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SEN

Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

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Original poster

shouldn't, I know, but can't help feeling cheated of happy, "normal" family life(ds dyspraxic/adhd)

17 replies

MissChief · 28/03/2008 05:16

said it now. I do love him, though the worry & care of him has created so many of my grey hiars, thank God for highlights!
I know many parents have so much worse, I know we all have some difficulties in our lives to cope with and htis is mine, but still, it's bloody hard at times. Maybe Im ust not much of a trooper. also the only one awake so am posting to myself..shall go now!

OP posts:

Stargazer · 28/03/2008 06:14

I know what you mean - mine's only got ADHD and some obsessive issues. It's hard, but I love him so much. Sending you hugs.

myalias · 28/03/2008 07:41

Totally understand where you are coming from - my ds has Aspergers. I find it's worse at weekends and half term - routine goes out the window.

cazcaz · 28/03/2008 09:03

Oh misschief, I think it's perfectly normal to feel sad for the family life you thought you would have. I do if a particularly bad day. My son doesn't have the same problems as yours but he does have special needs and health issues and sometimes I could and do cry for hours!

You are a trooper because you do just get on with it and deal with the difficulties.

Original poster

MissChief · 28/03/2008 09:09

thanks, not the most selfless of people though so am having to try..it is upsetting, isn't it? dh keeps saying stop catastrphosing it, don't make it such a big deal , I think it is a big deal, otoh, I know he's right in that it cd be so mich worse and it's also normal life for us now, so best get on with it.

OP posts:

sarah293 · 28/03/2008 09:12

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Original poster

MissChief · 28/03/2008 09:27

oh riven, i'm so sorry. I shouldn't be complaining, I hope you get lots of support with dd. Big hug.

OP posts:

cazcaz · 28/03/2008 09:31

Riven it is just that I think - grief. I suspect that it is probably good for us to have a good cry on our own. I feel very on yours and your dd's behalf just reading your story.

misschief my dh says similar things, and to a point he's right. Of course things could be so much worse and it does help to remember that, but it doesn't stop my mind working overtime worrying for his adult life, or his life now if something were to happen to me and my dh.

If I feel like this at night I sometimes go into his room to watch him sleeping and feel and all at the same time!

hecate · 28/03/2008 09:32

we all go through this, it's perfectly normal. Try not to beat yourself up over it!

Original poster

MissChief · 28/03/2008 14:05

it really helps to hear that everyone goes thro it - know it's blindingly obvious but it doesn't feel like it often out in the real world. My family are totally unsupportive, dh's know nothing as yet and not told any friends aty all so it's just the 2 of us working thro it atm, dh rather reluctantly.

OP posts:

Lumley · 28/03/2008 15:46

I always feel robbed and will always be sad about dds disability and how it has disabled the family unit. I too know that others have it much worse than me and dd but pain is pain and the feeling is bloody terrible.
Lumley

cory · 30/03/2008 11:42

My child is less disabled than those of many others on here and I still grieve- not for the child I thought I'd have, but for the life, for the family I thought we'd be. I always saw us out there on the ridge, battling against the wind, scrambling down muddy footpaths. It's not going to happen. And there are times when I feel I'm growing so old, just stuck indoors like a caged animal. And that's before I even start to think what it might be like for dd.

I think it's all right to hide away for a sneaky cry. Let's lean on each others' shoulders!

cazcaz · 30/03/2008 18:17

Cory I think that sums up how I feel actually- OLD!

I also find it hard at the end of the day when he is asleep and I think of the day that has gone and how fustrated I have felt or how impatient and the guilt just builds up.

For us we are very early post diagnosis of a genetic condition so I guess we are just coming to terms with the fact that this is forever, and while some things may improve some just won't.

But we have just had a lovely weekend and my gorgeous scrummy boy has just learnt to peddle his bike, after being told he probably wouldn't ever be able to!!

Mousie · 30/03/2008 18:57

yes, gruesome weekend, feel totally self pitying with my lot. wish i could accept my dd more. how has anyone done this - come through the realisation that a child is different - and accepted it. My dd is so demanding and difficult to be with and exhausting I just wish she wasn't with us much of the time. Feel criminal just writing this down.

cazcaz · 30/03/2008 19:13

Mousie, poor you on having a bad weekend. Please don't feel bad at writing it down. Thats the beauty of anonimity isn't it? That we can write down our innermost secret thoughts that we can't reveal in rl.

I think that acceptance of our childrens differences is extremely difficult and must take a long time, rather like the grieving process.

sarah293 · 30/03/2008 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mousie · 30/03/2008 19:47

thank you both. Yes I feel as if I have no support in RL - if I say anything remotely extreme people shy away. my dd has adhd and is very behaviourally challening. she is not physically disabled but mentally is totally exhausting and unsatisfying to parent much of the time. She is rude and violent to me and just so weird all the time - finds school hard, has no friends and is dropping like a stone academically, suddenly. I am seeing a child psychiatrist but there is still no real support for me. Lots of people on mumsnet seem so much more able to love their sn kids and accepting of their good points. At the moment I can't really see her good points, I just see her differences and want an easier life so badly. My parents had both my kids for 24 hours a few weeks back and were shattered wrecks at the end of it. both in tears. I felt furious with them instead of grateful, which is really mean I know. because they hadn't coped and also the fact that I have to put up with it 24/7 not just one day in a year. Oh god, sunday evening is not really the time to be rational is it? and the easter holidays loom at end of next week too.

cazcaz · 30/03/2008 20:20

Mousie, I have no experience of the conditions that your dd has, although ds2's genetic condition means that him developing autism/adhd is quite high, but I just wanted to offer you a shoulder and to say that I understand your fustration and distress.

Do you have DH/DP to be supportive? (sorry if appear nosey but you sound very alone today)

My ds is only four but I can imagine that the thought of the school holidays and all the extra pressures that brings must be very depressing.

I hope that you find some help and support for you and your dd, maybe the child psych will be able to point you in the right direction. (parent partnership is often a good place to start)

I hope that you have a peaceful evening and please try not to beat yourself up about how you feel, you may not always like your child but I suspect that again thats quite normal.

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