To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

Hear hear! I love how the OP is slagging off her son, but is behaving like a petulant child by refusing to take medication.

You need help ASAP for your difficulties in coping with parenting and your personal relationships in the family. Have you been assessed for ADHD or ASD yourself, it may be something you require help with and therapy and the right medication can transform life.

I have nothing to say as I’ve no experience of this past a mother with dementia. Sometimes your emotions just need to come out so you don’t explode. Have the biggest hug. Start again tomorrow and chip away at the issues- try one little thing to see if it helps. Then try another. I have faith that you’ll manage it as you’re clearly a devoted mum who just has had a fucking gut full.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be dreadfully difficult. I'm on a combination of Mirtazapine and Effexor, and they don't have the zombie effect on me. I know that effect well. Poor you. I really hope you get something sorted.

Oh give her a day off.
She’s at the end of her tether and you’re playing “ gotcha!”
I’m sure coming off meds was an attempt at a positive step in her life. She needs to work through whether it was the right one for her. Maybe it wasn’t, but I commend her for not being afraid of making changes.

My friend has a son with ADHD and ASD. She says she never knows if it's his ADHD, ASD, or if he's just being a little shit. And she's a great parent, and runs SEND courses, but she's a realist.

Fellow ADHD mum here, with a 6yo diagnosed with autism and 2 weeks away from an ADHD assessment. I have 2 other kids who almost certainly have something going on too.

Ditto to being dosed up to the eyeballs on antidepressants and fat as fuck as a result.

There's so much I could say but I think it's simpler to just tell you that you're not alone, lots of us get it, and I'm so sorry your life panned out this way.

We love them, of course we bloody do, but it's a level of hard that nobody can understand until they live it.

@MsLuxLisbon An anti-depressant that makes you feel like a zombie isn’t the right one though, the OP did need to come off it-although tapering is the best way to do it.

Sertraline didn’t suit me either, I needed a different one. It sounds as if she’s having a reaction to the sudden withdrawal and tbh, venting anonymously on MN is fine, she needs to say it somewhere. My bff and I vent to each other all the time, it helps us manage stressful situations.

The sanctimony sisters out in force tonight.

💐 OP. I’m Team Sanity Support - be nice to yourself.

@MsLuxLisbon

medication that she doesn’t need and which has made her gain a lot of weight? Nah I’d be refusing too

CuriousEgg get a grip - you don’t know how shit my GP is. He’s a lazy twat who prescribed my AD over the phone who will do anything to avoid speaking to you face to face, that’s if you can get an appointment.

I took medication, it DID turn me into a zombie and piled weight on me. I’ve dropped 7 lb in one week having come off it despite dieting the whole time.

DS knows I love him more than life - it doesn’t stop his actions being disgusting! I live for him but you know what, I am a human too with needs and feelings. I can promise you, your parents thought you were a twat at times too. All children are occasionally.

DS is on medikinet, however only takes it at school due to it suppressing his appetite. It made him so thin (he won’t eat lunch after taking it and is very picky with his foods as is par for the course with ASD) Home is his safe place so he doesn’t need it here (though people on here seem to think he’s poorly treated here!) I have been off sertraline for a week!

Isn't it funny how mums struggling with perfectly typical babies and toddlers get coddled when they rant and have times where they struggle etc, etc...but mums who feel anything negative after years of parenting ND kids are horrible people who must surely need diagnosing with something themselves and should be permanently medicated for everybody else's sakes.

This

OP I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. Parenting is hard. SEN parenting is extra hard. Grief and loss are unbelievably hard. You've got everything hitting like a terrible storm. I don't have the answers but I hope you find a way to move forward positively and find things to love and like about your son. I guarantee there will be some, even if it takes a lot of work to find them.

(PS when my SEN son was that age, I created a Roblox account and played some games with him. He loved showing me around and teaching me what to do!)

Take a breath op, having sen children all the time is hard, and unforgiving.

Take practical steps. My son had adhd, he leaves a trail of stuff as he goes about the house, leave cupboard and drawers open, clothes, towels, sports kits, wrappers everywhere all the time.

this is what I do, I get an ikea bag and shove it all in there and then put it in his room. He has to clear it out when it’s full.

wrapper and rubbish that he leaves about, well I put them in he pockets, school bag, shoes, etc. - yes he has adhd but he needs to leave to function. He has started to use a bin.

No teeth clean, this seems to be a common problem - no sugar.

When you come off sertraline that to is going to effect your emotions and how you handle things. I hope you spoke to a doctor before you did as they usually prescribe reduced dosages for a prolonged period until you are ready. My husband was on it for a long time, and I certainly wouldn’t have described him as a ‘robot’ during that time. It just handled his anxiety better and helped him handle his emotions. I also have a number of friends who are on them, one for years and years and none of them are robots either.

You are having quite a big reaction to your son at the moment - yes it all sounds very annoying, but not THIS annoying to the point you don’t want to make up with him and call him ‘disgusting’. I can imagine he is very upset and confused right now and probably thinks his mother hates him.

I would speak with a doctor again and make sure you were ready to come off the pills and did it in a controlled way. I’m sure you don’t hate your 11 year old.

You are right oP. I can see past the angry words and you do love him more than life - and I’m sure he does know it.

You are only cross and exhausted because you’re scared you’re failing him, which you’re not.

Lots of boys can be foul and messy at that age and I’ve seen plenty of NT and much older teens spitting and exhibiting that kind of defiance. It doesn’t make it not gross; it just makes it not the end of the world it is feeling right now.

FWIW I admire you coming off the meds. That doesn’t mean trying something else is not a good idea, but to recognise it was wrong for you and take action speaks volumes about your strength of character.

OP you are doing the absolute best you can. Your DS is 11 and being Very 11 as well as being ND. You say he doesn’t have an EHCP which means that (rightly or wrongly) he does have to try and cope in the mainstream world as much as possible and you have to try and help him with that and as you say, excusing behaviours which will get him ostracised in the real world is doing him no favours. If he doesn’t intuitively understand that people find some things vile then surely you need to tell him? That’s parenting, right? Also, if you can’t moan on an anonymous internet forum then when can you? People see the world SEN and think parents must never complain. Why not? SEN parenting is hard fucking work and it’s ok to say it.

Hey OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. I have quite a bit of experience in what you're describing and wouldn't want you to go through what I ended up going through. My husband died leaving me with two young boys, the oldest of whom was diagnosed with autism. I tried my best as a single parent, making many mistakes which I have regretted ever since, but I managed somehow for six years, until the pressure of kids' friends always coming round, moving to High School, criticism by other parents, etc. got too much and I had a breakdown, which resulted in my children being taken into care. I refused to take medication until that point, when I was prescribed citalopram. I've never taken anything else but it does keep me well. Could you ask your GP about it? You'd also benefit from some outside help with your children and counselling and time out for yourself. It's bloody hard work looking after any children let alone neurodivergent ones.

BTW my boys are grown up now and we get on really well.

@eatdrinkandbemerry

She doesn't sound Awful to me,

She sounds normal and just sounds exhausted as no one is a Saint either perfect,

Just reading her @thegreenlight mumsnet post it would drive me to allmost brink of insanity having food waste lying around and in this now sunny weather food waste 🗑 will start to decay sooner
Hence an attraction for flies lying eggs maggots food cycle,

Then having piss all over the toilet 🚻 🙄 allmost constantly,

What is it with men like that?,

And it pisses me off just cleaning up public toilets seat once in a while,

Absolutely agree with this post.

Flamingos89 for fuck’s sake! When did I say I hated him! Where did I say I said anything to him (other than telling him his behaviour of spitting in the hot tub repeatedly was disgusting and shouting when he was disrespectful after asking him nicely about 50 times!) next time you raise your voice to your child, I hope you remember the kicking you have given me. You are jumping to an awful lot of conclusions.

No, it isn't! It is a side effect for antipsychotics, not for SSRIs. People will use any excuse for weight gain, but to say sertraline causes it is a new low.

I put on an absolutely vast amount of weight on sertraline and it all fell off again really quickly when I stopped it. We all have different biochemistry.

I want to reply properly but I'm half asleep and don't want to chat shit.

You vent away, there are women on here who would have you believe their kids eat organic all day, every day and have never heard a swear word or seen a raised eyebrow, let alone heard a raised voice.

Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad for offloading in a space that your kids can't see - all of your feelings are valid and important.

I have been on sertraline for years and I was always under the impression it isn't recommended to stop taking it rapidly and to wean off gradually. I also take other meds for my mental health and when there have been issues with the pharmacy and i haven't been able to get my meds, the withdrawal symptoms have been horrific, I've just been unable to see any point in life, and having really unhealthy thoughts. I also have an autistic child of similar age and can honestly relate to some of what you have said even though I haven't read the whole thread yet. I think speaking to your GP about changing your antidepressants or coming off them gradually would be really helpful, reading your posts you sound a lot like I do when off my meds and its likely mental illness speaking rather than how you truly feel.