Dictionary of children's services language

[kojackscat]

I'll start:
'I will call you back first thing tomorrow' means 'I will ignore you as long as possible'

'The file is with a colleague' means either 'I can't be arsed to get off my bottom to look for it' or 'I have no intention of answering any of your queries, get lost'

'I understand your frustration' means, 'yes, we are dragging our heels, but we really don't care cos we only work from 9-4 and its 3 now, so I am getting ready to go home'

Anyone care to add your own???

'They are fine' means they must be as I can't remember who they are/what level they are working at; if they were causing a nuisance in class I would remember them.

'We are fully aware of the deadline' ...and intend to ignore it.

"Our surveys indicated that we have some of the best customer satisfaction feedback in the region"

"Our feedback came solely from the hand-picked useful idiots on the Parent Carers' Forum, because the SEN Assessment Service Team Leader had 'accidentally' made sure that the link to the survey on the Local Offer website was in 2-point Wingdings font. And the regional competition was the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Mordor Local Authority, and Hertfordshire."

"Our transport team data indicates the journey to our maintained resource base takes 43 minutes door-to-door, at a marginal cost of £1,500 per year"

"The taxi can make this journey in 43 minutes - if there's no traffic, no other passengers, and the vehicle is fitted with a military-grade Russian hypersonic glide vehicle. We have inexplicably forgotten to add the cost of the escort, and we have inexplicably forgotten that the last pupil to use this route finished statutory education five years ago. But fuck it, with a dense enough panel we'll be able to wing this."

After careful consideration, we have decided to...

Ah, fuck it. Like shooting fish in a barrel, isn't it?

"Leave it with me, I need to check with the file/my manager."

Means I havent a clue what you are talking about and I need to buy time to make something up!

"We have never had a situation like this before!"

Means no one has ever realised we are lying shits and how are we going to wriggle out of this one!!

i had one today 'your emails are receiving attention' which means - bugger we have even started to think about what she is asking for, best now do it and then get back to her......... never.

"She is just at the photocopier, ill get her to ring you back."

Well, it must be a rather large document, that was 3.5 hours ago!

"The meeting is on February 2nd" - the meeting is on February 7th.

'That was the schedule at that time, it has since changed' I lied to you!

'Whilst I have not been involved directly in the schedule' you can't hold me responsible for the lie I told!

'I am sorry for the confusion and hope this info helps to clarify the situation' I hope I have covered my tracks and you are swallowing my explanation!

"Local authorities are currently 'finding their feet' in implementing the reforms. In xxx Council, we have been determined to deliver on both the letter and the spirit of the reforms. As such, there are some instances where we are slightly delayed in meeting the deadlines, because we want to get the quality of the EHC Plan right first time round."

means

We are over the statutory time limits, and really don't care, because we know there is nothing you can do about it.

Can I join in?

"I think we need to look at arranging a multi-disciplinary meeting" = if we fanny around long enough trying to get everyone together you may forget what you asked us to do. It can also mean we can't do anything so let's look as if we are helping here when we are actually doing and achieving fuck all

It's been one of those days

oh RavenRose, we all know those days!

I'm in a relatively good area, raverose but still nodding.

(though found out today that, while they have pro-active policies for ASD, they're truly in the dark ages for Dyslexia)

'We are sorry you were upset about this'

'Oversensitive parent. That 's the way we do things. Just suck it up'
(And no we never review our practice based on feedback'

"You can expect to receive a copy of my letter to them" said after a meeting which was to take our experiences as parents of our child to put together a referral to the lea Complex Communication Diasgnosis Panel, something we had been pushing for for months.

Five telephone calls later and a letter chasing, over nine weeks, we haven't heard a thing. No calls have been returned. We don't know if the referral has been sent and we weren't copied in. Or whether the referral has been made at all.

"DS is a bit of an enigma" = they don't know what to suggest/refer to, so they won't do anything at all

I call up the local salt clinic to ask to speak to one of the professionals involved with DS, basically to ask if he is going to get any salt, given that he is now 3 and has no language whatseoever, and has been 'in the system' for nearly a year, without receiving anything like the right level of help.

Me: Can I speak to X please?
Person answering: Don't be silly, is that you, X, from your office? Playing games with me!
Me: No, not at all. I am DS's mum, and I am hoping to speak to X as I have called and left various messages but haven't heard from X.
Person answering: Oh. I'm so sorry. X isn't actuually in the office right now, but I'll say that you called.
Me: I thought you just said she was in the office, you thought she was playing games?
Person: I've already explained that. I will pass on this message. Bye.

Me: Arghhhhhhh!

That's terrible Welltidy, that is so rude!

I know! Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

"We are confident that DS is accessing all that is available at present" = we didn't consider him for the classes/therapy that is now full up