that J has at CAMHS dx'd him, medicates him and reviews him, as well as liaising with school and coming to reviews. So it's not weird that she asked that!

They could be more pro-active at the school. They should seek advice from a specialist AS service re: social skills work.

OK I stand corrected - just never heard of anybody dxed by a psychiatrist before.

The paed referred my DS to the psych and nobody even mentioned a psychiatrist to us at any point. However, there was never any suggestion of him having medication and I am pretty sure that psychs can't medicate - there was some debate about them being allowed to but I think they decided they didn't want it as they wouldn't have the medical background.

Has anybody or anybody's child seen the school ed psych for help with this? We were fobbed off, told they were useless but I do have questions that the school won't be able to answer and nowhere to take them.

The computer games thing is a good idea but it is finding somebody new to talk to about them that is the difficulty. Maybe he will end up in a class with somebody he hasn't really come into contact with before - they mix them up every year so it will be all new classes.