what do you do when you Child is really kicking off?

[anniebear]

I need to find something I can do to stop myself getting upset, resulting in my other DD comforting me :(

I have twins , they are 10 soon. One has SN and has terrible behaviour...hits herself so hard and smashes her firehead on the wall. screams at us, yells at us what to do. We do have help regarding her behaviour but not much seems to work......

So what do you do? I have tried to hold her hands to stop her, Ive sat and took deep breathes, have hummed to myself, have walked into another room, but often if it is so bad I get upset and often cry.

I really want to find a way so I can handle it and not get upset

any idea's? thank you

(ps I have been on Mumsnet for years and used to post on here lots, just have been a lurker for a while, so kind of feel bad asking for help)

Hey don't feel bad asking for help! We've all been there in some way. My DS has AS and when he has a meltdown (at home) we send him somewhere quiet usually his room and let him calm down. When he's at the point of screaming and telling us what to do, I realise that no amount of negotiating will help.

i often find him under his duvet after it's gone quiet and then we talk about what's happened to cause the situation. It's harder when not at home though.

thanks for replying

DD wouldnt go anywhere, she would stay with me, even if I put her in another room, she would come back in screaming at me.

I just need to find a way that I can cope with it and not get upset, twice in the last 4 days DD age 9 (her twin sister) has had her arms around me hugging me asking If I am ok :( feel she shouldnt be having to do that

Yes, my Ds when he was younger would follow me around screaming and you would need to be deaf or have the patience of a saint for it not to bother you. You're only human. I'm no expert by any means but if your DD won't go to a quiet area, maybe focus on doing something the twin and ignore as much as poss the noise from your other DD.

I have found in my experience that engaging with my DS is when he is in meltdown only prolongs things.

Does your DD have a diagnosis or know of her condition? We recently told Ds about his AS and this has proved useful in explaining things (when he is receptive) in terms of removing his jumper when it is hot as DS will not realise he is hot and become difficult to handle. We explained that he should take the advice of his parents or teacher re this as we are trying to help him and make him feel better.

You could talk to your DD and say (when she is calm) that when she is screaming at you, you would like her to go to her room as this may help her feel better shortly?

thank you

she had meningitis when she was younger, left her with brain damage, hydrocephalus, LD

have done the talking to her sibling, she just carrys on . I chat to her about her behaviour when she is calm, school have etc but then its all forgotten when she kicks off
Maybe I should get some ear plugs!

the noise of her head hitting the wall rings round the house, I get really upset by it and worry she will cause more harm to her brain

thank you

Had an awful morning, DD is up lots in the night, thats increasing at the moment, this morning was awful from 5.30, she was in a bad mood...dh opened the freezer door and she screamed she was cold, ran up stairs and BANG BANG BANG BANG on the wall with her head :O :( ...........all ove rthe freezer door being opened :/

I feel for you big time. My DS is being assessed for AS. His meltdowns and rages are no fun at all and very stressful. I used to be in tears and frustrated myself by the time he finished and calmed down. You have to be a saint not to get upset and yes it is awful when the rest of the family get involved in that upset.

It may sound silly to some but when my DS is being defiant or demanding and screaming. I just repeat calmly what I wished him to do and I dont track away from it. The same when he is on meltdown because he has had a stressful day or is just plain not happy. I reiterate time and time again "I now you are not happy right now when you calm down we will cuddle and talk" To be able to stay calm I have a hairband on my wrist and I pull it and let it go, pull and let it go. Not hard its a bit like tapping your fingers or tapping your foot iyswim. It keeps a sort of rythmn and I talk calmly and firmly with it as it keeps me on this earth and on the issue at hand rather than the urge to run and cry. I dont just stand there and flick I walk around the house picking bits up or adjusting curtains or picking fluff off the carpet then I am busy not rushing but not looking directly at my DS either which when he has full attention and being watched makes matters worse.

Maybe it will help you x

Know how you feel Annie (My youngest simply cannot be reasoned with before-definately not during- and never after either)
We try to anticipate it, not easy at all but can kind of suss sometimes if he's gonna switch- and it really is that quick. Could be the stupidest of things, obviously when he doesn't get his own way lol, but distraction sometimes works.
It's not easy and when they do flip like this it's horrendous...he can go on for hours and will vomit etc too...no quick fix I'm afraid but whatever tactic you decide on stick to it and try your best to stay calm in the face of such adversity! I know it's hard and you don't know whether to cry/shout/scream or take a whole bottle of valium half the time but if she sees you getting stressed she'll probably react even worse.

Is it possible she has a physical problem like earache, headache? Is she able to relate this to you? Just a thought, sadly no solutions, must be so upsetting

We're currently working on teaching DS2 to take deep breaths and count to ten or twenty to gain control of himself again. We're doing it during his calm times, so he's learning it. We've found that when he is just starting to kick off, we have managed to get him to calm down and avert a few meltdowns this way. We're hoping if we keep practicing it, that he will be able to use it to self-regulate his emotions a bit.

Once he is in a full-blown meltdown though, it's either taking him to his room to allow him the peace and quiet to calm down slowly (or get the screaming/shouting/crying out of his system) or big cuddles and quiet talking to him. A lot of it depends on specifically what the meltdown is about (if we can figure it out).

Anniebear, just a thought but I recently got loads of info from the challenging behaviour foundation (think it's CBF.com or ,org, something like that). Anyway got loads of stuff inc DVDs all free.
Watched one DVD so far and read some literature and seems quite helpful in some ways.
Like Sneezecake said it could be something like an ear infection and if she can't articulate this it could manifest as tantrums...

the countings what we and ss are teaching our dshe used to headbang but mostly he grew out of tht one thankfully he still slaps his forehead though .. how about loads and loads of cushions on the bed and try and get her to use this as a sfae comforting space when upset and litterally when in a more jolly mood show her how to bang her head on the bed and cushions or to pumell the cushions to release the anger and frustration.

I think for us that's something we've just finally clicked with for DS2 - that if we want him to be able to do something when he's upset, we have to introduce and practice that behaviour when he's NOT upset.... so that he gets used to it and is familiar with it. Obviously by the time he's in meltdown, he's not receptive to new ideas.

thank you so much for all your replies and idea's :)

Its not an ear ache or anything like that, as it has gone on for a long long time now! She would be able to tell me if something hurt

Its frustration, impulsivity, anger, and I don't know what else!

Just hate to see her hurt herself and worry she will suffer more brain damage :(

will check out CBF thank you

i have a dd who has meltdowns and the best cure i have found is to wrap myself around her and cuddle her. once she calms down a bit then i find some fruit helps her the rest of the way.

thanks again for your replies