To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

I can imagine your gp is shit. My brothers was too but according to him so were all the consultants that suggested other meds after he ended up having a complete psychiatric breakdown.
i’m not saying take that medication. I’m saying get a referral and explore other options.
Im sure you do love him more than life but mental illness left to fester will prevent you from treating him like you do.
and yes my child drives me mad. I drove my parents mad. But the language your using sounds like contempt and that is something else.

Sounds more like utter frustration and exhaustion than contempt to me. Contempt is a cold-blood emotion. Op is firing red hot blood through her veins right now - and venting in the right place. Would you rather she said it to him than us?

I’m going to be honest op reading that has brought a tear to my eye. He seems like any other 11 year old to me. He certainly doesn’t sound unique in anyway.
im no GP Or even particularly intelligent but I do know one thing. There’s no way you should have stopped taking your medication. It’s highly dangerous for a start. What does your Doctor think. Have they not discussed an alternative with you. I’m not in the least bit surprised you’re struggling and suffering. If you’re at the point where you’re using the word disgusting about your own child surely that’s when you know you need serious help. 💐.

I have a 12 year old son, neurotypical. He can also be pretty disgusting. Much the same as the things your son is doing.. He would leave plates, cups, wrappers etc in his room forever if I didn't stay on his case about it. Eventually I banned him from taking any food or drink to his room, he was made to sit at the dining table even if it was just a glass of water he was having. He soon got the message. He continuously leaves the bathroom door open when he's on the loo much to my 13 year old daughters disgust, at this point he's just trolling her. They can be disgusting. Parenting is a thankless job a lot of the time, do you have anything that is just for you? A hobby, a class, socialising with friends even for an hour a week? My mum suffered terribly with depression when I was growing up and has been on all kinds of cocktails of different antidepressants for the last 30 years, they numbed her, they didn't cure her. I tried so hard to get her to find something she could enjoy for herself, a night class at college, a hobby, anything that would give her some time to enjoy something for herself. She never did take me up on that, we haven't spoken for 10 years. Please find something that brings you some kind of enjoyment. I really hope things get better for you.

@takemeawayagain I'm sure you don't realize that your post is very judgmental and harsh. It's also somewhat condescending. Maybe it sounded different in your head?

The judgment on this thread is something else. Mothers can come here and vent about how tired they are because their baby is not sleeping and get nothing but support and kindness but vent about a child that is 100 times harder to parent than a NT child after you have went through the loss of your parent making everything harder AND you are going through depression, you get stoned on here! You couldn't make it up 😂

Op, I get it. Sometimes your cup just gets empty and there is nothing left to pour. To just have to give and give with receiving nothing in return, eventually you will snap because you are a human being. Please carve some time for yourself in any way you can because if you keep trying to do this while struggling with depression it will not end well.

Also, for those saying op's son acts like all 11 year olds is a lie, he acts like all 11 year old BOYS. Girls absolutely do not act like this and we all know it.

I wonder what is that makes them act like this, entitlement?

Its the words and the tone combined with the rejection of medication that are red flags for me.
if op is just ranting then - no big deal, I’m just an internet stranger she can ignore. If there is something deeper, i’d rather be another person saying that it isn’t ok, suggesting she seek support rather than part of a chorus enabling and reaffirming thought patterns that are harmful.

Honestly not the moment to bang that drum ..,

And another word to consider besides entitlement is testosterone. No one thinks dogs are “ entitled” but give them the chop and they lose much of their defiant, challenging behaviour.

I absolutely get that there are some things DS struggles with - as I said he wets every night nearly. We have tried medication, alarms, waking him at night, but nothing works. We change the sheets without an utterance. He genuinely can’t help himself so I would never shame him for this. HOWEVER pissing on the toilet seat despite being told daily that I end up sitting in his piss, refusing to wash, leaving food around and spitting in a shared pools IS disgusting. If your NT child did these things they would be disgusting too!

Not suggesting mass scale human neutering obviously; but rather that female subservience, or failure to parent, is not responsible for everything in this world.

I get it most boys that age can be dreadful attended a activity in my DDs age 9 class for a hour the other week boy was in for a wake up call knew schools were struggling but nearly every boy in in the class was messing about, being dreadfully loud, arguing over whose having what, bullying another, crying cause they couldn't have their own way, mad because another boy had upset hem it just went on and on and on the whole hour I was there, needless to say the lesson I was there to do with my DD went dreadfully the poor teacher was here there and everywhere and i know the teacher is a superb teacher as DD has sibling and cousins teacher has already taught. On way home I asked my DD is it always like this as I couldn't even think striaght let alone hear DD tidy to help with her work she couldnt hear me was dreadfull her reply 'yes' made my stomach drop and after we left she told me teacher had told them all before family members came to be on best behaviour and had a talk with them about noise level etc.
I later told my DM how awful it was and yes the boys were dreadful got another one soon and I'm dreading going I was mentally exhusted after an hour of it and shocked how badly behaved so many children that age behaved whilst at school and gutted for DD and the others who wanted to learn and the poor teachef that that's how they school days are don't know how we expect any children to learn in that environment.
Hope you've managed to have a couple of hours downtime op as I had to go home that day and sit for a long time with a cuppa as my head was shot I have a new respect for mothers of boys and even more respect for anybody who works in a school.
Hope your guys day tomorrow is a good one 🍀

I will speak to my GP tomorrow. I have lost trust but we will see. I will update with how I get on.

Well done for throwing the term ‘narcissist’ about. Where have I been a narcissist? Because I don’t want to dose myself up with medication that numbs my emotions, helps me deal with stress but has awful side effects.

i know I should have tapered but I couldn’t stand to be so out of control of my weight. I wanted it gone from my system.

Controversial, but, you could just leave. Lots of men walk out, after all.

I do get that you’re frustrated but children with autism and adhd process things completely differently. I do have a severely autistic child myself and I know how hard it is. My son has very little understanding of language and saying “don’t spit, lift the toilet seat etc” to him is completely pointless. Obviously I have no idea how much understanding your son has but you cannot give him to same instructions as an NT child and expect the same responses.

My heart goes out to you. This has to be one of the most honest posts I've ever seen on MN. For what it's worth, you sound absolutely lovely. The way you've been able to articulate your emotions and respond so quickly and sharply to the haters is truly impressive. Sending big hugs.....

Ahh! Do you not know oP that every MN thread has to mention narcissism at least once but preferably in a string of echoing posts - yet always as though it’s the first instance in which anyone ever thought of it.

I think it would be well worth seeking help in exploring a different medication. There may be something to help you feel better without the side effects. It may be the failure to taper that has you feeling this way, but you have shown determination to get things right in your life. It could be that a different Med can complete that - or at least supply the next step.

He does sound dreadfully annoying. It is good that you have gone off the pills if they were not working for you. I know what you mean about being zombified and putting up with things.

It is good that you will no longer enable his behaviour. It will do him no favours if you do. Even if the school will tolerate it because he is ND that will not be the case when he is out in the real world. He will need to learn to conform to societal norms or he will find himself on the outskirts of society.

Try to mantra to your self that in a few years you can move to a smaller place where there is no room for him and he can go and be disgusting somewhere else.

Keep on teaching him to pick up and get clean though or noone else will ever want to live with him either!

I think that you need to consider a different medication. Feeling like this about your ds isn't ideal and an antidepressant could help. The current situation isn't great for either of you.

First of all, a massive big hug. I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like to parent autistic children, so no judgement here.
everyone is allowed to have bad parenting days. I have had a few myself recently.

secondly, please go and see your GP. I am on Sertraline. I was also told to break the tablet in half to slowly come off of them. I wonder if how you’re feeling is also to do with how sudden you have come off of it.
Can you request to see another doctor?

and lastly, you’re doing a great job with your boys. I can tell just through your posts that you meet their needs, you’re a good Mum and good Mums are allowed to have shitty days! Remember, tomorrow is a new day.

Op I am not on medication and I don't think I could cope with that on or off medication. I think you have every right to vent about it because it sounds damn hard. I hope maybe you can get respite because you definitely and deserve a break.

Ahhh Op - you sound at the end of your tether. and im not surprised, it sounded relentless

i don’t know your son, so can’t say what he is and isn’t capable of. ND child here and I’m always trying to work out how to parent when DCs brain is wired differently.

But a couple of things

1. coming off AD’s was horrible, it took months to equalise. And I hated being on them, just numb. So I empathise.
2. Roblox - my NT child, absolutely fine. My ND child and it’s just evil. Would live on it if allowed. But the behaviour after being on it was horrific. So it’s now banned (and all ‘interactive’ screen time is limited - tv is allowed). the withdrawal was horrific & putting the boundary in place hard. But genuinely behaviour/ interaction has been so much better. Honestly the impact on ND child’s brain was scary looking back. I get it’s not easy - and we had to work hard to help find/ engage in other ‘interests’ - But it has made a massive difference.

good luck!

Mumsnet is a place for support and help, not judgement