Forgotten how to do any of this...

[prayingfortherainyseason]

NC’d due to subject matter!!

Been married to DH for over a decade. 1 DC (4). Always had a libido mismatch (mine higher) and struggled/struggling with TTC. It has been A Very Long Time since we properly dtd. It may have been 2016... a few failed attempts this calendar year!

DH has been prescribed The Blue Pill as it seems his meds have likely had an effect, and with life rather getting in the way, I’ve not exactly been a nymphomanic either. So we’re on. Ready to end the dry spell and get back on with things.

But... I can’t remember what to do. Don’t get me wrong, I still recall the basic mechanics, but am extremely rusty in the niceties...

DH is extremely vanilla (I’m more adventurous, but it scares the crap out of him) and sexy clothing does nothing for him. Any ideas?! Haven’t been this clueless since I was16!

Start off by lots of kissing, then add touching, arousing each other what fully clothed. I'd do that every day for a week to build some excitement/ tension...

Great advice by Shifty,

By the blue pill I assume you mean Viagra (sildenafil citrate)?

If so that will normally help resolve ED but doesn't increase libido. It gives a limited window of opportunity (about 4 hours) and takes effect about 45 minutes after ingestion. It doesn't cause an erection but with arousal helps you get and keep one. Its a wonderful drug though but I find its effect is vastly diminished if taken with food so have to take it an hour before eating or 2 hours after.

Personally I'm looking forward to the patent for cialis running out this month and a cheaper generic version becoming available, as its effective for about 36 hours, which allows for much less planning making everything more relaxed.

I think once you've established some tension I would have a nice meal, no alcohol (or minimal), then kiss and touch again, maybe go on top, either in the bedroom or on the sofa.
Soften the lighting beforehand. Touch his face, be more tactile in general.

You need to talk

You need to find out at a time when you're not attempting to fuck what he likes, what he thinks about, what he wants to try, what he fancies about you, what he thinks about when he masturbates, etc etc.

If it's easier both do a kind of sex questionnaire on paper then read the others.

We don't know how to turn your husband on, only he can tell you that.

Don’t get me wrong - we talk a lot about everything, including sex: it’s the main reason we’re still together when the physical side has been such an area challenge for us. We really are best friends, so communication is a main currency, however cheesy that may seem.

He honestly is just very vanilla - unless for the last 15 years have been a huge charade, he’s just not all that bothered about sex, so when we do it, it tends to be quite perfunctory in the nicest way possible. Add to this the best part of a decade TTC by any means possible and then a year of ED on top of that and we’ve kind of just lost our rhythm, hence my question.

Is your question a bit more complex? How do you have sex with someone who doesn't seem interested in having sex, or who doesn't share your interests, and therefore what do you do in the grander scheme of things?

HarmlessChap, my husband has happily used Viagra ( half a tablet at a time ) for years. He was once prescribed Cialis instead , I think because it was cheaper. It caused agonising pains in his legs the first time he took it, and again the second time when he thought it couldn't have been the cause of the pain.

I don't know how common this reaction is, but don't assume Cialis is problem free.

Thanks @dudsville - it’s really not more complex, I promise. He’s happy to oblige and we have a good time when it happens. It’s merely that we’ve become very mechanical due to the circumstances and I’m trying to remember what we did when things happened more organically.

@ShiftyFades Thanks - that’s handy, practical advice - just what I was after.

I know I seem massively incompetent here, but he’s the only person I’ve ever been with, it’s been a long time since things have been free and easy due to circumstances and the only other reference point I have are books, films and tv, all of which are so idealised that they don’t seem at all relevant to two people in their late thirties on a drizzly November evening!

How about watching something erotic together? Not porn necessarily (9 songs is a good one). I'm a hypocrite because in a way I inwardly cringe a little when doing this, but it certainly seems to work in getting things going.

9 songs is porn basically, just more artful and tasteful iyswim

Ooo, I’ll look into that - I hadn’t heard of that one.

Wont it just come naturally when you are together in that situation,
I always thought sex was like riding a bike ,you never forget
I hadn't had a partner for a very long time, but now I have,and didn't need to read a book,
Go with the flow

Most people have fairly standard erogenous zones so try gentle touching, each of you on each other, of

Eyebrows,
sides of nose
Lips, obv,
Nape of neck
Tops of shoulders,
Nipples, ,
Down torso
Feet

Before you get to the genital area.

Relaxing with each other’s bodies is a great way to get pleasure before or sometimes instead of orgasmic sex. Don’t feel it has to be penetrative every time either if you don’t want it to be, for example if it causes too much tension, it might be that you have warming up sessions with no pills, just to enjoy each other, remove the tension, remove expectations. Just go with the flow.

You’re welcome. I’ve been refreshing things in my own sex life due to it becoming too vanilla.

Kissing and touching can easily build the tension needed to make even vanilla sex more exciting.

I have moved on to bringing sex toys in to it too - and recently tried a vibrant oh cock ring - amazing btw

I have been a bit vocal about what I want to do and try and have been pleasantly surprised by the results.

Maybe you could ask him to use a vibrator on you? That is quite a turn on too. He may be more open to your own suggestions.

@lovemylover - I wish it was simple as that. It isn’t that I’ve forgotten how to ride the bike so much as we’ve been riding a deeply warped and highly specific bike for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s meant to be like!

@OrlandaFuriosa - thank you! That’s a really helpful set of advice and melded with @ShiftyFades probably gives me a reasonable spectrum of ‘moves’ to develop.

I’m a bit scared of using toys at this point (though I have a couple) as they transport me back to the highly mechanical/systematic sex we’d been having: “you get you going, I’ll get me going, two minutes, Bob’s your uncle and we can go to sleep’ or ‘not working love? Never mind, I’ll top myself off whilst you play on your phone’.

That lack of romance when TTC is fatal...

Gosh yes, they certainly shouldn’t be used like that!
That’s why is suggested he use one on you, but build up to that.

You need to work on the desire and intimacy that comes from being tactile and lots of kissing first.

Do you have any child free nights? I'm thinking a bottle of wine and a risque sex game such as, I dunno, Strip Trivial Pursuit or a specific one from Anne Summers might be a good way to go?

Or - start with a shared shower and then into the bedroom and give each other a massage. Work your way down to his lower back then start caressing his butt and ball sack. Be vocal. "Wow, it seems way too long since I've had my hands on your balls." Take charge, if he's okay with that? Tell him to turn over, massage his chest then move down to his cock and start giving him oral. Then let things take their natural course!

(Side note: if using massage oil be aware it can be unsafe for use with condoms, so if you're relying on condoms for protection you're better off using a body lotion such as cocoa butter for massage.)

And try different sorts of touch , vary it. Think using your finger tips, your hair, the backs of your hands, your toes..try using a brush, a silk scarf.

Vary the pressure and the speed.

Some people find it hard to vocalise how they feel. You may need to create your own code, like cold, cool, warm, warmer as in a children’s game, or rate it 1-10..

Also take little breaks, for a snuggle, spoon position or just lying in each others’ arms. Perhaps a glass of wine next to you, make sure there are water and tissues. Decide music or non music, some people get distracted by it.

One bit of advice is to get yourself in the mood to begin with, gently aroused.

Another is to praise him when something nice happens. Create that virtuous circle. Success breeds confidence and success.

This sounds as though I am an expert, far far from it. But hope it helps.

Text or Whatsapp that you're 'looking forward to tonight' and go from there. It's a lot easier building up the right sort of tension away from each other. Look for a few saucy photos and send them on. Find some Tv shows which feature sex - it's easier than movies these days. Doesn't need to be explicit, things like The Affair. And have fun!