She's so aggressive :-( any strategies?

[Blossom4538]

Our little one has been aggressive physically towards her Dad and I, for over three years - she's almost five. Nothing we do seems to make an impact. Any tips? She has just really hurt me and I actually got upset. She really doesn't seem bothered that she hurts or upsets me. Do you think this could be part of her anxiety, selective mutism or ASD - Aspergers? Do you children have problems with their temper or regulating emotions? What strategies do you use that seem effective. Feels like over the years, we have tried everything. Im so sad and down at the moment.

Hi Blossom

Yes my son (7, ASD) is very explosive and can be aggressive both at home and at school.

We use the strategies from The Explosive Child book by Ross Greene.

Can you try and identify the triggers that cause her aggression (keep a little diary?). By doing this you might be able to make more sense of it all - it might not be immediately obvious but you might see a pattern emerging - for example DS is very demand avoidant so making any demand of him can cause an explosion - so we try and use humour where we can / don't say 'no' outright / use a timer.

It's about finding the strategies that work for you / her to reduce anxieties that might be causing aggression.
DS also struggles with transitions (eg every time we have to leave the house - every time!! - so we really have to prepare him for every trip).
Even just trying to get him dressed can cause an outburst if we don't do it right.
He also finds noisy / busy environments difficult. Or just the thought of them.

Visual timetables can help a lot - so he sees a plan of the day and doesn't get so anxious moving from one activity to the next.

It can be exhausting trying to manage him, but by doing it this way we have really reduced his explosions.

He doesn't really feel remorse either (altho I know he loves us very much and is very affectionate) but because he's quite egocentric he can never accept he's at fault so can't bring himself to say sorry as he doesn't actually feel sorry for what he's done - that can be hard! We try and use social stories to show him you can say sorry without feeling it 'from the heart' as he says.

Another recommendation for the explosive child!

Throw the neurotypical parenting handbook away and find things that work for you!

Reduce demands, reduce anxiety, reduce triggers and see if that helps!!

Try to think of her behaviour as her showing you that she is unable to cope! That will help you to move forward!

Oh and keep coming on here and find some facebook or face to face support groups!

Good luck

Gosh, sounds very similar to our little one!

Thank you so much. I will take a look at the book. Our day today, and most days is so dominated by our little ones behaviour. The past few weeks have been quite hard and we kind of used to her tricky behaviour and ways! She never feels bad when she hits, kicks, scratches us. Drives me crazy. Nothing seems to stop her.

I agree with polter do not try to engage in conversation or reason with her! If she is melting down she wont be able to have those kinds of thoughts!

Deep pressure works well for some children but watch out for headbutting!

One thing that worked with a little girl I worked with was distraction but it was a non verbal form.

We kept a bag of favoured items in a handy place and when a meltdown began an adult would sit close to her but not close enough to be kicked and get something out of the bag to play with, we made no eye contact with her or any form of communication so there were no expectations placed on her, she nearly always quite quickly wanted to see what we were doing and would calm and come and join us!

Might be worth a try!

Thanks everyone, great suggestions and worth a try. It seems like the past week or so has been worse and I suspected she was coming down with chickenpox! She had prev been in close contact at school. She came out in spots today so perhaps that is why things have been worse recently. However, it is also an ongoing issue.

Will def try those strategies, thank you. X