As the title suggests, I am in 2 minds on whether I should send my autistic (possibly ADHD) child into nursery and mainstream school.
Context:
- I personally don't and have never believed in small children being away from their primary caregivers. After having my SEND child, I felt that passionately more than ever, seeing his vulnerability and how much patience is needed with him, which people doing a day job and managing 30 or so other kids simply will not have!
Also not to be weird, but why do we just accept things for what they are... just because a rigid and outdated system has been created and is followed by the masses, why do we feel compelled to squeeze our kids into it if it will not work for them, all in the name of "norms" 🤔
- I completed my PGCE in the last academic year and have been absolutely APPALLED (understatement) by what I have seen within schools. E.g. TA's using force with severely SEND kids (do not even get my started on how adults that lack training are made to work with children that require adults having the highest levels of training!), class teachers completely neglecting SEND kids and seeing them as an absolute burden but then putting on a front when external visitors/parents come in, working on and completing targets for EHCP's in the last few days of documents needing to be submitted, absolutely 0 differentiation/adaptation for SEND kids in class so the education is completely inaccessible to them and they do literally 0 learning, constant telling off SEND kids leading to other children framing that child to be a certain way (getting that child into trouble, picking on the child to get a reaction, isolating them etc.), thinking SEND kids need extra discipline so being strict and firm with them as opposed to working with them and approaching with empathy, I mean the list can go on... in a nutshell, every class I was in, I would imagine my child being in that class and would think absolutely no way would he survive here without it affecting his mental wellbeing (because yes he would eventually "get used to it", but would he really be happy???) - also this will only get worse since budgets are shrinking and costs are rising. Children with EHCP's requiring 1:1 are simply not getting it, I have heard from a parent their child is 1:6 despite having severe needs and that is the primary school I wanted to send my son to.
I have always been on the ball with getting my child help. Advice from professionals from day 1 has always been put him in nursery. Up until a few weeks ago, he had no functional language and extremely poor cognition (he still has a long way to go). I would have been sending my child in blind, not knowing how he feels, what has happened, how people are treating him and I felt evil for throwing him in like that. He is very happy and comfortable at home, which I will attribute his immense growth to within just the last 6 months - he is a TOTALLY different child!
I am very happy to educate my child (my PGCE specialises in early years so I have the insight). We do some unstructured low stakes sort of learning and he thrives with me because I am his safe space. He is SO intelligent and picks things up very quick, but only because I am able to scaffold, offer 1:1 attention and motivation in a way I know will connect to him. He will absolutely not get that in mainstream classrooms. Also, some days are better than others, flexibility is a must for him! It is so hard to get him to sit down and work which is why sometimes learning lasts a few minutes. He requires everything to be very hands on/game-like. The way schools are children are expected to sit on the carpet for up to 20 minutes listening to a teacher and then another 20 or so minutes completing worksheets/workbooks at their table... he simply can not do this, schools would essentially be babysitting him as he would take nothing in!
On the flip side, I worry so much I will be "holding him back" and missing the experience of school. I do eventually want him to go into mainstream school, maybe around year 2/3, but only when I feel he is school ready. At the rate he is going, I give him another 1-2 years to be in that confident place (fingers crossed). I want him to socialise with other children, I want him to have friends. He is such a lovely boy who absolutely beams with smiles and laughter all day long, I don't want him to go in "weak" or vulnerable and be let down by the teachers, other kids and lose his spark. There are malicious people out there that can target him for simply being himself. I see the way children treat him now and they will almost always avoid him or ask him to go away so as not to "ruin" their games.
I'm fully aware (as I have often been told) I come across as a helicopter or overprotective parent, but I just think my concerns are not based on emotion but my real observation of the mainstream school system that is completely failing SEND kids. I don't want to "try it out" and cause my child extreme mental distress only to pull him out years later and try and recover from his experience as many seem to have done all across TikTok (alternatively he could have the best time and I'd be worrying for nothing...).
At the moment, he should be in nursery and is due to start next month. But as the time is coming closer, I just can not see him thriving or happily settling there. He is stuck to me (I can understand why, it's a big scary world and only I mostly understand him), and will always want to leave a place after 30-45 minutes, how will he last 3/6 hours!!! I have visited at least 10 nurseries and none of them make me feel like this is a place designed with a child like mine in mind. It's so robotic and almost lacking empathy, which is NOT what my child needs. Also, I worry so much for his safety. He has a tendency to mouth things and when I ask will someone be able to watch him at all times, the answer indirectly is no... so how do I send him in knowing he may choke 😐.
Am I crazy for going against professional advice and considering home educating my child until I feel he is confident and ready to go into the brutal system we call mainstream schools? Has anyone had any experience of home educating their SEND child? In a very ideal world schools would allow part-time attendance e.g. half a day, could that be a solution, has anyone done this?? Shall I send him in and then offer to be his 1:1 for free as a volunteer, but I feel with headteachers' earth size ego most would reject... solutions?? or am I simply overthinking...