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SN children

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Original poster

DS (hfa) doing anything for a laugh from peers

22 replies

mombie · 24/04/2013 21:38

I an a bit upset, I have just.spoken to ds(6) who has told me that he showed his bottom to some of his classmates because they told him to. He thinks that they are all laughing with him and doesnt realise the joke is on him till its too late. We had a similar.incident last year when older boys were making him swear / kiss other kids. He doesnt seem to realise.that nobody else is doing it. I have tried to tell him to stop and think, say no if it feels wrong etc but I know that he will do anything to please the others. I am so heartbroken at the thought of what lies ahead.Is this good time to tell him about the hfa?

OP posts:

Original poster

mombie · 24/04/2013 21:42

apologies for the typos. I just wanted some advice from more experianced folk about how I can stop this escalating. or do I have to watch it play out and just grow a thick skin.

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nickala · 24/04/2013 21:45

Hi Mombie, I am sorry to hear this. it must be hard for you to bear. i cant really offer much advice as i am new to this but i feel for you. I think it is hard to know when to tell children about these things but i think they should know as soon as possible especially when they start to realise that they are a little different to their peers but that is just my opinion.have you tried reading All cats have aspergers together, its good for 6 year olds. i think you can have a look inside it at amazon.
best wishes

crazeelaydee · 24/04/2013 22:59

Hello Mombie, I am in the same boat as you it really is heart breaking and I really feel for you. My Ds 8 AS was wetting himself at school when he was 6 because he was told that if he didn't the other child would tell the teacher and he would be in trouble, I only found this out after he was put into another class because of his behavior (it makes me wonder what else he was told to do which helped with the decision to move him). He has dropped his pants to show the other children his bottom for similar reasons as your Ds only he ended up getting into trouble because he had flashed his penis at the girls. He has put a dead decaying toad in his mouth! Licked snails! The list is endless and it's all been to make his 'friends' laugh. I'm not sure how telling my Ds about his Dx would help with this though tbh. I don't know what to do either.

Original poster

mombie · 24/04/2013 23:14

Thanx for the replies. I feel so helpless. I feel as though I need to prepare him for these situations, but I know in reality that he is going to do whatever he is told. I can see it escalating and dont know how best to deal with it. He knows that he shouldnt do it but gets so caught up. At the moment he does have some friends, but they are outgrowing him. I need to help him and or prepare myself for whatever happens.
I am sorry you are going through the same thing.Its so painful to watch.

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DeafLeopard · 24/04/2013 23:15

We had similar with DS at this age. DS so wanted to be friends with people and they didn't want to be friends with him. He would do anything, absolutely anything, to be part of the group. This included eating his lunch like a dog (ie without hands); a game where everyone took it in turns to push him over into a muddy puddle; putting his hands down the toilet, stealing things from our house to give to his "friends"....basically anything that the other boys told him to.

Having discussed it with his paed she recommended telling him in a very simplistic way.

We went with the "friends don't make friends do horrible things"; we also asked the school for support - lots of this kind of thing happened during break times when there was less supervision. They implemented circle of friends and appointed him a few "buddies" in his year and in Y6 to keep watch on him.

Social stories about how to be a friend were also useful.

He is much better now at 14 but will still do / say anything to get laughs from his mates, although these are genuine friends so it never gets as far as it did.

Hope this at least gives you some hope that he will come through it.

claw2 · 24/04/2013 23:18

The other children are taking advantage of him. I would be asking the school what they plan to do about. I would be asking the school how they plan on helping him develop his social skills and what is/is not appropriate etc.

At home with ds, I did things such as make lists of what makes a good friend and what doesnt. Role play/social stories about how to react and what to say when asked to do things by others

Original poster

mombie · 24/04/2013 23:56

I am seeing the senco tomorrow re: play interaction, so will mention this to her. I dont want him to think that I am taking his so called friends away from him, or that he cant talk to me about his day because it is hard enough to get him to open up anyway.
Its nice to know that he may overcome this deafleopard. He is such a good boy but I am so worried that he is literally a sitting duck to be taken advantage of. I am going to sit him down and give him a chat about good friends and being assertive in these situations. I just hope it triggers when the time comes. Its like me trying to teach him road safety, I tell him million times how he should cross the road in preparation for doing it on his own. He is yet to actually look up when he is crossing.

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claw2 · 25/04/2013 00:03

Mombie have you tried showing him, rather than telling him? More a look at me and demonstrate and get him to copy with crossing roads for example?

or along with the chat something visual to help him remember?

Anything like ds words go in one ear and out the other!

Original poster

mombie · 25/04/2013 00:17

Oh yes, we have whole family demonstrations. watch me, watch dad, watch your sister. He knows what to do, he is just not interested enough in it.

I think I may put on a performance about friendship though. Thanx for the responses.

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CurrerBell · 25/04/2013 17:45

Hi mombie. My DS is also 6yo with Asperger's/HFA, and has done similar things. He has this thing where he hits himself on the head while making infantile noises - and recently I've noticed the other kids are starting to mimic him, or come up to him and encourage him do it... I'm worried his friends' treatment could start to become unkind, though the teachers assure me that they are keeping an eye out.

Did you manage to speak to the SENCO about it? It is the teachers' job to deal with this and help your DS and his classmates learn appropriate/kind behaviour. They are only 6yo so still very young!

We found that speaking to DS about his diagnosis was helpful. We have read 'All Cats Have Asperger's' together and some other stuff. I spoke to DS about having a 'special brain', and he accepted it very easily. He said he knew he had a special brain, because he was very good at maths! So he sees it in a positive way. His teachers have also sat the whole class down and spoken to them about the fact we are all different. All his classmates know that DS needs extra support at times, and are reminded to be kind. I worry about the future as well, but getting the teachers on side helps a lot.

bialystockandbloom · 25/04/2013 18:35

My ds is 6yo tomorrow ( where did time go?) and I'm noticing the same desire to impress creeping in with him too

We have just started to 'practice' different scenarios with him; giving him different hypothetical examples starting with harmless ("if x told you to shake his hand would you?", to the potentially teasing "if x asked you to jump up and down would you" to the dangerous "if x asked you to jump off a high climbing frame would you" and then explaining explicitly whether each one is ok, and if not, why not.

Also think school should be aware. Does he have any 1-1 support who could look out for it at playtimes?

Really hard one though. I'm sorry I haven't got any tried and tested suggestions, but will keep watching this thread - maybe we can keep it going together!

bialystockandbloom · 25/04/2013 18:40

actually, thinking about it more, it's not a million miles away from bullying is it . Definitely talk to the senco.

CyrstalStar · 25/04/2013 22:16

hope you get it sorted.

CyrstalStar · 25/04/2013 22:17

they seem so vulnarable it is heartbreaking!

PolterGoose · 25/04/2013 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mombie · 26/04/2013 07:46

I spoke to the senco. I had a meeting with her about ds starting a play interaction course next week. Hopefully that will make a difference. She has made a note of it and is going to have a word with some of the staff to keep an eye at lunch/break. I used the 'good friends dont make u do silly/naughty things' approach, which seems to have sunk in.

I have decided to sit him down this wknd with the 'all cats' book, and take it from there. On the plus side his teaching assistant came up to me yesterday to tell me about his excellent maths work, she said he is way ahead of his peers. I was tempted to shout 'In your face suckers!' but reigned myself in. :)

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Original poster

mombie · 26/04/2013 07:49

Thank you guys btw , this sen board has been a godsend x

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finickypinickity · 26/04/2013 11:02

My heart sinks mombie reading your post and everyone elses.

DS is in reception and we are already starting to face this.

The other children are so far ahead with all of their social skills and language so DS has become the joker who bounces a lot and gets mimicked, he's also the one who they get to fetch the toys out of the playground cupboard because they know they will get a telling off for doing it whereas DS doesnt think far enough ahead to realise the consequences or work out that they are asking because its funny to see him get punished whilst they enjoy the benefits before they all get caught

I have a feeling it will get worse in case before it gets better especially as the school says its just normal interaction between his peers rather than bullying

I'm glad your Senco seems supportive.

Original poster

mombie · 29/03/2018 11:47

Thank you to everyone that took the time to post on this thread.

I have returned to posting on mumsnet today after ages (life took over) and reading this thread just brings back all of the fears and worries I once had about DS.

I just had to update. Looking at my amazing DS now, I am so proud of how far he has come and what a thoughtful and funny person he is growing into. He is quietly confident and most importantly, he is happy.

DS is 11 and in secondary school now and doing really well at managing his asd. He owns his eccentricities and has grown in confidence. He hates sport but has taken up drumming. He has a few good friends and has learnt to say no where he doesn't feel comfortable.

Once he was old enough to understand the asd, he became much happier in his own skin and less eager to please others. He knows what he likes and dislikes and maybe doesn't feel the pressure to fit.

Once again, thank you to all of the posters for your support during those really tough years.

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ILikTheBred · 31/03/2018 10:06

Thanks Mombie for posting. My son faces this problem with some of the children also. It’s heartbreaking. Good to know that your son has come through it.

Original poster

mombie · 22/05/2018 21:29

I wouldn't say we are out if the woods completely because my understanding of life at secondary school depends mostly on what he tells me. A key part of it has been a growth in confidence to say no to classmates (and teachers for that matter) when he felt uncomfortable. In the past he often felt obliged to comply in order to fit in and be doing the right thing but he doesn't so much now. Side effect being that he is turning into a cocky so and so! I hope your son manages to get through this difficult phase x

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LightTripper · 23/05/2018 07:35

Thanks for the update mombie. So useful for those of us with little ones following in your footsteps.

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