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Original poster

Please help before dh and I go mental - non-sleeping 3 year old uber-stress

22 replies

TigerFeetInLovelyNewShoes · 20/10/2007 21:17

dd will not sleep in her own room

she says she is scared... of something different every night

she has a night light and a glow worm because she said she was afraid of the dark

she said she was scared of some of her toys so we took them away

she is now saying that she is scared of her duvet cover (she's had it ages)

she screams blue murder whenever she is left

dh and I are going mental from lack of sleep as this has been going on weeks and she wakes up 8-10 times a night

please please help, we are desperate

tia

OP posts:
mrsmerton · 20/10/2007 21:20

Sounds like you need a softly softly technique, calming her at bedtime, staying with her, but not engaging in chat or cuddles.

Each night move a little bit further away until you are out of the room. It will be a faff but sounds like cold turkey approach won't work!
Poor you, you must be exhausted.

Original poster
TigerFeetInLovelyNewShoes · 20/10/2007 21:25

THanks for responding - we are trying the softly softly approach (dh is in her room now, ignoring her) but as soon as she wakes up and no-one is there the screaming starts.

We are knackered, utterly completely knackered. We both work FT and work is affected too. I have taken a few days off work to try & get this sorted. My job, homelife, health, everything is suffering atm

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2007 21:29

Can you move her bed into your room or have a ready bed or similar? I know it may not be what you would plan, but this sounds desperate, she sounds genuinely very scared of being left, and you must all be going mad from lack of sleep. She won't feel this way forever.

mrsmerton · 20/10/2007 21:30

I remember on that Dr Tanya house programme children had sleeping probs and the parents were having to go in fifty odd times a night.

They went in when their child woke up and realised thethe parents weren't there, and just did the rapid return where you don't engage, just put back in bed , shhhhh, stroke and go quickly.

Eventually, the child realises they are getting all they are going to get, and will hopefully settle better.

You will need some time to crack this by the sounds of it, so a few days off is a really good idea. Best of luck, and it won't go on forever.

FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2007 21:31

She sounds genuinely very scared

I don't think she needs behavioural techniques, she needs your reassurance and parental care until she can get over this

It sounds awful for you, and so disruptive, but I think you must take her fears seriously

screamsprout · 20/10/2007 21:34

Has she experienced any change recently? Ds is currently "scared" of a lot of things, inc at night. I agree that she needs your reassurance to work through this.

mrsmerton · 20/10/2007 21:37

I think short term letting her into bedrooom would give everyone a few nights sleep, but isn't that just putting off the problem until a later date?

Sounds like Tiger feet really wants to get the behaviour sorted, and wants her daughter to have the confidence to sleep on her own. But each to their own approach!

janestillhere · 20/10/2007 21:37

Our son was terrible at sleeping in his own room till about 3.5.
I often would wake up at 4am cold in his bed after soothing us both to sleep! It was ridiculous.
All I can say is that suddenly it got easier. My and dh's relationship did suffer and it wasn't fun for quite a while.
After a while of reassuring him we were just downstairs, or even next door, it seemed the nights were less disturbed.
I'll be honest, if he woke in the middle of the night I let him come in with us, just to get some sleep.
It does get better, honest.
With dd (11 months) I'm much more strict - I still remember!!!

pinkteddy · 20/10/2007 21:38

dd went through a phase like this, we had to take the nightlight out because she suddenly became scared of the shadows, then she was terrified as it was too dark, eventually compromised on some glow lights which seemed to be better. She still kept saying she was scared of the dark, so I showed her the dark sky outside and said there was a star outside that was looking after her in the dark! Seemed to help. In Miriam's Stoppard's book she suggests showing that darkness is nothing to fear by going for a walk at night (easier after clocks go back) and point out interesting things you don't see in the day eg: nocturnal animals, moon etc HTH

FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2007 21:39

yes, obviously to give her the confidence to sleep on her own is the long term goal

I don't think that will be achieved by leavng her on her own in the room she is currently frightened of

drosophila · 20/10/2007 21:39

Remember seeing another dr on TV dealing with an even older child who was afraid of every thing. If memory serves me he suggested doing whatever made her feel safe. I think one of the parents slept in her room for a while and she just seemed to grow out of it partly because she was less stressed.

FrayedKnot · 20/10/2007 21:42

I think these kind of fears are common at this age.

My nephew had a period of time when he was petrified of his comfort toy and it had to be put up on shelf so it couldn;t get him, but after a few weeks it was back in favour again.

I would honestly be making a bed up in my room if DS started doing something like this...and then once things had settled down, start gently encouraging a return to his own room.

As a child I slept with the landing light on and the door wide open, and used to lie awake in terror at heaps of clothes that looked like monkeys, and I shared a room with my sister!

Night time can be very frightening for children.

MrsJohnCusack · 20/10/2007 21:44

oh Tiger

Is there space in her room for one of you to sleep in there? To see if that makes a difference? Then you might find out if it actually is the room, or if it is needing someone to be there when she wakes up

What happens when she goes to bed - does she go to sleep OK then?

themoon66 · 20/10/2007 21:47

I remember being terrified of the wardrobe

When mine were little, we kept the landing light on all night and their bedroom doors wide open. I used to let them in with us for a cuddle if they got upset. It didnt seem to do any harm and we all slept better.

orangina · 20/10/2007 21:51

This might sound mad, but I have been giving dd Bach Flower Remedies recently for various things, including jealousy of a new sibling, and have been doing a bit of research into it all (with definite success)... and the remedy "aspen" is supposed to help with "fears that the child can't or won't explain, often resulting in many nightmares or difficulty falling asleep". It certainly couldn't do any harm could it? And perhaps also just Rescue Remedy when she is very distraught?
I really hope you get this sorted, sleep deprivation is a complete killer

DaphneHarvey · 20/10/2007 21:52

Tiger - I experienced this with both my children at the age of 3 to 3 and a half. They had both previously been good sleepers (you haven't said whether your dd was, but the tone of your post seems to suggest she was).

What worked for us was: allowing them to sleep in our bed until the phase had passed. With my eldest it was a very short time. With my second it lasted longer, about 6 months, I have to say.

It is a very common in children of 3. Something to do with remembering nightmares and dreams, I believe. I share Franny's view that it is something to help your child through, rather than it becoming an issue of discipline. My youngest sleeps soundly all night now and has done for many months. He is just 4. I miss sleeping with him, I really do.

I didn't make a rod for my own back. He just got through the phase.

It may not be the way you want to do it, but just wanted to share what worked for us.

Original poster
TigerFeetInLovelyNewShoes · 20/10/2007 22:02

Sorry for disappearing, have been with dd

She is now asleep

I sat on the floor in her room until she was fast asleep and then quietly left her

I really don't know what to make of it all... earlier tonight she said she was scared, then she said she wanted a cuddle... she got the cuddle and has settled (for now)

There have been a few changes - dh has been promoted and is now away from home more, he was recently away for a few days overseas and she missed him while he was away. Also, she is a couple of months younger than a lot of her friends at nursery and they have all moved up a class and she won't be joining them until after Christmas

I was hoping to get the sleeping sorted over a few days but I now see it may well take longer than that. I have been reading up on a gradual retreat technique and will try that. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.

Have tried sticker charts but they don't work. She likes the concept of them during the day but at night when we are trying to get her to sleep she couldn't care less about a stupid sticker chart!

OP posts:
mrsmerton · 20/10/2007 22:12

There have obviously been some unsettling things going on for her, no wonder her sleep is all over the place. Hope you get a better few nights, wherever you are all sleeping!

themoon66 · 20/10/2007 22:20

Have you thought about putting her to bed later? We went through a stage of putting ours to bed just before we went. They then settled easily because they could hear us rattling about in the bathroom, chatting in the room next door etc.

BabiesEverywhere · 21/10/2007 23:36

(((TigerFeet)))

Sorry you are having these night problems, hope DD sleeps well again soon.

On a positive note, explains why I have failed to get you on the phone recently....I won't ring again until you contact me...just in case I wake up DD.

Hope to hear from you when peace reins again

Original poster
TigerFeetInLovelyNewShoes · 23/10/2007 10:37

Hi all

Thanks so much for all your thoughts and advice

DD was so obviously distressed at being left by herself that we have taken a bit of a step back from encouraging her to sleep by herself for now.

DH or I are staying with her while she goes to sleep of an evening - just sitting in her bedroom doorway, not engaging with her but letting her be confident that someone is there.

When she wakes in the night (now down to 3 or 4 times thankfully) she still wants someone to stay with her so I have found the easiest thing to do is to curl up at the end of her bed and doze off while she goes back to sleep, then creep back into my own bed once she is asleep

SHe woke at 4.45 this morning, clearly still tired, wanting to go downstairs. I offered cuddles and told her I would stay in her room until morning but she was still very upset so I took her downstairs but told her no telly, no toys and only water to drink. Pretty soon she asked to go back to bed I did stay with her though.

THis way we are all getting more sleep, it is still disturbed but there are less tantrums and I think dd is feeling more secure now which at the end of the day is the most important thing.

BabiesEverywhere - I keep meaning to call you but every night I feel so crappy and I think "I'll call tomorrow" but then I still feel rubbish the next night... plus I have a cold & am wheezing a lot which isn't helping - I'll give you a call at the weekend

OP posts:
BabiesEverywhere · 23/10/2007 11:53

{{{TF}}}

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