Sisters newborn

[AnAussieMum]

Hi all,
I am a long time reader first time poster.
My sister had her first baby 10 weeks ago at 39.
He's the most beautiful baby boy and this is my first time at being an aunty so I am super excited. I myself have 3 girls, I was pretty lucky my girls were pretty good as babies.
My poor sister is having the worst time at the moment and its been ongoing since he was about 3 days old I think.
He just seems so unhappy, he is very hard to settle.
He crys ALLOT and won't sleep. When he does sleep and she puts him down he wakes straight up.
He won't self settle AT ALL!
He just seems to want to sleep on her.
She has tried everything that we can think off and I am at the point that I feel like now its just him. There's nothing that she can do except ride it out.
Her partner works away and has 1 on 1 off roster. He's just gone back to work last week however my mums there every night to help her as he isn't getting to sleep until about 11.30-12 at night.
Shes trying to get him in routine of some sort so she said she's bathing him around 5.30 but then spends the rest of the night trying to get him to bed.
I spent the day with her today and went to the shop.
So his routine as far as I know went.
Last night bath 5.30 finally settled 12am
7am woke up and had feed.
8am back to bed and woke at 1020.
Cried on and off all day, she fed changed burped everything we could think off.
He tends to spend 5-10 mins happy then cries until we can either settle him or he is fed again.
I left her at 210 and he was still not sleeping, just crying.
He is tired, you can see he is fighting sleep. I believe he spends so much time fighting sleep that he is then over tired. Then its been so long he is hungry and it just goes around in circles.
Its heartbreaking for her and of course for my precious nephew.
I would love to know if anyone else has some tips and has experienced any of the above issues.
Thanks in advance.
He hates the car and cries the whole time he's in it. I sat in the back with him today, tried talking to him, touching him, singing to him. The only thing that settled him was watching a random video of childs birthday and everyone singing happy birthday. Over and over and over again.
He hates the pram so she really can't even walk him as he screams after about 5-10 mins.

Does he have silent reflux?

I had this baby. I literally tried everything and so did everyone else. I can only sympathise as your post resonated with me a lot. The only time she was quiet was when she was breastfeeding, which is also the only thing that put her to sleep. The second she lost boob, all hell broke loose. I could never place her down, I couldn’t get anything else done. I also had a 3 year old to cope with and I spent a lot of the time crying.
She was checked over repeatedly but no medical issues. Some babies are just like this and it’s incredibly difficult but it is what it is.

She turned into the most amazing child once she could communicate and we were able to understand each other. Being independent with walking and moving around also helped lots.

I'm sorry :(

CMPA?

Reason I ask if that babies who do struggle to sleep on their backs.

Mine does, so he sleeps in the sling at 12 weeks in the daytime so that I can save putting him down for the nights.

Don't worry about self settling at 10 weeks. So babies cannot do it yet. Especially if reflux and/or overtired.

First step, focus on getting them both some sleep, by whatever means. If baby sleeps on her in sling in the day, great.

Second step, fix a bedtime routine, which is sounds like she is doing. Baby will get what night and day is. Does baby like being swaddled? If fed and held upright in a swaddle with back rubbed for 30 mins, will baby sleep for a bit? Does baby need a dummy to calm down, rather than another feed?

You sound like a lovely sister, but, and please don't take this the wrong way, you may be putting pressure on your sister. Some babies are hard work. Sounds like she has one and maybe your babies were easier. This baby is still normal though and 10 weeks is really very early. Lots of babies are not in routines yet (or in routines that are based around how long they can stay awake for - at the same age, I had to put mine back in the sling every hour. That was my daytime routine). Lots of babies might need 5 naps still at this point and will still be changing quite a bit. Some babies can do Gina Ford from birth. Some can't. Try to encourage her to be kinder to herself and not to see this period as a failure.

He is teeeeeeny to have a routine. Sounds like either silent reflux or cows milk protien allergy. My LO had this and lived in a wrap for the first 6 months of his life so he could be upright

Id push the drs to see if they can do anything to help and invest in a carrier. My LO also refused a pram as they couldnt get comfortable laid down

Of course he is not self settling - he is a new born.

I agree that he may have reflux. Tell her to try and sling and cosleeping if she can safely.

@guiltguiltguilt

Does he have silent reflux?

They started him on infacol a few weeks ago as they thought it might be this however it made him throw up allot and they didn't feel it helped at all. They tried it for about a week.

@Vallmo47

I had this baby. I literally tried everything and so did everyone else. I can only sympathise as your post resonated with me a lot. The only time she was quiet was when she was breastfeeding, which is also the only thing that put her to sleep. The second she lost boob, all hell broke loose. I could never place her down, I couldn’t get anything else done. I also had a 3 year old to cope with and I spent a lot of the time crying. She was checked over repeatedly but no medical issues. Some babies are just like this and it’s incredibly difficult but it is what it is.

She turned into the most amazing child once she could communicate and we were able to understand each other. Being independent with walking and moving around also helped lots.

Thank you, that seems like my little nephew. She had allot of problems with her milk supply and took her along time to establish breastfeeding. She still supplements with formula as her supply isn't great but she feels that its been much better in the past few weeks with breastfeeding. I think that's the conclusion we have come too that he is just a difficult baby. I guess there's that little bit of hope that there might be something that we habnt tried though. I am glad you daughter turned the corner :-) I heard how hard it was for my sister and have seen him cry however today I really saw how difficult it was as he just wouldn't settle.

@TH22

I'm sorry :(

CMPA?

Sorry I am not sure what that means ?

@guiltguiltguilt

Reason I ask if that babies who do struggle to sleep on their backs.

Mine does, so he sleeps in the sling at 12 weeks in the daytime so that I can save putting him down for the nights.

Don't worry about self settling at 10 weeks. So babies cannot do it yet. Especially if reflux and/or overtired.

First step, focus on getting them both some sleep, by whatever means. If baby sleeps on her in sling in the day, great.

Second step, fix a bedtime routine, which is sounds like she is doing. Baby will get what night and day is. Does baby like being swaddled? If fed and held upright in a swaddle with back rubbed for 30 mins, will baby sleep for a bit? Does baby need a dummy to calm down, rather than another feed?

You sound like a lovely sister, but, and please don't take this the wrong way, you may be putting pressure on your sister. Some babies are hard work. Sounds like she has one and maybe your babies were easier. This baby is still normal though and 10 weeks is really very early. Lots of babies are not in routines yet (or in routines that are based around how long they can stay awake for - at the same age, I had to put mine back in the sling every hour. That was my daytime routine). Lots of babies might need 5 naps still at this point and will still be changing quite a bit. Some babies can do Gina Ford from birth. Some can't. Try to encourage her to be kinder to herself and not to see this period as a failure.

Thank you, my 3rd daughter was much more settled on her belly than her back and we discovered that at about 12 hours old she preferred to be laid over our arms. I have tried this with him before and she has also tried it, he doesn't seem to like it at all. I will ask her again about tummy sleeping. She has said before they said not to swaddle him so she has the sleep bag with the little angel wings. I did suggest to swaddle him and just see how he went as at this point she was willing to try anything. However he was still the same.

She does put him in his sleep sack when she feels he is tired then cuddles him upright which is the position he likes the most. As soon as she puts him down hes eyes are straight open again. Shes tried this when he is asleep and also when he is sleepy. It doesn't seem to matter either way as his eyes pop straight open either way.

Thank you I appreciate it and I am not offended at all. I am very careful what I say to her and how I say it.
I feel like she has the pressure on herself she feels that he "is not normal" and "it's my job to work out what's wrong with him and help him"

At first I thought there must be an issue somewhere that we didn't know about but now I feel that he is a difficult baby.

I did have it easy with my 3 mostly.
They all self settled and id put them to bed wide awake. So I guess as much as this is a shock for her its also one for me.
Don't worry I dont tell her any of the above I don't want her to feel any worse than she does.

I try to be positive and have just started saying today perhaps this is just him, things will change, there will be a time where things get easier. As she says though, when? She certainly can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.
She is such a lovely patient mumma. So much better than I would be!

Can I just ask what you mean by you would have to put your baby in the sling every hour?
So she would wake and to settle her you would put her in the sling then get her back to bed again ?

@guiltguiltguilt

Reason I ask if that babies who do struggle to sleep on their backs.

Mine does, so he sleeps in the sling at 12 weeks in the daytime so that I can save putting him down for the nights.

Don't worry about self settling at 10 weeks. So babies cannot do it yet. Especially if reflux and/or overtired.

First step, focus on getting them both some sleep, by whatever means. If baby sleeps on her in sling in the day, great.

Second step, fix a bedtime routine, which is sounds like she is doing. Baby will get what night and day is. Does baby like being swaddled? If fed and held upright in a swaddle with back rubbed for 30 mins, will baby sleep for a bit? Does baby need a dummy to calm down, rather than another feed?

You sound like a lovely sister, but, and please don't take this the wrong way, you may be putting pressure on your sister. Some babies are hard work. Sounds like she has one and maybe your babies were easier. This baby is still normal though and 10 weeks is really very early. Lots of babies are not in routines yet (or in routines that are based around how long they can stay awake for - at the same age, I had to put mine back in the sling every hour. That was my daytime routine). Lots of babies might need 5 naps still at this point and will still be changing quite a bit. Some babies can do Gina Ford from birth. Some can't. Try to encourage her to be kinder to herself and not to see this period as a failure.

Sorry I forgot to add. He won't take a dummy she has tried all different types. She does think the breastfeeding is at times for comfort. As she said though it's the only thing that settles him so she goes with it. They did show her at her latest lactation consultant how to breastfeed him laying down in bed safely.

Oh what I meant was that he could only do About an hour and a bit awake. So my "routine" was (and still is) to feed every 2.5 hours (obvs earlier if demanded), wind with lots of back rubbing, then a bit of awake time relaxed and bonding, then back in the sling at 1hr 10-15 after last nap with a dummy if needed. Then sleep for 1-1hr 15, then repeat.

@CatsWhiskers2020

He is teeeeeeny to have a routine. Sounds like either silent reflux or cows milk protien allergy. My LO had this and lived in a wrap for the first 6 months of his life so he could be upright

Id push the drs to see if they can do anything to help and invest in a carrier. My LO also refused a pram as they couldnt get comfortable laid down

Thank you. I am not sure about the reflux Can you tell me the signs for this ? She did try infacol but it made him throw up allot and didn't seem to help. Ohh now I think that infacol is for colic that she tried sorry. I will goggle the silent reflux and see what she thinks.

She has asked the child health nurses and several doctors. She feels they have been really un helpful and basically said that's just him.

I did get her to ask about lactose intolerance as my middle daughter was lactose intolerant.
They didn't seem to think that was it and he really doesn't have enough of the symptoms

@Fitforforty

Of course he is not self settling - he is a new born.

I agree that he may have reflux. Tell her to try and sling and cosleeping if she can safely.

Thank you I will look into the reflux for her more.

When you say he went down at midnight then woke and fed at 7am was he asleep all that time? If so that's amazing for a 10 week old and unlikely to be silent reflux, my 10 month old with it can bear lot manage an hour lying flat.
Also Infacol is for colic not reflux, if this is something she suspects then the doctor needs to prescribe medication.
He is still very young so I wouldn't worry, maybe read up on the fourth trimester, this sounds very much like it.

If he sleeps upright on her, he will probably manage a sling well.

So, can you work out his awake time? Then do a version of a very gentle schedule based on that?

Sounds as if he may have silent reflux if feeding for comfort when not hungry - they do that to soothe their throats. Most grow out of it by 4-6 months. Mine is on omeprazole as it is really bad (wheezing, hiccups, a period where he just screamed and refused for feed) and I am on an exclusion diet and it is miles and miles better, but it isn't a miracle cure, just need to wait until his sphincter is stronger and he doesn't get heartburn any more really and make him as comfortable as possible).

@guiltguiltguilt

Oh what I meant was that he could only do About an hour and a bit awake. So my "routine" was (and still is) to feed every 2.5 hours (obvs earlier if demanded), wind with lots of back rubbing, then a bit of awake time relaxed and bonding, then back in the sling at 1hr 10-15 after last nap with a dummy if needed. Then sleep for 1-1hr 15, then repeat.

Thank you. I think this would be great but be won't sleep that long which seems to be most of the issue. He seems to do 15-30 mins and then that's it he can't be re settled.

I do think it's all rather confusing as she seems to spend so much time trying to settle him to sleep that then by the time he does sleep its too late and he is hungry so it starts again.

Is he overtired? Or does he have wind?

mine would not go down for longer than half an hour on his back at the moment but will relax and sleep on me in a sling for much longer.

Is he sleeping from 12-7? Because that sounds amazing for a 10 week old!

I think if I was her I’d have him nap every 1.5hrs through the day in a sling (if he won’t settle in his bed during the day) and I’d feed him as often as needed to soothe him. Then bedtime may be a little easier. In the evening I’d just feed him for as long as necessary- my dc2 would be off and on all evening snoozing then crying then feeding them snoozing. I just sat on the bed with Netflix on my phone and headphones in! I’d also look into silent reflux (my dc1 had this and was on medication for a fair while as a result). Eventually he’d end up properly asleep.

But is he sleeping through from 12am to 7am or waking to feed? Doing 7hrs straight would be impressive.

I personally think boy babies on average are more work and harder to settle than girl babies. All my nieces were good sleepers. I only had sons and the comparisons we used to have been myself and SILs and DS ...

I breastfeed all mine and my first son was the hardest. I finally figured the reason, it was because I had oversupply and a very fast milk letdown reflex. He was constantly overfed, had a bellyache and was windy, vomiting up milk and milk out the nose. He wanted to suckle for comfort but always got milk and gagged because there was too much. He never took a dummy.

I guess I say this because I was always told you can't overfeed a breastfeed baby. My experience is that is not true, you certainly can. I remember my aunt's all saying he didn't need to be fed when he was grumpy and he had enough. They were right and I thought they were wrong.

I wore him upright in a baby carrier all the time. We had a side sleeper, so went to bed together. He never slept the night until breastfeeding stopped at 16 months

With my last two babies, I fed then a bit less and would let my first letdown into a towel so that subsequently they got milk at a slower rate. It really helped.

Don't get my wrong, compared to their girl cousins they still weren't great sleepers, but they were much happier than their eldest brother.

My first baby was like this, if she wasn’t asleep or feeding she was crying. If we picked her up she cried, if we put her down she cried. She cried in the car and hated her pram. She also fought sleep viciously, every nap was a battle and she didn’t self settle for months.

She had no medical issues as far as we know and she gradually just grew out of it. Now she is a perfectly normal, happy 6 year old. Still quite intense at times but smart, funny and very loving.

I’ve recently had a second baby who has been a dream in comparison, so much more settled, sleeps easily, self settles, loves the car and her pram. I’ve done absolutely nothing differently and have come to the conclusion that some little ones are just grumpy because they dislike being a baby.

It might be worth investigating silent reflux if the baby completely refuses to lie flat, but if he is sleeping 12-7am then this seems unlikely to be the case.

The not settling until 12am is quite normal in the early weeks, both of mine did this, until bedtime started to naturally move earlier after about 12 weeks.

I feel for your sister as it is hard, hard work to spend all day with a baby that won’t settle, but it will get better, just support her as best you can and hopefully things will improve quickly.

My ds2 was like this. He lived in a sling during the say until he was about 10 months old. When I started doing this, night times got a lot better too, as did the reflux symtpomsz

Pps you do sound like a wonderful and supportive sister, a lot like my own. Just from my own personal experience, I found it really upsetting when people would say things like "poor baby" "you're so sad" or "it's heartbreaking seeing him so sad." I interpreted this as my baby was miserable and it was all my fault!

He slept from 11pm to 7am without waking up at 10 weeks old?! She has got an amazing sleeper on her hands!