Husband shy with me but not with OW

[tealightstarlight]

This is a difficult one and this part of it is obviously far from the main issue.

Husband had an emotional affair a few years ago.

It’s a long story, but basically we were having lots of difficulties in our marriage and lives in general, we had young kids, both working two jobs, lots of unhappiness and resentment and we were in a sexless marriage.

He ended up sexting a woman he knows and planning to meet up for sex, which apparently didn’t go ahead because he chickened out. But they exchanged nudes and spoke about sex and basically had an emotional affair for around 6 months. The woman was the instigator but he was very much a willing participant.

During this time, things got back on track with us and our sex life was back on track. Everything was good. Not long after this I believe the situation with her fizzled out. I’ll never know the truth, but as I understand it, the plan to meet up for sex was abandoned, contact reduced, but there was still the occasional message and I believe she still sent the occasional nude. He says he didn’t respond to them.

a while after it fizzled out, I found out, we nearly broke up, I made him leave, but he came back and we worked through it. It’s been a dark cloud hanging over us for a few years now. Our marriage is happy, our sex life is good, but there’s no denying that a lot of damage has been done and I’ll probably never fully trust him again.

So there are a lot of issues. But one issue relates to sex.

we have a very good sex life.

But there is no denying my husband is fairly shy, reticent.

He is the same age is me. We met when we were 26 and I knew he’d had girlfriends before and certainly wasn’t a virgin.

But when the affair was revealed, he broke down, said he was abused as a child and it has meant he is very nervous about sex and never had that much experience before he met me. (This is not a sob story. In the years since he told me this he had been to the police and the case has been to court as part of a larger case.)

The woman he had the affair with is a woman from
his past who is 5 years older. They were involved briefly when he was 19.

I’ve seen some of the messages and photos they exchanged. He is a lot more forward than he is with me. When I tried to speak to him about this, he said that it was just “easy” because she led everything and he didn’t have to do/say much. This is the case from what I saw, she was very much instigating it, but he was very grateful
to be receiving it, and just generally less “shy” than he is with me.

I just feel that, separate to the trust issues and the damage it’s done to our marriage….there’s a difference in how he was sexually with her and how he is with me.

it’s hard to explain. And his shyness / issues are obviously still there as I believe that’s why he couldn’t go through with the actual meeting for sex.

I enjoy sex but I guess I could be described as being a bit on the shy side as well.

After the revelation about what happened, after he moved back in, out sex life was very active and very spontaneous and much more vocal. I realise now that was probably some form of trauma response. But after a while that stopped. Still great sex, but less talking about it, less flirting during the day etc etc.

Posisbly we are just slightly mismatched in that we are both slightly shy, whereas that woman is very dominant.

I just feel a bit sad about it all.

My wife had an affair: I was sent (probably by her AP's wife) emails between her and her AP and she was far less repressed about sex with him than she ever was with me. It's a feature of affairs and points to a deep-seated sexual problem, something like associating sex with shame. I'll be honest: it's very difficult to get over.

Thoughts with both of you. Affairs really are appalling behaviour and I'll never understand why allegedly mature adults can't just do the honourable thing and leave before committing adultery.

My take is that there is less to lose in an affair. Your partner's desires/weaknesses/peccadilloes has the potential to damage a good relationship. In an affair if the other person isn't keen or finds it disgusting then you can just move on. It's a very back handed way of saying he had more to lose with you being very open, and less with her.

He could pretend to be anyone he wanted to be with her, as it was all faked online.

You see him daily. There's more for him to feel embarrassed about. He can't get away with playing a role with you. Nor would you want him too.

Part of the excitement of online affairs is the thrill of pretending to be someone new and the secrecy of what your doing. How would you feel if you suggested messaging each other in the way he was messaging her? You could use a different messaging app, like Telegram, to try to bring your side out of him towards you.

What's app for reality.

Telegram for fantasy.

All the best

Sit someone in front of a games console and they'll happily slaughter innocents on a daily basis. Put a real firearm in their hands and they will behave very differently.
Having a text based affair is like the games console - it's not real. Chances are, if your DH had been in bed with the OW he wouldn't have been nearly as liberated. I could imagine that that difference may well be exagerated due to your DH's past (though I'm not a psychologist, so WTF do I know!). And with his past, he might also feel a disproportionate sense of guilt, and that could manifest in your relationship.

When a relationship is in trouble, as yours was, it is not uncommon for people (irrespective of gender) to look at the grass on the other side of the fence. That's a pretty natural, human response - when we want love and affection, if we don't get that at home, if it presents itself elsewhere, that can be very hard to ignore. Again, a troubled past might exacerbate that.

Meanwhile, because he got to exorcise his sexuality in a more unrestrained way, albeit just in a virtual setting, your subconscious response might lead you to think "why can't I have that?!" Understandable, but not rational and not helpful.

The thing to focus on is that you both(?) repaired your relationship, and both(?) have a good sex life. Your question suggests that you still haven't moved on from what feels like betrayal, so you both have challenges. Have you considered talking to a relationship counsellor?

The sexual dynamic exists between two people. The online affair was a 'safe' fantasy place where he was encouraged by a confident woman to be more sexual.

You admit you're shy, there's still distrust from the online affair, you're his wife, not a mistress, your relationship exists in the real world... the whole dynamic is different.

You're dealing with the trauma of betrayal, he's dealing with CSA and the aftermath of that. Have either of you considered speaking to someone to help process that?

If you want to change the dynamic between you two and help him be more confident, start with the thing that's within your control, your own confidence. Start the flirting, initiate the sex, tell him you want him.

You do not know how much and how deeply he is still affected by the abuse. We here don't have much of a clue either unless we have worked in those areas.
My suggestion is that pursuing the fantasy affair he was able to work through some of his demons, Did that experience help him talk to you? Did it help him get to the stage of giving evidence to the police. Traumatic in itself.
I think you are both doing well as you work through these difficulties.
Well done you for sticking it out.

I was nervous about posting on this part of the forum, wasn’t sure what type of response I would get!

Every single one of you has been incredibly helpful and understanding and I really appreciate that.

I did post on the Relationship forum a few years ago, just a while after it had all been discovered.

I got slaughtered. Just full of people telling me to have more respect and to “leave the bastard”.

I feel these have been much more empathetic responses on here, although I know many posters would say it’s because you’re not telling me to leave him and telling me what I want to hear, which I wouldn’t say I agree with.

Anyway, to address some of the comments on here. Yes, the CSA is a big thing, and he did have councelling for this for about a year. I think he did find it helpful, as did going to the police and discovering that he was not alone, this person had done the same to others. As upsetting as that was to hear I think he felt somewhat vindicated and took some very misplaced shame away as it showed him that he wasn’t to blame, he wasn’t the only one this man targeted.

Relationhsip councelling, no, we haven’t. I’m not sure how much value there would be in it. I know why the affair happened and we were both at fault. As @mnmndddddmentioned, he was getting affection from this woman that I wasn’t giving. I was horrible to him. I felt very unsupported and was struggling hugely with many issues in the years following the births of my children. He did what he could to help but was working two jobs and couldn’t physically be here any more than he was. Yet I felt resentful and hateful and just miserable and wasn’t pleasant to him at all. It’s understandable his head was turned when someone was affectionate to him and built up his confidence.

I don’t think there’s much value in trudging through all that with a councellor.

It’s just that I find it hard to get through the jealousy and mistrust.

So sorry to hear your experience @LochSunartajd it is awful being confirmed with evidence. It’s so hard to get out your head and that’s the situation I’m in.

we have fought about it so much but he tends to clam up and can’t really explain to defend himself. Which is apparently a freeze response from the abuse.

Anyway, thank you all. I appreciate it.

Relationship counselling/ sex therapy doesn't have to be backwards looking. It can also be about looking at where your relationship is (jealusy, shyness, guilt), where you want to get to (PDAs and swinging from the chandeliers), and finding a path to take. Find the right counsellor (have a look a COSRT) and they should make your needs the focus, rather than any particular paradigm. Just be clear what job you need them to do when you interview them for the position.

(FWIW If you hadn't disclosed the CSA in your post, I have no doubt the mysandrysts would have been swarming like flies. 🤣)

If we weren't so conditioned to try to chain each other up regarding sex, I'd recommend getting a sex worker in or dominatrix - someone with the confidence to help him come out of his shell. Or maybe get lessons from her.

Yeah. Because watching your husband fuck a prostitute will fix every marriage problem.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. I wonder whether your home planet's life forms aren't water based but rather, as it's the weekend, alcohol based?