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SN children

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Original poster

So called 'friend' sent me an email.

24 replies

ShadeofViolet · 11/11/2010 21:48

Well she is more of an acquaintance - we met at a surestart group.

We met her by chance at the park this afternoon and this evening she has ffelt the need to email me to tell me that my sons behaviour is unacceptable and should be looked at, and that I shouldnt take him out if I cannot control him :(

Her DD is a little older than DS2 and she kept getting in his face which is his major pet hate. He gritted his teeth and said the phrase that he always says when people get in his space (something he has copied from Ben and Holly) - he didnt hit her, didnt touch her and when she backed off he went off quite happily. He is only 3.8 so just a baby really even without the ASD (which 'friend' is aware of).

Its not a friendship I will miss, but what she has said really hurts.

OP posts:

Ineed2 · 11/11/2010 21:54

What a strange thing to do, she sounds a bit wierd, It is her who has a problem not you or your Ds it sounds like he handled the situation really well.

And they say it's the ASD kids who need help with social skills!!

Goblinchild · 11/11/2010 21:54

She needs to help her DD understand that when your son says 'Go Away' or whatever his phrase is, he means it.
My DS took ages to learn how to say something, he just used to shove or hit instead, so well done to you and him for managing that.
She's being over-precious and is someone you should disregard, she knew about the ASD and doesn't understand, or want to.
Sadly, with a DS of 16, all I can do is say that you will meet many more like her along the way. You can drive past them, or over them. Just don't take them with you.

Triggles · 11/11/2010 22:05

There is nothing wrong with your son telling her to step back out of his face. DS2 gets really edgy when people are in his face, and I don't blame him - I don't like it either.

I can't believe she sent you that email! What a nasty thing to do.

ghoulsforgodot · 11/11/2010 22:32

You could be petty and reply something along the lines of " Talking of unacceptable behaviour, you really need to teach your DD to respect personal space"

Eveiebaby · 11/11/2010 22:42

Ignore her(easier said then done I know)! - she sounds ignorant and a bit of a drama queen. If she knows about your DS's ASD then why is she saying his behaviour should be looked at? She obviously knows little about ASD.

sickofsocalledexperts · 11/11/2010 22:43

Email her back and tell her to grow up and fuck off. Kids of 3/4 have spats in playgrounds, ASD or no ASD, that's life, she needs to learn about that if she's to progress as a mother. She also needs to educate herself and learn some tolerance of autism and other differences, or she's basically bringing up the next generation of bigots. I think I used some of those exact words when a woman did similar to me when my DS was 4. NB - only do this if she is not actually insane and/or likely to have an insane husband. She is a complete over-precious mother, with zero empathy - karma will get her in the end. God help her DD.

pinkstarlight · 11/11/2010 23:58

take no notice she sounds like a very overprotective mum,shes going to be in for a real hard time if she carries on like that alot worse things are going to happen to her child as children fall out all the time.
dont let her make you feel bad instead feel very proud of your son, you dont need people like that in your life just delete her.

FiveOrangePips · 12/11/2010 00:32

She sounds like a horrible person. I understand you being hurt and angry, it is easy to say ignore.

I would want to respond, show her that she has been ignorant, rude and a complete arse, without losing the moral high ground.

It sounds like her dd was antagonising your ds and it is a pity your acquaintance could not see her daughter's behaviour was the issue! Really she should have been apologising not having a go at you.

If you can, respond in a dignified manner, but mostly I would ignore her. Just say she obviously doesn't understand ASD and you could send her some links -so she can enlighten herself and be a better parent!

Having a child with sn can be pretty gruelling, you need to focus on what is important and what will help your ds. These kind of things tend to hurt and toughen you up at the same time! At least you know what she is thinking now, and you can avoid her in the future.

telluthetruth · 12/11/2010 06:24

so agree with all the comments and want to add that i too have had this experience with ignorant and overprotective parents who seem to lack empathy. to email you is a sign that this really is a person you need to avoid as she has issues and it could get messy.

if you are likely to meet her in the park again i would send an e mail with links as at the very least if she does bother to read them it might stop her from bothering you.

I also used to prompt my ds by saying 'remember to tell so and so you need a bit of space' quite pointedly thereby giving the other parent the big hint that my ds wasn't comfortable with their child getting in his face....

HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/11/2010 06:33

I know it's petty, but it would eat at me so much that I would simply not be able to ignore it, because I'd feel she'd 'won'

so I'd have to reply.

Something like

When you have a child with autism, you can have an opinion on how they should be handled.

I apologise without reservation for taking my autistic child out in public without his leash. I wish to reassure you that I have this very minute made arrangements for him to be taken from me and placed in an institution, never again will
I force his unholy presence on normal people.

perhaps you should train your daughter to stay out of people's faces before you start commenting on the parenting skills of other people.

fuck you, you ignorant bitch, you know nothing of autism.

But I suggest you enjoy the above and ignore. I have a major problem with letting people 'win'.

mummytime · 12/11/2010 06:57

YANBU, she is! He didn't hit her that is better than my NT kids might do at that age to someone who "bothers" them. Maybe her daughter has problems? Or is it just bad parenting? Or really just her daughter being deliberately annoying (which it would be if it was DD1 and DS).

Do take him out lots, he sounds as if he was copying very well.

Triggles · 12/11/2010 06:57

lol Hecate - I know which one I'd choose but I suppose one of the less confrontational ones would be recommended as more appropriate.

I had a friend that "discussed" DS2's behaviour with another friend (which I know because she told me they had discussed it), and I was a bit about it, however, I chose to let it go this time as I know it wasn't in a nasty sniping type of way. I did, however, calmly mention that I was "a bit uncomfortable" with her discussing him with others, so hopefully that's the end of that.

fightingthezombies · 12/11/2010 07:43

You don't need people like that around you or your ds so I would just drop her and not even respond. I had an incident with a friend of over 20 years who lost it with my ds over nothing. She shouted and swore at him causing a big upset. Also said that ALL SN kids should be in special schools so 'normal' children like hers could get on at school. Felt that teachers gave too much attention to special needs and it wasn't fair .She was obviously showing her true colours so we walked out of her house and had totally no contact since. Life is hard enough having a child with SN without having to cope with ignorant people like that.

Spinkle · 12/11/2010 08:19

Sheesh!!

I'll bet that has made you feel really sad.

Stupid precious woman. I'd not reply myself, just don't waste your energy because she's not worth it.

Just feel sorry for her kid who stupid other seems to think she should fight all her kids battles for her.

My childminder's kid seems to hate my DS. He's year younger but in the same class at school and I see him be out and out nasty to DS. I say nothing as DS doesn't seem to notice. But one day he will. And he's a LOT bigger

bullet234 · 12/11/2010 09:24

She sounds dreadful. I would go for the email saying:
"Due to my son's ASD he has difficulties with social interaction. I was extremely pleased, therefore, with the way that he handled the situation of your daughter getting too close to him, something he finds very distressing. Whilst we shall continue to help him with those aspects of his ASD that cause him difficulties, it shall be done with the support of friends who understand the huge amount of work he has to do just to learn skills that a "typical" child will pick up naturally."

StarkAndWitchesWillFindYou · 12/11/2010 14:09

Shade Delete it from your inbox and delete it from your mind. Educating her is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is far greater and she is unworthy of your time.

post · 12/11/2010 14:26

I've said in the past, 'wow, so does your dc have age-appropriate social skills, hitting all the milestones, then? Gosh, that's great. Mine doesn't and possibly never will.'
Though, at 3.5, it sounds like your ds was actually doing brilliantly. She's got her own issues, and yes, her issues are so not your responsibility. Don't bother feeling hurt, just not worth it.

JiggeryPoverty · 12/11/2010 14:35

Post the email on here, removing identifying details, we'll all comment, then just emial her back with a link the this thread.

Rude ignorant daft woman. Lol at Hecate's suggestins - tempting to send one of those though!

Mustbetimeforwine · 12/11/2010 15:10

Grrrrrrr!!!

Loving Hecate's response. Although, it's probably not going to benefit your ds in the long run. Would definitely make you feel better though.

How dare she!! I remember about a year ago I was at mother and toddler group with my dd and dd started throwing toys on the floor because this horrible woman had told her off for taking a toy off her little girl. After telling my dd off she marched over to me and said "you see, when their parents teach them to share, they don't behave like this and my dd certainly wouldn't behave in that way". My dd was already showing signs at that age, so I sort of knew something wasn't quite right. I was so angry that someone could say that to you!!! Too many people like that around i'm afraid. Like to live in their own little bubble, yet somehow seem to know how to raise everybody's children. It's tempting to tell them to take their parental advice and stick it!!

Aaaaaaand breathe.

Faaamily · 12/11/2010 15:27

You don't need this 'friend'. Friends talk to each other and support each other. They don't send bitchy emails.

Forget her.

catinthehat2 · 12/11/2010 15:38

Strongly advise you NOT to respond, NOT to engage, NOT to put anything in writing at all. If possible, ignore the note, ignore the woman, pretend she doesn't exist and is a stranger. Shortly she will become one.

"Non-person" her, she is not necessary for your survival.

anotherbrickinthewall · 12/11/2010 16:47

yep tempting as it would be to tell this appalling woman to f off, cat is right I think, you have no reason to engage with her, best to ignore.

chuckeyegg · 13/11/2010 02:44

Don't respond like the other say put it from your mind and forget her. Don't waste precious emotional energy worrying about it.

Agnesdipesto · 13/11/2010 07:05

Ignore it for now but keep the email. Harassment because of disability or because you are related to someone who is disabled is a disability hate crime. If she does it again tell her that and if she continues you will report the harrassment to the police. That's going to be my standard response if it ever happens to me.

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