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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

How the hell do you deal with siblings and their feelings?

12 replies

Blossomhill · 27/05/2006 13:21

Things had really improved in our house until wednesday when dd kicked off big time at home and school.
After picking her up from school she was on such a state that she was lashing out at me and scratching me etc while I was driving.
Poor ds was in the back of the car absolutely sobbing his heart out. Telling dd to stop (usually he would be the target so that's why she was in front).
When we got in dd was still kicking off but I sat down and gave ds a big cuddle to reassure him. He looked at me and said "mum she is ruining our lives". I was so shocked but completely understood what he meant.
How on earth do I deal with it though?

OP posts:

heartinthecountry · 27/05/2006 14:56

I don't know BH, but there are quite a few sibling support organisations out there who might be able to give some good advice. I think one is called SIBS. Try googling.

Must be very hard though - FWIW I think you did the right thing by cuddling your ds rather than giving your dd the attention. I'm sure that is what he needs as much as anything.

cat64 · 27/05/2006 15:37

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GeorginaA · 27/05/2006 15:48

Oh Blossomhill it must be so hard :(

I don't know if it will help in your situation, but I know "Siblings Without Rivalry" book has been invaluable to us.

A big theme in there is to always acknowledge feelings which often does a lot to help, and giving them in wishes what they can't have in reality - so agreeing with him but rephrasing in an acceptable way "you must be so frustrated and frightened when she does xyz - you wish that... (I dunno, what does he wish? That the focus was more on him? That she would calm down more? That you could do more happier things together as a family? You'll know if you hit on it because he'll be agreeing readily)

I know you haven't done this, but apparently our usual reflex to negative feelings is to say "no, don't be silly .. you don't mean that.. you love your sister" and that generally just compounds the problem and drives the resentment underground.

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 27/05/2006 19:20

I give ds2 a lot of time away from ds1. Will do the same for ds3 when he's older. Luckily ds2 hasn't worked out how shit his life is yet (I'm expecting that to come when he starts school and finds out that others can do a lot of things that he can't).

Original poster

Blossomhill · 27/05/2006 19:47

HITC - actually went to workshop run by the lady that started SIBS. Really worth while going to if anyone gets the chance. To see it from a siblings point of view.

Cat64 - we get CAF so will have a look through the newsletter when it comes.

Georgina - thanks, I will try that.

Jimjams - we do try and give him as much time as possible. Unfortunately after a few "incidences" I have decided not to send dd anymore (she kicked off big time this week, nightmare) so am no longer to have the hour a week I had with ds to let him play footie with his mates and walk home and have our "chat" :(

Another thing that really got to me was that ds had a friend over a few weeks back and asked if dd could go to nan's for tea. He then went on to say that he now finds some of her behaviour embarrassing. He absolutely adores her by the way and has the patience of a saint. It was only last week that she had lashed out at him and all hell broke lose. Dd went on time out etc etc. An hour later he is sitting there with the boobahs (dd's favourite toys) making her laugh, he said to keep her happy as he knew I was busy.
He really is such a love and I just want him to have as normal a life as possible and sometimes it's not that easy :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossomhill · 27/05/2006 19:47

meant to say used to have time with ds as dd was at after school club.

OP posts:

anniebear · 27/05/2006 21:45

Arrrh BH thats sad. Grace isn't quite old enough to understand how our lives are sometimes restricted with Ellie

It must be very hard when they do

FioFio · 30/05/2006 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

butty · 30/05/2006 13:40

Hey BH,

sorry u're having a bad time of things at the mo, i'm having really bad problems with chloe at the moment and now she is rubbing off on dylan, in temper he is going round punching and slapping and as he has SN, i'm finding it really hard to control the situation.

As you know chloe has been dx'ed with ODD and has now been put in touch with the local ADHD charity from whiom we have our first session next week at home.

The woman reccomended a book called "1-2-3 magic" by thomas phelan, and i must admit that it does have some really good advise in there, some of which i have been testing out and it is starting to work.

Hope things get better, speak soon.

Butty.xxx

Original poster

Blossomhill · 30/05/2006 17:10

Anniebear and fio - that's thw thing isn't it, it's his life and dd is a big part of it so he has to accept it. Just feel he has some issues arising lately and I am not sure how to deal with them. May contact our local young carers group (although have to think of him as that tbh) as I know they do deal with issues surronding siblings.

Butty - It must be so hard for you with both of your children having sn :( Hope the Adhd charity is of use to you.

I will look at that book. Do you think it will be of use to sn kids?

Thanks x

OP posts:

butty · 31/05/2006 11:28

Hi BH,

I think the book would be of use to anyone regardless of SN or not.

Even if all fails from the guidelines in it, then at least you have tried, and i have to admit, it is a fairly simple way of handling situations and also teaches us as parents how best to handle tricky episodes or outbursts.

It has been more valuble in lessons to me than any of the tv programmes.

Butty.xxx

Bumblelion · 02/06/2006 11:19

My friend has recommended a wonderful book about siblings of kids with special needs. It is called, "Being the Other One" by Kate Strohm. The author herself had a sibling with special needs, and she did extensive research into adult siblings of special kids. What a lot of theses people are saying is that they wish they would have been able to express their fear/sadness/anger/gulit regarding their childhood. Most of them know their parents did the best they could, and that their parents had their hands full with their child with special needs, but they have internalized all those hidden feelings and are now paying for that in their adulthood. It gives good examples how we unknowingly cause are able kids to be perfectionists or too independent or too helpful. Later on in their lives they have trouble with other relationships outside of the home or have issues with depression, anxiety, eting disorders, etc. I recommend it to anyone with "able" kids in the family.

The reason my friend read it is that her daughter (aged 6 and never a bother) cut off all her hair and told her mum it was because Alex (age 14 months, Weaver Syndrome) gets all the attention.

This is a link to the book which is available on Amazon (if I am allowed to post that here)

\link{http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590301501/qid=1149220986/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/104-1440388-4374347?s=books&v=glance&n=283155\available here}

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