Indecent proposal out of nowhere

[SexyBraStraps]

DH and I have been married 20+ years, have a great sex life that still probably averages once a week, varying by my cycle. I was his first lover and he has always been very vanilla in bed.

recently, he has been more sexual, wanting some fairly PG sexy snaps ( mostly bra/underwear), using a phone to film me doing things (always deleted after from recently deleted too) and then last night he said he’d love to watch me pleasure someone else. I almost spat my pasta out, thought he was joking but I don’t think he is?

has anyone else had this kind of bombshell? Anyone gone through with it? I’m so confused by it all

"More Sexual" is a blanket term, but given his actions this feels like a move to something very very specific. I'm not sure I could enjoy that type of sharing...how do you feel about it?

@ThisZippyTurtle Are you F? If so can I DM?

Interesting you descibe things with your husband as vanilla, which could suggest you have been less vanilla with previous partners, sounds like he wants to branch out, have you been dropping hints..?

I used to, I wanted him to explore things more and I’ve had a much wider variety of experiences that I’ve enjoyed. I sort of gave up as he was never keen but in the last few months his whole attitude to sex has changed. He has wanted to watch me do things he used to shy from even talking about. It’s been good, but a bit left field

Thought I'd give a male perspective, I can understand why this is a fantasy but personally I wouldn't actually want to see my OH do it, we have spoken about it during sex to heighten the mood though.

The real question OP is do you want to do it? Don't be pressured into it if you don't want to

What has been suggested I could do but I’d not want to go further than that

You both have to really talk this one through. Why now, why this in particular, how does he see this playing out, and how does that match or differ from how you’d see it playing out? You need to explore what the picture he has inside his head looks like, and whether the picture is going to realistically transfer into a real life mutually enjoyable scenario: there’s a lot of lead up into having another man or woman in bed with you both and the journey there is as pragmatic as it is sexy.

It’s an interesting proposal but I think I’d want to know where it came from to understand where his heads at !

How old are you both?

Both 40s, and I don’t know where it has come from. He wants a specific scenario, me doing something to someone else and him watching and not a threesome. I could do what he suggests but not more than that

Something to someone else you know or a stranger?

Is it a hot wife or cuck scenario

Deal break for me. No 3rd person should be involved.

You used to want hime to be more adventurous.
Now he wants to be more adventurous.
Are you still happy for him to be adventurous and is this in the right ball park? (No pun intended.)

Whatever he wants to see you do and, with whomever, the important thing is that you are both comfortable with it and that you both understand what's in the other's head. As you suggest you're ok with his fantasy, this is an opportunity for communication and getting to understand eachother's sexuality.
If one or both of you is comfortable talking during sex, perhaps describing the scenario whilst you are being intimate (just the two of you) would be a way to test the water before jumping in the deep end. Also, agree that either of you can pull the plug on it at any point.
And importantly, talk about it an hour or a day later, in a non sexual environment (over lunch, on a car journey, etc) when you've both had time to process what it did for you.

We chatted about it more last night, I’m definitely comfortable with what is suggested. It is a specific scenario not a threesome, I don’t want that. The last few months he has become much more comfortable talking about sex and trying new things. I wish he’d been more open previously.

OP, you have said twice up thread that you “could do” that. May l turn the tables here? It’s not what you could do, it’s what you want to do. In addition is there a risk of this being turned on you later on?

Exactly what I was going to say.

Could, would, should. All things to consider, once it's done it can't be undone or unseen

I don't think want to / could do is black and white.

If one partner wants to do sonething, that might do nothing for the other, but the fact that it turns their partner on can be reason enough to do it. In some arenas it is referred to as compersion. Enjoying your partner's enjoyment can be a good thing. You could frame it as the Love Language of Acts of Service, and I don't mean that in a subordinate sense - I make bakedbeans on toast for my DD even though they make me nauseous, but I do it because she likes them and that makes me happy.

Call me old fashioned,and l don’t regard myself as a pearl clutcher, but l don’t think watching a partner with someone is comparable with beans on toast.

I know where you're coming from. My way of looking at it is this:
When we do something for our kids that we don't like, we're good parents.
When we do something for our partners that we don't actively like but don't object to, we're being coerced.
For me, that's starting with the point we want to make and cherry picking a narrative to reverse engineering a logic that justifies it.

Duplicate.

If things don’t go as expected or something is said or done which wasn’t part of what OP envisioned, it’s more likely to be problematic afterwards if OP feels she only really went along with it to please her DH than if she was an enthusiastic participant who really wanted it and actively contributed to the fantasy. It isn’t about coercion, nothing OP has said suggests she’s being coerced - but it does sound as though her DH has a very specific scenario in his head which he probably hasn’t really thought through all that well at this stage; and sex with another person under the theatrical directorship of your partner’s inner screenplay really isn’t one of those things that you should do just thinking you “could be okay with it.”

@ComtesseDeSpair Agreed. But as the OP has said she's "had a much wider variety of experiences that [she's] enjoyed", that she's "definitely comfortable with what is suggested", "he has always been very vanilla in bed", and that she had "wanted him to explore things more", it doesn't sound to me like that's a risk.
The key here, for both partners, is communication - before, during and after.

@mnmnddddd I like your baked bean analogy. I took from it that we can apply different rules to our intimate lives than we do to our actual lives for different reasons. sometimes they can hold us back

Ok, so I don’t want to go through the exact scenario here, but what he’s suggested has been the type of thing I’d have liked him to have tried when younger. So I could and want to, and have done similar pre marriage. my real concern is my husband has historically not been as open. Recently, he has been exploring his sexual side more and started doing things he didn’t do before.

Only your DH can explain why. MN can only offer conjecture and some of that may be misplaced, misleading and/or politicised. Or it might not.
Be brave and talk to him. Be open, compassionate and curious. Be prepared to learn things you didn't know. Some of that may be good, some less so - only you will know how your (plural) circumstances contextualise that.
If you need help processing what you learn, seek help from a professional sex and relationship counsellor (look up COSRT), and don't kick that sort of can down the road.
It sounds like you're actually in a good place, so enjoy that.

Maybe go half way first time and see his reaction?