Help. On my own with DD. Desperately need a plan.

[grobagsforever]

I'm a 'double' parent to four year old DD1 and six month old DD2. DD2 has just had a massive sleep regression. I'm grieving for the loss of DH who died in June and so cannot handle sleep deprivation. I just can't. With DD1 I fed on demand, got up every hour etc. I never let her cry. I am wracked with guilt but I can't do same for DD2. I think I need to sleep train for all of our sakes. How do I dp this without damaging DD2?

She's breastfed and about to go into her own room.

Help

Co-sleep and feed lying down? It doesn't sound like you are ready to take on this challenge.

Sorry for your loss :(

I would post a bit more about her sleep habits and you can get more specific advice?

So sorry to hear you're having an awful time. What's her daytime routine? Do you have any grandparent help? X

I remember your thread, grobags.

I'm still so sorry for your massive loss and I'm not surprised you're having a tough time.

Is there anyone who could come and give you a break?

So sorry for your loss. I agree with sophie. I don't think sleep training works unless you are totally convinced about it and it would've really upset me to do it.

Ds was a terrible sleeper. Dh (now stbxh) didn't help. In the end, I just stopped thinking about what I was doing or not doing and Co slept. The whatever gets you through school. He eventually started sleeping and stopped breast feeding but it was a long haul, I won't lie.

Is she still in a crib? You might find her sleep improves due to transferring to cot in her own room. I found this, whether it was due to the extra space or the fact that we weren't disturbing the baby anymore with our movements etc. So I would maybe do that first and then see what her pattern is like. Sorry for your loss

Hello -so sorry you have all this to deal with. We used a sleep consultant when DS was 8 months for similar issues. Saved my sanity as I just needed someone to tell me what to do. Do PM me if you want more details.

Co sleeping does not work! She wakes more ig anything.

I need to train her or I am going to have a breakdown. My eldest is suffering because I'm so grumpy.

I can't sleep in the day (I have paid help four days a week, my mum's presence in the house gives me panic attacks).

I don't need a break. I need a solution. I have moved bloody montains since DH died. I have rebuilt my life. I'm back at work. I was coping and moving forward.

Tomorrow she goes into a travel cot in her own room.

OK but what is the problem?/is it night wakings or not settling? She may also have teeth coming through.

So at 6 months we were following this routine;

7 am wake up. Milk. Dressed.
8 breakfast at nursery
9.30 sleep
11 wake up. Milk
11.30 lunch
12 sleep
1.30 wake up. Milk
Some kind of finger food tea at 4 ish
4.30 pram nap walking home from nursery or a general walk on non working day
5 pm wake up
6 pm porridge with banana
Then bath if needed. Pjs. Milk. Teeth. Book. Bed at 7-7.30ish
Milk at 10

He'd also wake for milk at 3/4 until night weaned at 7.5 months

He went into his cot wide awake and was given 5 minute intervals to settle. I'd go in and shush pat in his cot for a minute in between. He was usually asleep after 10 minutes max

I remember reading about your DH. I am so sorry for your loss.

I think your first step is how she goes to sleep. Does she fall asleep on her own, do you feed her to sleep? Rock her? For quite a lot of babies (sadly not my own) going to sleep on their own and being in their own room reduces the wakings a lot.

I did this by accident with DS. Was alone in the house. Fed him, had a little emergency with an older one, bunged him in his cot and legged it. He screamed. But by the time I was back (under 10 minutes) he was sound asleep.

There's a website called troublesometots which someone recommended which has some ideas on cc. Her basic argument is that you get them to sleep on their own and only then do you think about reducing night wakings.

That might be something you can handle more as it's step by step?

Thanks everyone. She's moving in with DD1 tonight (DD1 can sleep through a smoke alarm!)

I will continue with self settling and hope removing the milk smell helps. I'd love to co sleep but it simply doesn't work!

She's baby led weaning. I don't need to quit night feeds. As many as two is fine. I actually don't need much sleep but I do need some!

Will do the shush pat thing and make sure not to feed if it's been less than three hours since last feed.

So sorry for your loss, I hope you have strong support around you.
I second the troublesome tots website (Alexis Dubief, also on Facebook) which someone on here told me about. I was never keen to let my baby cry but after months of mega disturbed sleep (day and night) something had to change and now I'm glad I have helped her learn how to go to sleep by herself. She and I are well rested now!

How did it go OP?

I really hope it's going well for you. I haven't been through what you have and I was still on my knees from lack of sleep. At 7mo our paediatrician told me that I needed to do cry it out as neither me nor my dd were sleeping well in my bed. He was actually v angry with me, as I'd been holding dd in bed, which he said was a mad thing to do. In hindsight, I think I'd lost the plot. I was getting 2-3hrs of sleep a night, broken throughout, but I just hadn't been able to bring myself to sleep train. I didn't do cry it out but I did controlled crying and dd was sleeping in her own cot a night later. She cried for 6min in total and I cried a great deal more! I wish she would have co-slept but like your lo, she just wouldn't settle and needed her own space. She's always been a light sleeper and so am I. She still loved me in the morning, she's well attached (often literally nowadays) and though I did feel incredibly guilty at the time, I would do it again. It sounds like you need lo in a separate bed too and starting to self settle throughout the night as lo starts to need less milk. I appreciate why some don't agree with cc, but I agree with you that it sounds like it will help both you and lo. Your well being is incredibly important too. Maybe get a friend round and get some moral support if you do decide cc is the way forward.

Grobag, sorry for your loss.
It's been many years now, but I did the Gina Ford thingy.
I increased the periods when I went to her, didn't pick her up, just lightly placed my hand on her chest, didn't speak, didn't pick her up, didn't turn the light on.
All it took were 2 absolutely hellish nights ( evenings).
Looking back, I have no idea how I did it, but I was at the absolute end of my powers. Not even sure I'd recommend it. But it saved my sanity, because I honestly couldn't keep awake any longer without doing something stupid.
Good luck.

Quezy - Doesn't sound that nice of your doctor to be angry with you. He may have given good advice, but was it that helpful to be told off? Couldn't he have been nicer to a sleep deprived mother doing her best

Penguins - I cried my eyes out all the way home when I got out of the hospital. I went straight home and used cc tho, so in a way I guess he ripped the plaster off for me. You're absolutely right tho - he was really harsh. He's an incredibly friendly paediatrician but very no nonsense. We've been signed off now tho so our paths don't cross.

You'd think they'd work out how to give you a nudge without tipping you over into streams of tears wouldn't you. Glad it doesn't seem to have traumatised you too much though.