Advise on being more dominant

[BeSharpGreenReader]

Hi,

I am male and relatively inexperienced in the bedroom only having been in 2 relationships and I have only experienced quite vanilla things.

I am now dating someone I love very much, and she has been quite open about what she enjoys sexual.

She is highly intelligent, has a brilliant career, drives with the skill and confidence of a F1 driver, generally very clear on what she wants and assertive. But discussing our sex life she wants to be submissive in the bedroom, including restraints. No pain aspects (very glad about that) just pleasure.

I have read up on this now, and I am interested to understand as much as possible about the psychology of this. I get the impression that the acts are less important than understanding your partner and how they experience this.

Any guidance would be appreciated.

Read SM101 by Jay Wiseman for the practicalities, techniques and playing safely.

Apart from that talk, talk, talk. Whatever advice you get from strangers will not be a patch on what she tells you herself.

Thanks I will look that up.

I completely get what you are saying. Quite agree, however she has said that she doesn't want to have to ask me to be dominant, and she has consented.

I will talk to her but I think I am still figuring out what questions to ask.

You could also buy her my book. But let her read it first... ;)

My success at Domination has been through being thoughtful and playful. Lots of people will say they are dominant but essentially lack the skills needed to make it work for the submissive. You're in a much more demanding position as a Dom given you need to think ahead and pitch perfectly what your sub would enjoy. You need to be able to laugh and smile about it before and after to show that this is a "mode" she enjoys rather than that she expects to be a doormat in usual life.

Wish you all the best, will be demanding, fun and satisfying when you get it right.

It’s a tricky one because part of what she wants is for you to take the lead, yet she is the one driving this dynamic. You want to get it right, but part of getting it right is doing it without her having to direct you.

I think you need, in the moment, to fake it till you make it. Afterwards, you can talk to her and see what worked and what didn’t, but even in this conversation, hold your head up high because it’s not your fault you have to do this by trial and error. Good luck!

This ^^ , it’s going to be uncomfortable for you as you are moving out of your comfort zone- take it easy and don’t go mad - try some silk ties as a blindfold to remove one of her senses- an easy way to begin

Yes good idea, I like to challenge myself but I want to do this well. I think the psychological aspects are the really interesting aspect.

Nc for this, occasionally dominant to my partner. If you just start doing it I think you begin to get into the part. It comes with lots of responsibility in my experience when you realise you could do anything. In terms of psychology, isn't it just in you or not in you?

She has a script in her head. If you don't know what it is you can't do it. I suppose you could tie her up and order her to describe a scene.

Nothing round the neck. You have to be able to undo it quickly, And use the Traffic Light system. And, yes, the blindfold removes control with the risks of bondage.

Edge her.

Note that if she is nominally the sub, she's not supposed to be the one telling you what to do, hence the problem. So also do the talk outside the scene.

An alternative I once heard is that anything the Dom does is right. I'm not sure I believe that.

Find "The Loving Dominant" on Amazon

I love being passive the bedroom. I think it’s because in every day life I’m not. I find myself just wanting him to do stuff to me, and allowing him to do what he wants to me. It’s that contrast between real life and the bedroom.

That's interesting, and you both find that remains in the bedroom and doesn't start being part of your other aspects of your life?

Does talking about your desires outside the bedroom and discussing consent impact of your enjoyment?

There's no cookie cutter model for things with sex, but this does seem to fit a mould quite neatly; a lot of people with high pressure careers or positions of authority like being submissive, because it means they can essentially hand off and surrender control to someone else. That's an interesting aside but for whatever reason she arrived at wanting to be submissive, there we are, she does.

So now she's into submission, what can you do about it. Well that makes you the dominant one, and that's going to be more in the mind than physical. She doesn't want you to beat her in an arm wrestle.

So, you're going to want to essentially, once you decide to start play, take her somewhat forcefully to the bedroom, maybe carry her there, and then have some restraints prepared, and tie her down to the bed.

At this point you're sort of like the planner of a fireworks display. She has no idea what's coming next and that's sort of the whole idea. It's not even so much what you do; it's that she has no control over it. As for you, you can plan some things several days in advance so you're ready. Can I suggest teasing her with a range of varying sensations. You could have some props under the bed ready; take out a feather and tease her randomly all over her body (I'm assuming you would also have blindfolded her). You can play with things like ice for cold sensations. You can buy a gentle starter whip and try whipping her lightly in some places. You can intermingle pleasure; going down on her, kissing her all over her body. The key is mix up everything so she's not getting too much of the same thing in a row and it's unpredictable and pleasurable. And of course you'll probably end up having sex but in a really good night of sex, that should be the last 10 to 20 percent of it. You can have so much fun teasing her along the way beforehand. Tailor all of the above to what she actually likes and is into. There's so many things people can do in a bedroom - the possibilities stretch pretty far. Pick five or six she likes and intermingle them. Kissing, stroking, massage, spanking, whipping, going down on her, using a vibrator or toys on her - there's plenty that you could do but it has to be you who is deciding what happens and taking things forward. You have to be in control and that's that whole dominant thing.

Great reply!

For me, I like it to start gradually and the hornier I get the more submissive I get.
Orgasm control where my partner gets me close and then stops is always great. He also does a fun game where he will stop whatever he's doing it I moan or make any noise which is fun