To find my son disgusting

[thegreenlight]

I was put on sertraline after losing my dad two years ago - I have just come off them as they made me like a zombie, feeling nothing, and put 4 stone on me. I have stopped taking them but now I find my son (who has adhd and high functioning autism) absolutely disgusting. He’s 11 and screams and tantrums if asked to take a shower, leaves food waste all over his room, he was in the hot tub with his brother and kept spitting water even though I asked him repeatedly to stop (and WHILE I was telling him to stop) he leaves his clothes everywhere, refuses to lift the toilet seat and pisses all over it despite me asking constantly for him not to do it. When I was on sertraline I could cope with it but now it makes me rage. I’ve just told him to get out of the tub (he won’t so I end up shouting at him) his attitude stinks and I don’t like him very much at the moment. I’m NOT going back on sertraline (even though my family would probably love me to as I’m a compliant fem-bot with no preferences or demands when on it). AIBU?

You've only been off sertraline for a week. Honestly, it will take at least a month for you to get back to your baseline level. Your current mindset is not your normal state. Coming off anti depressants is shit hard

Op, your post made me feel quite ill. Not because I judge you at all, because I don't, I admire you for getting as far as you have and having the balls to come off the drugs that we're making it bearable while losing yourself. I also have an ASD /Adhd boy and honestly I only cope because I outsource and delegate so much of the shit that I only have to deal with him in small doses. Your post scared me because my boy is much younger than yours with a whole stack of fucking dreadful behaviours and once he's too old to be palmed off to the angel of a childminder and the sympathetic and saintly sports club leaders for many of his waking hours outside of school, I 'm pretty sure I'm gonna crack too. Be kind to yourself as your brain chemistry goes through this adjustment period, lower your standards and escape for long walks or stick headphones on and do the bare minimum to keep them legal and safe till you feel better. You will feel better, the little shit will turn a corner and suddenly get a tad more independent and it'll feel like a huge victory! My 7 year old wiped his own arse last week and I'm still delighted and forgiving him for keeping me awake till 1am for three nights running. Its what they do, drive us almost mental and then suddenly improve a bit? Christ my first child did that till they went to uni and they were neurotypical. It's just 10X worse with ND kids. I'm fucking dreading the age you have now with my boy, absolutely dreading it. Stay strong. There's always a solution, you need a chance to rejuvenate first though, so If that means gently withdrawing from main parent status and letting dad run the show for a bit then bloody do it.

The OP isn’t a bad parent.
She loves her son, but she doesn’t like his behaviours much.

The OP was put on antidepressants to deal with the effects of bereavement, not to enable her to tolerate her son’s challenging behaviour.

Those who are adamant that the OP needs to be drugged up in order to endure her son’s meltdowns need to take a good, hard look at what they’re saying.

Yes, the son is a child, her child, but does that mean he gets carte blanche to be abusive to his mother? And if she doesn’t like it she has to be medicated into submission?

What about her other child? Should the sibling also be treated with mind-altering drugs just so they don’t object to being mistreated? If not, why should the mother?

Parenting a mentally disturbed or misaligned child is hard, and sometimes parents need time away, to receive some respite care to help their own well-being.

No one should be expected to take antidepressants just so they can put up with abusive behaviour without complaint, whether that’s from offspring or a spouse.

I think the anger is a reaction to going cold turkey with the Sertraline, OP. As PP’s have said, your doctor would advise you to taper off gradually and although 50mg isn’t a high dose, it’s high enough to have some nasty side effects if you suddenly stop taking it. I took myself off 20mg cold turkey a few years ago, and the first two weeks were tough until it left my system. I’m now on Escitalopram and I’d definitely taper if I come off it.

Re. Your DS. As others have said, pick some clear issues that need to be addressed and focus on them, perhaps just one at a time? Weeing on the loo seat is an easy one to start with-your DH can show him that the seat needs to be lifted up every time and keep reinforcing. Rinse and repeat until he does it consistently.

I think you’ll start to feel better in a few days once the Sertraline is out of your system, so hang in there and let your DH take the parenting lead right now. 💐

It’s fucking exhausting parenting a child with asd/adhd and the only people who will understand the relentlessness are other parents.

Impulse control and sensory issues are
at the root of it all as I’m sure you know OP. My son used to disgust me as well. I’ve only just managed to stop my son from sticking things in his mouth, eating foam; rubber and paper, taking off his shoes and socks on the street, And frankly eating like a pig. None of this is down to ANY parenting failures - we are calm practical and firm parents and I would say my son only grew out of all this at age 10s when he began to understand that it’s shameful to behave such a way. Many neurodiverse kids are also much younger emotionally - our paediatrician told it to treat him as though he were 1/3 younger and for us it really helped manage him.

you just need to repeat repeat calmly and consistently; it’s bloody draining and I feel for you but shouting je the last thing you should. We have made great strides with our son through being consistent - we even eat dinner at exactly the same time every single night and have a well defined routine - I find that the sensory seeking kicks off more when he is tired or stressed.

i would also add that tidying his room is overwhelming so we do a little bit each night ie tidy your books. Next day: pick up the socks…. Upside to this is he is slowly getting better at seeing what needs to be done and is beginning to take some pride in a tidy room - the rest of us are naturally tidyish and organised so he used to seeing us hoover our rooms etc and knows that I am not particular tolerant of my own mess like most mums after the toddler years

Did you speak with your GP before coming off sertraline ? They would usually advise gradually decreasing your dosage rather than coming to a sudden halt. No wonder your feelings are amplified....its like you've been wearing headphones at the back of a concert and then suddenly finding your head stuck in the biggest speaker.

I think you and your husband need to come up with some strategies to deal with aspects of his behaviour which can be managed. A pp mentioned being firm about your room being out of bounds except for you and your husband. You could maybe try reward charts for doing homework and household tasks....rewarding with roblox points or tickets/credits (don't know anything about it ) but you must both be consistent in your approach. Maybe some support could be available from Autism UK? Or respite provided by your local HSC Trust?
I know you will get through this, but don't blame yourself for the way you feel now. It's not you, it's the way the chemical balance in your brain has been affected. It will get better,eventually

I haven’t got ND kids but I have had bloody awful depression and been on Sertraline.
it’s horrible stuff to come off.
but also, when you can, have a look at perimenopausal rage. Everything you have said about the relentlessness of caring and feeling absolutely furious resonates with that. Reaching perimenopause can tip you from a manageable but shit situation over the edge.
I also wondered if you’d had any support, or counselling after losing your dad. I’ve been there too and my coping with sad often manifested as anger.
I don’t pretend to have the answers and realise you posted on here to vent and I guess to say the unsayable in a safe internet space. Not that Aibu always feels safe but it’s at least anonymous.
but if you can find the head space maybe have a think about the effect of perimenopause and grief on how you are feeling right now.

His ADHD is out of control. Where’s his dad? Who is the ADHD parent and who is the autistic parent?
There’s A LOT of work to do in the family and I expect it’s overwhelming after being so ill yourself.

I’m sorry oP things are feeling so hard . They really ARE hard: I felt frustrated and exhausted for you just reading it.

There was one comment you made that struck me and that was that you get no joy from DS. I felt really sad for you because children can be a joy. However, it isn’t a given and it isn’t a right parents have. We take on huge responsibility and uncertainty bringing a life into this world and they don’t owe us joy. That doesn’t diminish our desire for of enjoyment of the role, but I do just wonder if resetting your mind to him being primarily your responsibility rather than a source of joy that isn’t delivering as he ought might help with your rage towards him. I do understand the sense of wanting to enjoy your dc, but I can’t help but think that just now that focus is increasing your frustration. You’ll get there- and I hope you have some joyful moments at Disneyland. But they really are the icing on top and not the daily bread of parenting.

Most real posts I’ve seen in ages.

Oof. You sound like you're really going through it, OP. You're not wrong to want to set boundaries, and it shouldn't be impossible to set them - even if your son takes longer to learn them or needs to learn them in a different way, it will be good for him in the long run. However, it's worth thinking about something that can slightly lengthen your fuse - not so that you can stop wanting to assert boundaries but so that when you need to assert them, you have the bandwidth to do it in the right way. For example, being able to calmly implement a consequence instead of shouting (even if you then go and scream into a pillow). If talking therapy is an option it might be worthwhile - or if you can somehow get time for some exercise (hard I know). Good luck.

You need help. Raging and calling your son a dickhead is not right. Firstly just stopping the antidepressants is not how it should be managed, you need to be weaned off. Secondly the books/courses clearly haven’t helped so you need to find more support, break down the problem behaviours and work on one at a time. He’s 11, probably with developmental delays, sensory issues, executive functioning difficulties etc. You cannot expect him to be able to just do everything you want him to, when you want him to. Is he at a specialist school? Self help and learning independence should be part of his EHCP, how are these supposed to be supported? Eg OT, therapist. If it’s not in there make sure it is at the next annual review. In the meantime contact the LA SEND lead worker and ask them who can provide advice and support now. Shouting and getting angry with him isn’t going to help, justifying it by saying it’s ok because being a SEN parent is hard isn’t going to help.

Why do I get the impression people think that their dad is absent? We tag team being the calm one and the one who is mightily pissed off by them. Tonight I was pissed off, spitting in the hot tub made me heave and him carrying on doing it while staring straight into my eyes made me rage. I won’t apologise for calling that, and other behaviours of his, disgusting. You people are better humans than me! You’ve never shouted at your kids for having a messy room even though you tidied it with them yesterday. I give zero shits that he has autism. It is no excuse for treating me like crap. It’s not like I’m trying to parent him like a NT child, I only make ND children! Also, as an adult, there are no laws against me swearing - sorry pearl clutchers.

It absolutely can cause it though. Wonderful that it didn’t for you, but as many people in this thread can attest to, everyone reacts to medication differently.

OP, forgive me as I’ve only read the first page. Your post resonates so much; I’ve been on Sertraline since 2013 following fleeing domestic abuse. I’ve put on stones too and I’m so numb when I’m on them.

My youngest is Autistic and I’m a single parent, her behaviours are awful when she’s triggered -
they’ve become worse since big school. I had a mental breakdown and had to leave a good job that I’d worked hard for. Some days I resent her. I have no family support and on the days when she refuses to go to school, I don’t even want to get out of bed. It’s a constant fight of applying for support, working with schools, claiming for DLA, Education plans, assessments… all the while at home, you’re struggling to get through the day. Making sure there’s no demands to avoid meltdowns, removing triggers, cooking special foods etc it’s draining.

But this is our life and if we give up, who will care and fight for our children? If the sertraline doesn’t work, please seek advice from GP because it sounds as though you still need them. His body will be changing with moods and hormones soon, it’s important you are as well, healthy and resilient to cope

Because he lives in the house. Every member of the household should be pitching in with the housework. OP's son is not the lord of the manor with servants to save him from that reality.

I thought his dad sounded great - and I’m really pleased you have that support. It’s an ace up your sleeve in this aOP, truly.

You need to do more than just shout at him. You and your husband should be enforcing stricter boundaries on your son.

He spits in the hot tub? Don't let him in.
He won't put his clothes in for wash. Don't wash them. And if he wakes up with no clothes it's his own fault. Autism/ADHD is no excuse for brattiness or terrible hygiene.

As someone who is grieving and trying to parent an AuDHD 6 year old I recognise your rage. Grief is awful and although you have numbed it with sertraline if you haven’t also sought counselling I don’t think you’re ready to come off it (or try another option), certainly if you are you need to get some counselling fast.

is your son on any adhd medication? If not then perhaps this too is an avenue to consider if his behaviour is getting worse.

This is a horrendous way to speak about your child And the way you speak about medication and medical advice is narcissistic. You do not know better than medical professionals.
im sorry about the experience that led to you taking antidepressants and i’m sorry about the side effects that you experienced. However you clearly need some form of treatment that works better for you. There is more than one option.
i speak as someone whos brother has rejected treatment with medication for 20 years. He seemed fine but increasingly grouchy until 18 months ago (6 months after our dad died) when he spiralled off a ledge and his behaviour has transformed in to something monstrous. Ive watched him destroy every relationship he has with both family and friends because he thinks he knows better than doctors and in his words ‘the medication turned him in to a zombie’

btw i’m neurodiverse too and everything you’ve described about your son could have been me at his age. I’m a successful person, with my own amazing family now. but thankfully i never felt someone(anyone) thought me in the way you think about your son. believe me, he will sense it.

The person gasping in horror at your swearing did make me laugh op! I totally get where you’re coming from. My asd son is obsessed with opening and closing doors at the moment and it is chipping away at my nerves. I'm also autistic and the noise is sensory hell for me. Trying to be a loving gentle parent is fucking hard when your child’s behaviours trigger you.

I hear you OP. My daughter rages at every little thing on Roblox and thinks spitting is funny too. I am starting to find the energy to tell her I'll take away from her if she screams and shouts at it. It's helping slowly. I used to think I had to put up with the screaming and shouting because ND, but now I'm realising I can't tolerate it and she needs to know it isn't acceptable. I used to try and help her with the game if it was driving her mad, but now I just say 'nope, switch games on there to one that's easier'. We only have so much we can give. I think we can only really tolerate the ND behaviour when we've been given the space to scream and rage ourselves first. My DD just spent two hours rolling around, leaping around, not going to bed. No amount of consequences or patience or constant firm voices can help them to follow rules when they're on one. It's so hard that they can't hear us the way NT kids can.

All children are a huge challenge. Children with autism are an extra challenge. You are a wonderful parent & never forget this. It's only natural to feel the way you do at times. Google for the love of Gabe facebook. The 2 mums who take care of him are phenomenal. We need more resources for children with autism. They can be talented & brilliant when given the best support to meet their needs.

Er what? Of course an 11 year old should be helping around the house. It's perfectly reasonable to expect them to tidy up after themselves, keep their room reasonable, wipe the toilet seat, do basic chores such as laying and clearing tables, helping with laundry, ironing, washing or drying up, changing their bed etc. They may need reminding of course.

To which I would add this is the right place to vent op, and better than at him. You have to have an outlet.