Anyone regret switching secondary schools?

[Whitesock]

My DD goes to the same secondary as her siblings. They have had a great experience there but DD has struggled since the start, mainly with fitting in and friendship groups. She has received many many bad behaviour marks in the last 2 years including a days suspension and I've heard she is influenced by the group she hangs around with( this was NOT the child that left primary school). As a result her grades are dropping. We have discussed the possibility of her changing schools for a fresh start. She will be totally against the idea but her behaviour is affecting us at home too. We're at a loss as to what to do other than move schools.

What are the behaviour issues? What did she do that warranted a suspension? What has the school done, and you in conjunction with the school, to mitigate against the repeated poor behaviour (assuming it is the same kind of behaviour that is an issue)?

I know everyone always jumps to this but is it possible that some kind SEN is at play? I know from experience that ND especially can reveal itself late in girls who mask through primary and find in secondary it is all too much. Once this only applies if she is showing signs of ASC or ADHD.

I would consult further with the school about what they think - otherwise you may just be moving the issue.

That was my concern-just moving the issue to another school.
I suspected possible ADHD so had her assessed. They said she was borderline and no action needed.
Its general class disruption, refusal to attend detentions etc. I think its trying to fit in. School have tried to move her around a bit to see if it improved things but unfortunately not. The suspension was for being with a group who confronted another child. They punished her for being stood with the others when they did it (and rightly so). The teacher said he could see she didn't play a part in it but felt that she felt pressured to stand by her friends when it happened. She has struggled with friendship groups since Y7. She was such a friendly and popular girl in primary. I just don't know what's gone wrong.

tbh I am a bit concerned about a situation where disrupting in class and refusing to attend detentions are ways of fitting in. Both those things are very much the exception in schools I have worked in or my DC attended. Someone who disrupted in class would only be "fitting in" with a very small minority. Most lessons are not disrupted by most students.

What does your DD say about all this? Why is she behaving badly? She must know that this is not the right way to get the most from school. Does her behaviour have consequences at home? How is she with you?

No concern needed. Im just here for advice.
Unfortunately its not a small minority. I hear countless stories of disruption in the school. Expulsions and suspensions seem fairly common. You are lucky to have worked in such nice schools. Unfortunately we got what we were given due to catchment areas.
No, not all children in school are bad, it just seems she is influenced by the people she has made friends with and after trying out several friendship groups, im assuming there are no more options. Her teacher said the group were "not her kind of people" so he can see that this isn't really her.

My question is, what to do now? I was hoping for advise from others in similar situations and how it worked out. After her siblings having a fairly positive experience at the school, removing her was the last thing I was expecting to happen.

I don't have any direct experience of moving a child's school in this way. But I have suggested what I would do in terms of talking to the school and my DC.

Btw unless you actually teach at the school you cannot know what sort of % of the YP there behave badly. The schools I worked in were standard comprehensives with a very varied intake and no, not all the students behaved well. I had some challenging classes, as did my colleagues. But overall, the majority of students behaved well. It only takes four or five students choosing poor behaviour to disrupt the class.

You may hear "countless stories" of disruption (from whom though?) but I promise you they are not the majority. It sounds to me as tho your DC is choosing to get involved with the poor choices of a few DC. Again, my first move would be to try to find out why and what she thinks she should do. Yes, if the only answer seems to be to move her from those students then a move may be the way. Tho from this post it doesn't sound as tho you have that many options? Again, what does school advise?

From what you’ve said, I’d move her. She’s unhappy there and getting into trouble and found a bad crowd. What has she got to lose? It sounds like she doesn’t like it anyway.

Is there another good local option?

If you feel that a move would be beneficial, I’d do some research on schools that she can reasonably and reliably get to, look at their websites and see if any have spaces in the correct year. If the school she’s at was not originally your first choice and you accepted what was offered, spaces elsewhere may not be available. If they are, you could ask if you can visit and see whether you feel a move would be a better fit.

You mention that she’s been there for two years, so she must be starting year 9. 8 and 9 can be tricky years too. I think I’d try to work with the school at the start of the new term and ensure that there’s consistency and clarity about behaviour and sanctions. Then, if there’s no change, consider the alternatives.

It really sounds as though the problem is the friendship group, rather than the school. That doesn’t mean that moving schools is necessarily the wrong thing to do, but it’s worth seeing if you can help your DD to move on from this group first.

When a friend’s DD went to secondary, she found herself in a group with popular, trendy girls that really weren’t her people, but she lacked the confidence to make new friends. She has struggled all the way through (she has just done her GCSEs), tagging along with this group. She didn’t have the confidence to move schools and break into established friendship groups, but they did consider her going to a ‘business’ school which starts in Y9 so she could have another go at making friends when everyone was new together. However, the GCSE options were limited, and she could have made the same mistake again. She is going to a 6th form college rather than a school 6th form, in the hope that once again everyone will be new and she can get lucky. The issue is really that she is so shy that making friends is very difficult for her.

When my DD started secondary, she made friends with a couple of other girls who were not troublemakers, but just not really her people. She struggled a bit during the first year and, knowing that the teaching groups would be mixed up again for Y8, towards the end of Y7 she asked not to be kept in the same group as these girls. This forced her to make new friends in Y8, and it was better, but it wasn’t until Y9 that she really found her tribe.

The difference with my DD is that she recognised that she wasn’t with the right friends, and she did something about it – twice. It did mean being a bit lonely for a couple of weeks (at one point she was actively hiding from her old friends to break the habit!) but it worked.

Luckily for DD, her old friends didn’t make life difficult for her – everyone simply moved on. If your DD’s current friends are a bit popular/dominant, it might be hard for her to move on from them, even if she wanted to.

Perhaps you could chat to your daughter about these friends and how she really feels when she is with them, and if she thinks they are her people. It sounds like the school would be supportive if she did want to separate from them.

My son went to 3 secondary schools and brought all his issues with him.
He was later diagnosed with ADHD, I would get an assessment asap
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All schools have a mix of children. There will be poor behaviour in all. However your dd has decided to be part of this issue. Most of these kids are very nice on their own. Many have nice families and did well in primary school. The issue is that the approval of her peer group will be more important to your daughter than your opinion or that of the teachers. I woukd move her and I would be thinking about how you might nip things in the bud shoukd she drift to the wrong peer group in tge next school. You are going to need to be very strong on consequences.

How do you follow up on the detentions etc? I worked with one child whose behaviour was very poor. The family made a real difference by getting them moved to a better form group and then following up every sanction by talking about what happened with them and giving a consequence at home every single time. It was always proportionate and done in a caring way but it was consistent and the child saw that the school abd parents were on the same page