My DS is soooo nasty to my DD!! Help please??

[Shugarlips]

Hi all

My son is 5 as I am sure he has aspergers. He has been seen by the Specialist Health Visitor who has submitted her report to the paed (she thinks he has aspergers too) and the school have completed their questionnaire and returned it (haven't seen it yet). We have been told we should expect our appoint with paed 6-9months after referral.

Meanwhile... My DS's sleeping patterns are horrendous but have been advised the GP won't prescribe anything until DS has diagnosis. Can just about cope with lack of sleep because we have been for 5 years anyway but what I cannot cope with is his aggressive behaviour towards his sister who is 11. He hits her for no reason, is never affectionate or kind to her and shouts over her when she speaks. He also says he hates her and/or dislikes her in a very calm and controlled way so not in anger which upsets her. He is very touchy, feely with her friends when they come over and they all think he is quite cute although they soon get fed up with him. I like it that she still brings her friends home and I don't want her to stop but I fear she will because a) her brother is annoying (her words) when she does and b) he is so horrid to her. He has always been controlling and aggressive with her but now he is getting to grips with words and can express himself better its got worse.

Why is he doing this and what can we do to make our family life more harmonious?!

Also whilst I am thinking of it I went into school to see his work as part of an open afternoon thing and DS wouldn't acknowledge me at all and was very bad tempered and it was all a bit embarrassing. The teacher encouraged him to come over and talk to me (his own mother!!). He then left the room, got his coat and wnated to go. When outside he was fine and OK with me again he just didn't want me there. Why?

Thank you for reading this

If he hits her, you should punish him instantly and in a way that he will definitely recognise as punishment - with aspergers/autism, I think wishy-washy doesn't work and you need to "show" not "tell". Before I get flamed, I do not mean physical punishment but I mean a very angry face, and 10 mins shut in room, or computer plug removed at once, or TV remote locked away - something tangible and consistent that he absolutely does not like, so he learns that you will not budge, there is a zero tolerance to violence. Then I think there should be something similar but lesser for rudeness. If you crack this early enough, you will save yourself a whole world of trouble in later life, but you need to be very very firm now. I am sorry but I don't believe in finding out WHY he hits his sister, or what sensory problems he has due to his possible aspergers, I just think he needs to be told that it's simply not on to be obnoxious and violent. I have an autistic boy who is rapidly on his way to being 6 ft 5, and I am very very very glad that someone gave me this exact advice when he was a lot younger. Good luck!

He may have ignored you in school because you are not supposed to be there, for some children home is home and school is school and never the twain shall meet.

Or he may have got his coat because seeing you meant it was time to go home.
You arriving at a different time could have confused him.

As far being horrid to his sister goes, we have this too, Dd2 and 3 are horrible to each other. Dd3 is being assessed for ASD, she likes to controll everything and Dd2 likes everything to be laid back. I do catch her goading Dd3 though [not saying your Dd is doing this].

I agree with sickof... about coming down hard on aggression. We use a yellow and red card to show Dd3 that her behaviour is unacceptable. Any aggression gets an instant red card which means she must leave whatever she is doing and sit at the dining room table for a while. For her the punishment is stopping whatever she is doing.

Someone else might come along with some more advice..

Agree :) and also use the red.. Yellow card system .

Violence is not happening.. End of story. Because it's not funny when they get bigger! My ds isn't as big as sickof's yet.. But he is as big as me and weighs the same .. And they grow and strong fast!

So it's a real nip it in the bud now thing purely for saftey.

Once the violent lark is under control you can work on the social/emotional side and sensory stuff and what might be causing various issues.

But at the end of the day he can't go out into society and be violent.

Lovely after school club have found a part-time place for ds1, so dd can have her friends round once a week.

sorry posted too soon. I explained the situation at home to the lady in charge, she took it to the committee and we jumped several places up the queue

Good luck with the no tolerance policy and keeping them apart where possible. I am going to be following the same advice with DS1 (AS/HFA, 4) as I am at my wits end.

DS2 (2.10) who was previously very gentle is mimicking the aggressive behaviour and getting into a serious bad habit of hitting, nipping and saying "i don't like you" to everyone he meets.

DH has always taken a softly softly approach until now so I have been the only one taking it seriously, but I have read DH the riot act (after having a complete meltdown and tried to help him see what might happen to our family if we don't get this under control now. He is finally starting to come around, which is a relief because I was running out of steam. I have no idea how mums/dads on there own cope with SN. Hats off.