Dh - are they all useless with special needs kids or just mine :( ?!?

[Alfiedoggy]

Sorry , I'm venting . My ds has SPD . My dh has been off work for nearly six weeks now with depression ( unrelated to ds) I find my dh so frustrating . He has not read any of the literature I have given him about to deal with ds , just relies on me telling him what to do !! But half the time I tell him he disagrees with me . He can be good but the other times he thinks ds is just being naughty and he is impatient with him . It's causing rows and right now I can't even bear to be in same room as him and I feel a huge barney coming on ....... Please help , how did u communicate / deal with your dh ?????

No, it's not just yours Alfie

Mine can be fairly useless too. I recently forced him to come on a training day with me and told him if he didnt take the advice on board we would be finding 2 flats!!

Funnily enough it has had an effect and last weekend I left him and Dd3 at home alone while I was at guide camp and they actually managed to get on quite well.

The important message that the trainer gave was that as adults we expect to be in change and that our children will fit in with us and do what we want the to do but with SN's in the mix it simply doesnt work like that.
We the adults need to be flexible because our children are not able to be.

Our Dd3 has Asd and Spd so I can imagine the kind of thing you are dealing with.

Good luck

Thank you for replying :) I'm feeling mean but I think I'm just at the and if my tether and tired sometimes. I just feel frustrated . Where did you find out about training courses ? I would love to go with dh ! Would they have courses just for spd or should I go to one on ASD too ? Thank you for understanding I really appreciate your reply xx

The one I went to was run by an autism charity so it was aimed at parents of children with Asd but the message would be similar for Spd I would think.

It is frustrating and I guess that his depression won't help him with changing the way that he parents. What he needs to realise is that it is not about power and who is in charge, it is about reducing stress levels for everyone.

Good luck

Thank you :) I'm going to do some research for local courses ( we re in Dorset ) . No he's not on any meds - a separate issue which also frustrates me :/!! I think you've hit the nail on the head - he turns it into a power issue :/!!

I remember feeling that way. So what changed? I had had enough of the writing reports, finding specialists, etc, etc with little or no input. So I told him to do it. It worked, I even stopped going to some meetings with the school. The onus is then on them to prepare for the meetings. I guess its the same as anything if you think someone else is in charge or taking care of it you don't bother or put less effort in.
He also did the Early bird course which helped because although I knew a lot of the stuff covered he didn't because he hadn't been researching online for years.
Remember to communicate. He probably has no idea how you are feeling.

I remember feeling that way. So what changed? I had had enough of the writing reports, finding specialists, etc, etc with little or no input. So I told him to do it. It worked, I even stopped going to some meetings with the school. The onus is then on them to prepare for the meetings. I guess its the same as anything if you think someone else is in charge or taking care of it you don't bother or put less effort in.
He also did the Early bird course which helped because although I knew a lot of the stuff covered he didn't because he hadn't been researching online for years.
Remember to communicate. He probably has no idea how you are feeling.

ime telling DH how I felt and then him getting priorities wrong, despite what I had said, was worse.

DH is most likely on the spectrum and therefore quite likely to have difficulties with higher level language comprehension. DH is a clever man with a masters degree and a successful career but that does not mean that he can prioritise over the short, medium and long term, predict what is likely to happen in consequence to an action and the other taken for granted mental actions related to decision making. These abilities are further hindered by stress, not feeling sad but the physical release of stress hormones and chemicals which switch off higher level thinking (just like stress dulls pain, hunger etc that are not needed for fight/flight).

I second meds. I read the riot act to DH - ADs or leave. He chose ADs. They produce better conditions for him to make decisions on a day to day basis and make it less likely that he says or does the wrong thing - something that makes things worse rather than better, makes a drama out of a crisis etc. His prescription ran out recently and he did not renew it as we were away from home so much. After a couple of weeks off the meds his inner arse started to emerge again. He takes ADs because he wants to be part of our family and I am not prepared to put up with him hindering rather than helping. It helps if you have reached the stage where life would be better without their current behaviour.