How do we manage false allegations from our child?

[Outofmydepth63]

Hello posted this recently in 30 days and was advised to post it here and SEN so here goes....

Not sure if I am looking for support, advice or a sounding board but need to put it down as I feel numb and have no one to talk to.

Context: we have two children. One, the older, is adopted and we (us and school) suspect SEN. Second is our bio child.

One of the issues we face with our oldest (5) is he lies. Little lies that are normal like he didn't take something, he didn't hit his sister etc. And then bigger ones like nanny kicked me on weeks he hasn't seen nanny or me and this kid went here on weekends he hasnt left the house. More serious ones like the nursery nurse hit me when I know they haven't as it has been their week off so no contact with him.

Most recently he has told the school his dad hurts him. He does not. I know loads of people claim that but I am 100% sure. Problem is they now say he can't be alone with dad and I am scared senseless. Had a Dr's check and no marks other than the ones from jumping of monkey bars, running into a door, running into a tree etc that all happened at school.

Social worker won't even hear what my husband has to say, doesn't respond to messages and never contacts me to tell me any of this and won't even talk to the after school club he attends when they offered to vouch for the number of injuries they alone have come across during the school day and in their care.

I feel sick and the worse part is now me, dad and grandparents all feel scared to be alone with him. I feel like even if this all goes away there is something that has happened to our family I'm scared we can't fix.

To make matters worse, just this week we have had dinner and after watching the kids push their last bits around for over 10 minutes dad said if was time to get ready for bed and my son said "he hit me". My husband hadn't moved near him at all, was not even next to him. My family and his feel unsafe and unsure around him and if I am honest I am starting to feel the same now. I don't think we can repair this anymore is my worry.

GP can offer no support as they say they can't refer till he is 6. School have tried 3 IEPs and floated holding back a year but then decided against it. They then told us best course of action would be right to choose pathway, hence the GP so we are stuck in a loop there.

Please be gentle. I'm not ok and it seems to keep getting worse

Is he aware that he is lying?

For me that is a huge distinction to make - because there is a big difference between children who at 5, understand what is and isn't the truth, but choose to then tell lies. This would be most NT children, and to some degree or less isn't that uncommon, and can usually be dealt with early on at this age before it becomes a bigger problem.

But then you get some children who just can't distinguish between reality, and what is going on in their head/imagination/dreams/stories etc. And they just don't have a distinction between what actually happened, and what they are saying happened.

For the first type of child, you should be able to manage by intervention, discussion, rewards/punishments etc. normal behavioral stuff. Rewards for telling the truth, and admitting a lie.. confronting them with evidence so they have to accept it.. consequences for continued lying.. explaining with examples that put them in the victims place.. stories that include lying etc..

But if it is the second, and like a ND issue - then none of that could work. In which case, other people can advise better than me, but getting anything in writing/diagnosed/confirmed, so that you have that there to show people to basically say "Look, my son makes things up, don't believe him, but it isn't his fault" to anyone who hears his stories. I don't live in the UK, so other posters are better to advise on that specific medical process.

Some children do struggle with fantasy vs reality and telling the truth. This can more likely if the child has additional needs or has experienced trauma.

I’d speak to school staff and use a joint strategy. There are materials available to work on the issue.

https://www.twinkl.co.uk/resource/telling-the-truth-ks1-single-session-intervention-pack-t-lf-1736343802

I think these are free resources but most schools have a Twinkl log in. There are true / false cards on there.
You could start small and make obvious statements about basics like what you are wearing or what you’ve eaten. Have some ticks and crosses/ true or not true cards. I’m sure you will find lots of books about telling the truth or ask at the library.

What SEN is suspected? The need to be 6 before referral is relevant for ADHD, but not for other diagnoses or support. I think you need to press your GP harder.